


Life Can Do Terrible Things (archived for now. )

by SamanthaxSecret



Category: Supernatural, destiel - Fandom
Genre: Alcohol, Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Anger, Bar, Beauty - Freeform, Bottom Castiel, Bottom Dean Winchester, Broken, Cancer, Dean in Denial, Death, Despair, Destiel - Freeform, Doctor Sam Winchester, Drinking, Elvis - Freeform, F/F, F/M, Gay, Hate, Homosexual, Human Castiel, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt Sam Winchester, Jealousy, Loathing, Love, M/M, Mental Illness, My First Destiel Fanfic, Nightmares, Protective Castiel, Protective Dean Winchester, Protective Sam Winchester, Racial slurs, Rimming, Romance, Sick Castiel, Slow Build, Smut, Supernatural - Freeform, Top Castiel, Top Dean Winchester, Trigger Warnings, Vomit, club, dying, ptsd Dean winchester, reckless, saved - Freeform, self hate, sick, violance, weak
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-10
Updated: 2015-06-23
Packaged: 2018-02-04 03:19:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 19
Words: 45,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1763943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamanthaxSecret/pseuds/SamanthaxSecret
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean was laying on his bed, eyes closed with a large grin on his face shutting out the world while listening to Metallica, humming away to the music. Dean  was a twenty-four year old reckless punk, always getting himself into some sort of trouble, drag racing, public intoxication, vandalism but what he would get himself into trouble with more than anything else was his anger. The second he felt threatened or someone threatened the ones he loved he’d pounce on them. But that was the old Dean, the troubled Dean, before he had met ‘him’.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Death's knocking

**Author's Note:**

> I was asked why I have not updated, and I am sure others are wondering the same thing so I thought I would post it as a chapter so everyone will know. 
> 
> I haven't been feeling good mentally, depression and all and on top of that I have lost hope in this fanfic. I AM NOT GOING TO NOT FINISH THIS I PLAN ON FINISHING!!!!
> 
> But I need your help, if you have a tumblr account can you pls message me? anon or off anon at jagerjensen or comment below what you think I should do. (and maybe if you like this boost my confidence so where I want to finish this and write again??)) That would mean so much to me.  
> I was thinking either I just continue writing to make you all happy and finish it quicker, OR i could start from the beginning again, meaning I would save each chapter edit them, add scenes, fix errors ontop of finishing the fanfic all together. Making this fanfic something for me to be proud of. I won't delete this, what I would be doing is just updating them and adding more, ontop of adding new chapters, what do you think?

1980's

Today was no different from any other day, Dean got up, combed his hair into place and brushed his teeth. He ate his favorite breakfast, eggs and bacon, extra grease while flipping through the channels on his television set until he found something that sparked his interest. Dean sighed tapping his fingers on his kitchen table, he had the night off from work, which he hadn't had in a while now. He was in dire need of a night off, considering his anger had been getting the best of him in the last few days, due to his father breathing down his neck back at the shop.  He was trying to shake it off, focusing on the T.V, humming some of his favorite songs by Blue Oyster Cult.

That is until he heard his phone ringing.

 He sighed getting up, slowly making his way to the phone that hung on the wall, it was Sam. Sam was Dean’s brother,  he was four years younger than him.  Sam was a smart boy, he graduated high school at sixteen and became a doctor at twenty-two. Sam called to tell him about Dad getting upset with him again over going to collage, becoming a doctor instead of perusing the family business.

Dean sighed rubbing his temples with his forefingers while Sam yelled through the phone, "Dad is trying to get me to quit my damn job and join you and him down at the shop. I don’t want to be a goddamn mechanic Dean! I want to make something of myself, help people, find the cure for cancer, not greased up under some assholes dirty car!" he paced back and fourth in his kitchen, pushing his long brown hair from his face as he walked. 

Dean listened carefully as he pushed his last comment aside, he knew his brother didn't say it to offend him.

Sam is the only real piece of family he has.  The kid was bright, to bright, he knew he could solve his sticky situations with their dad on his own, but the fact that he always ran to Dean for help made him feel important, worth something. Ever since they were kids Sam ran to his older brother, prying at him for advise, even though the both of them knew he was smart enough to solve the problem on his own. Dean liked knowing Sam looked up to him, that he wasn't some high school drop out everyone made him out to be, Sam made him feel better about himself, he always had. 

"Sammy, listen." Dean finally said "You know this family business means a lot to dad." Dean sighed "It’s dad, dad is never going to change, he will always obsess over moms death, he will always push you, and I around. He will always  try to convince you to give up being a doctor, making it seem like he isn't proud of you. But listen Sam, he is proud of you . Do what you need to do Sammy, go to work, help people and start a life with a beautiful girl, do what will make you proud of yourself at the end of the day." Sam paused taking in everything his brother said before answering, he knew Dean was right, he told himself that everyday, he just needed the extra boost of reassurance from his older brother. 

"You’re right  Dean. Thanks. I got to go to work now. Are you still visiting me tomorrow?" Sam asked.  
"Of course." he managed to get out before Sam hung up the phone, "Oh, alright then." Dean grumbled to himself while he placed the phone back on the hook. 

Dean walked back over to his table and grabbed his plate, he washed it carefully, placing it on the rack to dry. He felt completely lost having no plans for the day, so he decided to go for a walk, something he hadn't done in a while. He didn't need his off-black leather jacket so he walked out only wearing his long sleeved olive henley.

A couple of girls outside of a supermarket recognized him on his walk, one decided to approached him, Lisa Summers. The beautiful and lovely, Lisa.

"Hi Dean." she smirked dragging out her words, scuffing her shoes on the pavement flirtatiously. "How have you been gorgeous?" she batted her long thick brown lashes at him, as a wide smirk stretched across her thin face. Lisa was Dean's first girlfriend, they dated for about two years until she broke it off with him, suspecting him to be anything but straight.

Dean looked down at her through his lashes, "I have been good Lis, how about yourself?" He asked crossing his arms across his stomach, firmly gripping his henley, anxiety suffocating his lungs.

"You look great baby." Lisa said swaying back and fourth like a small child in love. "I haven't seen you in ages Dean, what have you been up to?" he relaxed his arms by his side and she took one carefully examining his hand, "Still working at the garage with your daddy?" Dean looked down at her hand softly caressing his, "So soft." she breathed, "Just as I remember them to be." Dean felt warmth bite at his cheeks, she made him nervous, she always had, they way she talked, looked at him, even the way she touched him. It had been several years and yet she still made him feel as uncomfortable as he did when he met her. "I have a kid you know?" Dean looked down at her in shock "His name is Ben, you'd love him, he's just like you."

  
Dean smiled down at her, "You're married?" He said sounding more like a statement than a question. Lisa looked away from his hand and back up at him, looking deeply into his eyes, shaking her head. Dean furrowed his brow in confusion.

  
"I don't know Ben's father, back when I conceived I was pretty reckless," she confessed "I slept with a bunch of guys, it was after we broke up, that's why I switched schools, people kept asking if you were the daddy." She giggled at the memory, "I couldn't admit to us not having sex enough for me to conceive, you were already rumored to be, well, ya know," She let go of his hand and it dropped to his side. "gay."Dean gulped at the word and began to nervously playing with his fingers spinning the ring he always wore on his right ring finger. "Would you like to come over sometime and meet him? He just turned five years old." she paused, "wow." she began to giggle again, "Has it really been five year's since I have seen you Dean?"

  
"Yeah, I guess it has been." Dean said dragging his boots against the ground. "And yeah Lis, I would love to meet him." Lisa smiled and pulled out a marker from her purse, along with a pad and wrote her number and address down for him. She took his hand and placed it in his palm, "Call me, don't blow me off Dean." She smiled before walking back over to her friends outside of the small supermarket.

Dean turned around and decided to head back home, he was not expecting to see her, not now, hell not ever again. He never felt anything for her, but she was a good friend to him, always had been and he kind of missed having her around. He wasn't sure if he would ever call or visit her, that's not something he normally would do, but it's an option and maybe one day he will take her up on the offer.

                                                                                                                    ..... 

Waves crashed over him, he was drowning and there was nothing he could do to stop it, no matter how hard he tried to swim against the current, to break through to the surface but he couldn't. Waves piled over him like cinder blocks, pushing him further under the water. He gasped as water filled his lungs, aching with pressure. His vision started to blur and he heard a familiar sound, a woman's voice,  _**"Hush little baby don't say a word."**  _ Castiel woke up sweating and panting, he breathed slowly trying to slow his heart down. 

 _'Don't worry, you are fine. Nothing turned up.'_  

Castiel got up from his bed rubbing his eyes, squinting at the sunlight that peeked through the crack of his window’s shade. He got up slowly,  feeling weak and brittle. He looked fine on the outside, but inside there was a war going on between his cells. Castiel wrapped a blanket around himself as he walked to the kitchen to make a pot of green tea, as he put the water on the stove he slid one of his Elvis Presley cassette tapes into his radio, and switched it to one of his favorite songs.

Castiel walked into the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror for a while before he started to get ready for his doctors appointment, _" Love me tender, love me sweet, never let me go."_  he sang perfectly intone as he fixed his messy brown hair and placed his contact lenses into his blue eyes gently. He blinked a few times letting his eyes adjust to the foreign object.  Once they were settled in he made his way back into his bedroom, as fatigue began to creep down his neck. He  got dressed as quickly as he could, and  grabbed an apple on his way out and into the hallway. He grabbed his favorite sweater and walked out his front door. "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." he mocked while taking a bite from the forbidden fruit. "Yeah right." He said tossing the apple to the side. 

Castiel stood on his step, taking in the fresh scent of the air, he loved the spring, hearing the sound of birds chirping that had once been silenced from the winters harsh bitter wind, seeing the leaves and flowers bud on the trees and bushes. The sky was blue and the air was crisp, not to cold and not to warm, it was perfect. Castiel closed his eyes standing on his steps breathing in the air while he felt the warmth of the sun kiss his skin. He smiled to himself before opening his eyes. He carefully stepping down  and walked gingerly to his car.

                                                                                                                           .....

Upon entering the room he looked around, the floor was white, the walls were white even the ceiling. The brightness of that room always gave Castiel a head ache. He pinched the bridge of his nose while squeezing his eyes shut in attempt to lessen the dull ache forming in the back of his skull. He took a seat by a window, picking up a magazine from the table next to him. Thirty minutes passed and his doctor walked into the waiting room, "Castiel Novak?" 

Castiel looked up from the magazine, he was reading a great article some guy wrote about his beloved Elvis Presley, he had gotten so drawn into it he almost didn't hear his name being called. He placed the magazine back on the table and slowly got up. He straightened out his shirt and took a deep breath before walking forward. A  large lump of anxiety began forming in his throat as nervousness settled in, taking control of his body. He smiled at him and got up from his seat following him inside. “Dr. Winchester.” he smiled.

"So Castiel, " He started before entering the patients room after Castiel. "How has everything been?" His voice was low and kind, not like the other doctor's. Dr. Winchester was a kind man, he looked far too young to even be a doctor. Castiel felt as if he were with a friend when ever he had an appointment with him. The patience's loved him, maybe because he was kind and caring, or those puppy dog eyes, yeah, definitely the puppy dog eyes. 

  
He placed his finger's to his mouth, biting away at his nails nervously "Ugh, well, not so great." he admitted, although he wanted to lie and tell him he had been feeling better than he had in years.

  
"Any new symptoms, or increased in pain?"  he asked while shutting the door behind him and walking over to the counter. He squeezed a small drop of hand-soap into his palm, and turned the fosset, blaring hot water onto the skin of his hands. He washed them as Castiel spoke, listening carefully, he turned to Castiel drying his hands with a brown paper towel, eyes filled with concern. 

  
"I feel really weak and tired. No amount of sleep makes me feel rested." he took his hand away from his mouth, "But I guess that isn't anything new." he laughed out of fear. 

  
"Hmm." Sam sighed taking out his laptop looking through his patient's files; searching Castiel's name. "Your blood work came back, I am afraid I have some bad news." Sam said straightening up, hard look on his face. 

  
Castiel looked up at him trying to stay calm. “Lay it on me.” He sighed as pangs of anxiety shot through his chest, he leaned forward and began to play with the hem of his shirt.

  
"You blood shows that the cancer cells seem to be growing faster instead of slowing like we thought it would. You body rejected the treatment." 

  
Castiel could feel his heart slam against the inside of his chest.”How long?” His voice cracked, Sam looked up at Castiel from his screen.  "Goddammit Winchester, how long?" He practically shouted as his body began to convulse in shock.

"It is hard to tell, a year, maybe longer, with the right medication and treatments." Sam pushed aside his professional stare. "Castiel, man, don’t give up yet, there is much more we can do."  Castiel got up not wanting to hear any more. “Can I go now?” There was more that Sam had to tell him but he could tell Castiel was getting upset. “Yeah sure, set up another appointment with me next week, okay Castiel?” 

"Yeah sure" Castiel said opening the door and leaving the room.

He held everything in running down the hall way, through the waiting room and out the door towards his car. He didn't make it half way before he dropped to his knees, a loud whimper escaped his lips as he sobbed into the palms of his hands. He was scared, he did not want to die, he had so much more left to do in life. So many goals, so many dreams, like taking trip up to Disney World, even visiting Six Flags New Jersey to ride on the tallest roller-coaster built, he was only twenty-three, it isn't his time yet, it can't be.

\--  
Charlie had just gone shopping over at the local Walmart, humming away to some of her favorite songs on her new head set. She needed to pick up a few things before she started her day. On her way out she saw the young brunette running across the parking lot, suddenly collapsing to his knee's. She put her bags in her car and quickly ran over to see if he was okay, realizing it was Castiel made her more eager to help.  
\--

Castiel heard someone running towards him.  
"Cas? Castiel is that you?" The soft angelic voice called out to him.

  
He heard the foot steps stop behind him. He peeked through his fingers and saw that a shadow has formed in front of him. He didn't want to get up, he just wanted to stay there, hope for a car to show up and run him over, anything but this, anything but cancer. 

  
"Oh Cas, darling what are you doing in the middle of the parking lot.?" Castiel recognized the voice ‘Charlie?’ 

Charlie Bradbury had been Castiel's best friend since elementary school, she was always the one to stand up to the bullies that made Castiel's life a living hell. Charlie was a short quirky girl with the love for Marvel and DC comics, she would often show him her collection and he would pretend to be interested, despite the fact that he wasn't. They would spend their afternoons during high school studying at the towns library, gushing over the crushes they had, who they hooked up with and what they did over the weekend. Charlie was always the one stuck listening to his rants, but she enjoyed them, they way he got worked up for no reason, she found him amusing when he was angry. I mean who wouldn't, he was a frail boy, thick rimmed classes who wore sweater vests, he was absolutely adorable. They both enjoyed spending time together but ever since they graduated high school they had been seeing each other less, barely at all. Castiel got to his feet and turned to face the bubbly red head, he could barely look at her.

  
"Oh Dear." She sighed looking into Castiel's blue eyes, stained red with tears. 

  
"Come, come," She said pulling Castiel into her arms, squeezing him tight against her chest. "tell me, what is wrong darling." she said in a soothing tone.

  
"I’m dying." Cas sobbed, burring his face into her shoulder. "I have cancer, I have had it for a year now, the cancer cells are growing rapidly." He sobbed even harder, wrapping his arms around her resting in between her shoulder blades.

  
"Oh darling, my sweet sweet Castiel." Charlie said kissing the tears on the side of his right cheek. She tried to stay calm despite the fact that she was freaking out on the inside. She kept telling herself as she held him that she heard him wrong, that he wasn't sick, wasn't dying. 

  
Castiel pulled away and wiped away the tears that had dampened his red cheeks. “I am so sorry, I did not mean to tell you this way.” He looked down at his feet sniffling.

  
"Castiel I am happy you at least told me, I will be here by your side, the whole time." Charlie said pulling a weak smile across her face.

  
 Castiel nodded , "I want to forget about it, I want to get drunk and be reckless." Castiel sniffled

  
Charlie looked over him carefully, "Alright, I got just the place in mind, I'll see you at 10 pm." She said softly, not knowing what else to say to her broken friend. 

Charlie hugged Castiel tight and wiped away a few of her own tears with her thumb before she ran across the parking lot to her car that sat just outside of the new Walmart the town built last year. Castiel shrugged and walked to his car. When he got in he sat for a few moments taking in all the news. “I will make it.” he said with a smile before starting his car.


	2. Bittersweet Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning, mental illness, ptsd, Racial slurs, anxiety attack, vomit  
> Sorry this one is really short, =/ I can't think of anything else for it

Dean looked at the digital clock that sat on top of his T.V. “8 pm ” He groaned getting off of the couch. He slowly walked towards his bathroom scratching at the back of his head. He turned on the shower and let the steam fill the room before hopping in. He closed his eyes as the warm water fell onto his bare skin.

Shower's where always a place were Dean thought about his life, the past, future, just everything all at once.

This time the past crept up to him, Sam bringing up his dad brought memories flooding in. Sure he worked with him, almost every day but it didn't change the bitterness he felt towards him, always being gone at work or out at a bar drinking doing God know what. Leaving Dean home alone, taking care of Sammy as if it were his job, his responsibility and not his father's. Making sure Sam did his homework, preparing him dinner, bathing him, the whole shebang. Something father's were made for, not an older brother.  His memory darted back to the time he was eighteen and Sam just turned fifteen, his father getting home after a night out drinking.

                                                                                                       (memory)

"Dean!" John staggered into the house ready for a fight "Boy, get your ass down here!" He yelled. Dean didn’t hear his father call him, he was laying on his bed listening to Led Zeppelin, humming away, cassette player in hand. He jolted when he heard his bedroom door fly open, John standing in the doorway.  "You come when I call you!" He yelled walking in. Sam  had woken up when his father was yelling and tip toed out into the hallway to hear what was going on.

"I didn’t hear you, Sir." Dean said  quietly while sitting up, his heart nearly beating out of his chest.

John walked over to Dean grabbing him by his collar pulling him off the bed and onto his feet. “I know what ya are!” John slurred

"What do you mean?" Dean said in a whisper. His palms began to sweat, his dad still holding him by the collar of his henley t-shirt.

"A faggot." John hissed

Dean swallowed hard “Wha-what are you talking about?”  No this can't be happening, it can't, he had been so careful, dating girls instead of boys. How could he know, how? 

"I see the way ya look at boys." He said letting go of his son's  shirt. Dean backed away from his father.

"I-I’m no queer." Dean stuttered as waves of anxiety began to take full control of his body.

“Don-don’t you lie to me boy!” he slurred trying to gain his balance  Dean hung his head breaking the eye contact with his father. He was slammed up against the wall, hard, practically knocking the wind out of him, “I am not gon-gonna have a gay son!” his father hissed pinning Dean against the wall as he shook beneath his father's weight. He could of puked right then and there, panic bubbling up into his stomach as his fathers hot breath reeking of alcohol blew in his face. 

 "Dad let him go!" Sam said rushing on pulling at his fathers leather jacket. John turned around and pushed Sam to the ground before turning back to Dean, not to intentionally hurt him, but just to get him off. Without thinking Dean shoved his father off of him as hard as he could, adrenalin pumping through his veins, "Don’t you touch Sam like that!" He yelled.

John turned and shoved Dean back "What are ya going to do about it, faggot!" His words burned holes into Deans chest and without thinking he punched his father in the face knocking him out. John fell to the floor with a thud. Dean looked at his fists, shaking and trembling all over as tears fell from his eyes, rolling off of his cheeks and onto his t-shirt.

"Dean." Sam whimpered as he stood up, "Dean." he said again voice barely audible over the high -pitch ringing in his ears.

Dean was to far into his head to hear his brother,  "I'm not going to have a gay son." played on repeat in his head, he was slowly losing his mind.  He hunched over feeling sick to his stomach as bile began to rise from his stomach and up into his throat. "fuck." he cursed stumbling out of the room and into the bathroom, perched against the open toilet as he heaved and gagged into the porcelain bowl. He tasted salt and stomach acid on his tongue as sweat dripped down the sides of his face. His body shook and his stomach twisted in knots, shaking so much he could barely keep himself upright. He cried out in pain with every wave of nausea that hit him. His stomach muscles twitched beneath his skin, contracting and burning as he threw up into the toilet, water splashing up into his face as he heaved. Slowly his body began to come down from the panic attack, he leaned against the white tiled wall of his bathroom and pulled the lever flushing the bile down.  He wiped his face with pale shaking hands, to afraid to leave the small latrine. 

                                                                                          (Memory ended)

 

The image began to fade out of his head until he realized his body was beginning to relive the past. The sick nauseating feeling of disquiet began to creep up his back. Luckily he managed to choke down the feeling of anxiety by taking slow deep breaths in through his nose and out his mouth, which he had learned to control better over the years. He steadied his balance before he slowly made his way out of the shower,  wiping his face with a towel as the memory faded from his mind.

He grabbed the clothing he placed on the sink before he got in and began to dress himself at a leisurely pace. He put on old pair ripped jeans and a black T-shirt.  He wiped away the condensation that lingered on the mirror with a dry towel before he bent over and  opened his draw under the sink to get some cologne and hair gel. He took a bit of the gel on his finger tips and ran it through his dark blonde hair. After he combed the sides into place and messed up the top,  which was a hair style he had it for years. He put the cologne behind his ears, not to much, but enough.  Before he left the bathroom he looked into the mirror or a while, he knew walking into the night club would cause the small town to talk.

He wasn’t welcomed anywhere, he caused to much trouble, in and out of jail cells, he was well known for his anger.

People always seem to stiffen up at the sight of him. He did not mean to be this way, he was troubled, he grew up without a mother and an drunk ex marine of a father, yelling at him and Sam when ever he got the chance. "Family business this, family business that" Dean muttered as he splashed his face with cold water.

He took a deep breath before heading out of the bathroom. He grabbed his car keys and leather jacket, swinging it over his shoulder he walked out the door and locked it behind him. He stood on the porch putting on his jacket, facing his 67 Chevy Impala. He hopped down his front steps trying to get himself ready for the night that was ahead of him.  He blared his music as loud as he could while drove down to the small club just outside of Cambridge, Maryland. 


	3. Out With The Old

Castiel was patiently killing time by watching a movie that was playing on Syfy,  _Alien_ , He had been wanting to see the film for a while, considering he was a huge sci-fi junkie. He watched the film as he patiently waiting, tapping his fingers on the arm rest. He couldn't believe it was only 8 pm, he desperately wanted time to speed up and get out of this dumb apartment. 

  
Castiel had put on his favorite sweater vest and a pair of black khaki’s. His dark brown hair was combed into place and he was wearing his eye-contacts instead of his thick-black framed glasses. The loud noise of his doorbell echoed through out his home, causing him to jump in his seat., Castiel got up grumbling to himself 'Who the hell could that be?’ he thought as he made his way over to his door. He took a deep breath before opening the door, more out of frustration than nervousness. Castiel rolled his eyes when he saw it was Charlie, she was early, two hours early in fact, he was happy he had gotten ready earlier than he planned. “Hello Charlie, you are early.”

"Yeah, yeah I know." She said pushing him aside and walking in, " _Alien_? Really?" She turned around to face him, she was holding a Walmart shopping bag.

  
Castiel was taken back by how beautiful she looked. She was wearing a slim black v neck dress that ended just above her knee’s, topped with a studded waist belt and black stiletto’s. She was wearing her hair down in big curls and had a little eyeliner and mascara on.  "Just as I expected." She frowned displeased.

  
"Huh?" Castiel blinked rapidly trying to focus on what she was saying. She walked over to him and touched the collar of his shirt, frowning at it. "You’re dressed like an old man Castiel, I can’t take you there looking like a 50 year old." She teased. "Luckily I had picked up some clothes from Walmart for you to wear. I headed back over to it after I saw you earlier." she smiled

  
"Ugh, Walmart, really Charlie? Walmart?" he said unimpressed, "There is nothing wrong with how I look Charlie." he said crossing his arms across his chest. She walked over to him and pushed the bag against his chest, he had no choice but to tale it from her. "They look good Cas, trust me, now go put it on!" 

Castiel sulked into his bathroom. He took the clothes out of the bag, there was a white v neck T-shirt, a pair of black jeans and a black buttoned down dress shirt. He put the clothes on and walked out. Charlie looked at him and sighed, Castiel had buttoned the black shirt all the way to the top and tucked both shirts in his jeans. “No, no, no.” She sighed, she unbuttoned the shirt all the way and un-tucked both shirts, “That’s it!” She smiled “You look like a stud.” Charlie grinned at him “The boys will be all over you tonight.” she winked. She glanced at his hair and sighed again, she ruffled it up and fixed it, "Cas, quit looking like such a damn nerd." she joked smiling at him proudly as if he were some kind of masterpiece she just finished creating. Castiel sighed and looked into his full body mirror. ‘I actually do look good.’ he thought as a smile formed across his face.

"We better head out now before the crowd forms." She smiled 

  
"Where exactly are we going?" Castiel asked turning away from the mirror to look at her.

  
Charlie was smirking at him “Now dear, if I told you, It would no longer be a surprise, now let’s go” she said smacking his butt and walking out of his house with a bounce to her step. Castiel sighed and followed her out the door, locking it before getting into her car.

Castiel sat int he passenger seat, resting his head against the glass window, his body ached and his head was still pounding from the pressure he put on it earlier that day. Crying always gave him such a head ache. He watched the street lights zoom by, as he payed close attention to the homes they passed. He loved architecture, if he could have any job in the world he would love to design houses. He would often play a game in the car where he would try and figure out how parts of them were built. He promised himself if he ever beat cancer he would go back to school and take up that trade.  He dreamed about building large beautiful Victorian homes, he would absolutely kill to live on one some day.  Castiel was so deep in his thoughts he hadn't noticed that Charlie had parked the car.  “Here we are Cas!” Charlie beamed. 

He shook his head taking himself out of his trance, he looked over at the large brick building with blacked out windows, his eyes widened “No, no way Charlie!” 

  
"Why not? It’ll be fun!" She said nudging him with her elbow softly

"It’s a gay club." Castiel said rolling his eyes. He had never been to a club before, never mind a goddamn gay club. Out of all the places in the world, why a gay club. He knew if either of them were caught leaving the place they were at risk of being killed.

  
"And we’re both gay, so what’s the issue?" She asked frowning at him.

  
"That is the issue Charlie, we could be killed." Castiel said biting at his nails anxiously.  Charlie rolled her eyes at him, "My God, you are paranoid." 

Charlie got out of the car and walked over to Castiel's side, she opened the door and dragged him out “C’mon Cas!” Castiel got out and walked with her towards the entrance, he could hear the music flowing through the cracks in the walls. “I can’t believe I am doing this.” 

 

The music in the club was loud, almost deafening, there were girls on girls and boys on boys grinding on each other in a large crowd in the middle while others stood by the walls. It kind of looked like a high school dance, drunk obnoxious people grinding on each other while the more shy and reserved stood by the walls waiting for someone to ask them to dance.

Even the music was cheesy, playing the best hits of their decade, (1980's) which weren't even that great.

There were white, blue, pink and purple lights up ahead flashing, and dancing around the room. While a music booth sat up on a stage, a DJ inside dancing along to his remix's. This wasn't a place Castiel would have chose to go to, he liked music that was more calming, about love and romance. Growing old together, sitting in rocking chairs on the front porch all day until night falls where you cuddle up together in a warm bed, singing songs by Elvis and the Beatles. 

Charlie grabbed Castiel's hand and pulled him into the crowed and started dancing with him, The two danced for what seemed like hours, slamming their hips together doing 'the bump' like a couple of giggling idiots. He was having a lot of fun, he didn't even care that he was becoming excruciatingly sore.  He never wanted to stop dancing, he loved swirling his friend around and watching her smile, cheekbones high and prominent because of her wide grin. She would even spin Castiel around, which never really ended well. He would have to stop briefly to keep his food from coming back up. In the middle of a rather catchy song, _'Girls Just Want To Have Fun'_  Charlie suddenly stopped dancing as her eyes bugged out of her skull as her mouth dropped open “Oh my God”  she said cupping her hand over her mouth. 

  
"What?" Castiel asked as he attempted to turn around to see what she was looking at but she quickly spun him back around to face her, shaking her head.

"Oh. My. God." she repeated, jumping up and down with excitement, partially because her favorite song started to play, ( _Toni Basil, Mickey)_ and because she had just witness her best friend's high school crush enter the room.

She watched him walk across the floor to lean up against the brick wall. He bobbed his head to the music as he pulled out a small silver flask; drinking from it. He looked over at her and gave her a small nod before he looked forward again, squinting his eyes at a blonde male that was rushing over to him.  _  
_

  
Charlie grabbed Castiels arm and began to back the both of them up against a wall,  "Charlie, talk to me! What is it? What's wrong?" Castiel asked attempting to look again; only to be twisted back around.

"Dean Winchester." she said scanning Castiels face for a reaction.

_Oh, Mickey, what a pity You don't understand You take me by the heart When you take me by the hand Oh, Mickey, you're so pretty Can't you understand It's guys like you, Mickey Oh, what you do, Mickey, do, Mickey Don't break my heart, Mickey_

  
"Who?" Castiel asked acting like he had never heard the name before. Even though everyone knew who Dean was, especially Castiel. He had the biggest damn crush on him in high school. Castiel would often talk about Dean Winchester, the stocky blonde, green eye'd beauty, sadly Castiel had no chance with him, Dean was straight, so he appeared to be. Although, he wasn't as stupid ad the rest of the school was, he could see right through the Winchester, he had more curves in his sexuality than a circle. Which is what he would always tell Charlie. She never believed him back then. But she certainly does now. 

  
"You know, Dean Winchester, we went to high school with him." She shook her head in surprise before taking his hands in hers.

"That punk that dropped out and we never heard or seen from again?" he asked looking into her eyes, scanning her face for any odd expressions. Charlie elbowed him in the ribs as she danced. “Castiel!”

"What?" He said rubbing his side to lessen the dull ache of the blow.

"You had the biggest crush on him."  she said bouncing up so that she could see over his shoulder. "Looks like some guy is trying to fight him, he really shouldn't tempt him. When has Dean ever lost a fight?"  Castiel looked over his shoulder slowly just as Dean looked his way. Castiel turned his head quickly looking away from him; heart slamming against his chest. _'Holy shit he saw me.'_  Castiel began to blush “Yeah well he must not of been that attractive if I could not remember his name!” he lied.

Charlie glared at him, "Cas he was all you talked about." she said sighing “I would of never thought I would see him here, he was always picking up the girls at school, I guess you were right about him Cassy.” Charlie sighed "if only we knew, maybe then you two could of hooked up. Since you had a huge crush on him." Charlie smirked

  
"Did I really talk about him _that_  much? " Castiel sighed as a smiled curled across his lips.

  
"Um, yeah. The whole school knew, including him." Charlie smirked, "He use to ask who you where, because you'd always be starring at him." she giggled. ' _Oh well that's great, first time i see him since he dropped out he catches me starring at him again.'_

  
"Hey who is that other guy? The short one harassing Dean." she asked Castiel moving him around so that he was now against the wall peering out into the crowd, "I don't know, but he looks familiar. "


	4. Drink Up Buttercup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning, violence, sexual assault, alcohol,Racial slurs

"What the hell are you doing here Winchester?" Balthazar said shoving Dean back against the wall. Balthazar and Dean had been getting into fights since school. Balthazar hated him, and Dean never understood why, it's not like he ever told him his reasoning's for picking fights with him all the time. Every time he saw Dean he never held back from speaking his mind and going after him. It all started after he found out Castiel had been crushing on the older Winchester. It infuriated him.

  
"I’m here to have a little fun. Does that bother you princess?" Dean said raising an eyebrow at him, folding his arms across his chest.

  
Balthazar raised his finger and poked Dean's chest "Who would have known that you’re one of us, a queer"  he hissed

  
"Back the hell away from me before I knock your ass out!" Dean shouted pushing him to the side, but Balthazar grabbed his arm pulling him back.

  
"Listen Winchester, you're not welcome here so why don't you beat it." He hissed venom hanging onto each word.

  
"Why don't you make me." he said challenging him as he walked back into the crowd. He needed to get away from him, Balthazar was testing his luck, poking and prodding ever inch of Dean's buttons.

  
Castiel kept his eyes on him, that is until he disappeared into the sea of people, the short blonde male heading after him. Castiel watched as the crowd separated followed by a few screams. Two body guards went running to the crowd, only to walk out carrying a bloodied  male out , kicking him out onto the curb.

Castiel squinted his eyes at the small blonde male that picked a fight with the older Winchester, he recognized the face he just couldn't put a name to it. Castiel sighed letting out a deep breath. Charlie turned her head and watched. "Did Dean just...?" she asked not finishing her sentence, Castiel nodded, "He went after Dean." He sighed "Where is the bar anyways, I need a drink." Castiel shouted over the music, feeling rather uneasy. 

  
"Castiel, in your twenty-three years of existence have you even had one drink?" Charlie said raising her eyebrow at him "Do you even know what to get?" Castiel looked down at his hands, "Ugh, um…"

  
"That’s what I thought." she patted him on the shoulder causing him to look back up at her. "Get a strawberry daiquiri." 

  
"Is that one of those girly drinks?" He asked suspiciously, "I was just planning on getting a beer or two....or three." 

  
"Oh no, its hard liquor, you’ll love it." Charlie winked "The bar is that way!" She pointed forward. "But are you sure you should be drinking, in your," She took a deep breath "situation?" she hushed

"I'll be fine." He said before he turned away, moving into the crowd.

 The young man standing behind the counter was gorgeous, he had deep hazel eyes and reddish brown hair. “One strawberry daiquiri!” He shouted, the man winked at him and nodded. Castiel sat there tapping his fingers patiently waiting, his eyes widened when he noticed Charlie had tricked him into getting a  _‘girly drink’_  . When he handed him his drink the young man winked causing him to blush. The young bartender leaned over the counter and began to flirt with Castiel, he was obviously straight, his good looks must have gotten him a lot of tips here, although his charm wasn't working on Castiel. The young man was interrupted by a deep charming voice that boom from behind the frail Novak. ”Really, a strawberry daiquiri? Could you be any more gay?”

Castiel spun around slowly sipping on his drink through a straw. He became irritated when realized that the man behind him was Dean Winchester. His bright green eyes peering down at him, grazing over his face and stopping at Castiel's lips. “Well, this is a club full of gays.” Castiel snorted spinning back around.

"Hm, I guess ." Dean smirked "But seriously, why are you drinking that?" Dean asked taking a seat next to him" I am going to get you a real drink" Dean winked.

  
Castiel snorted at Dean's remark "A real drink? Psh." He mumbled to himself.

  
"Two shots of vodka, one for me and this handsome man next to me." Dean shouted slamming his hand on the counter before  turning back to face Castiel. Dean watched Castiel carefully before he put his hand out to him,  "Dean Winchester." 

  
"Oh, ugh." He stammered putting his drink down on the counter." Castiel Novak." he said wiping the condensation off of his hands onto his jeans before he gripped the other's,  he had soft warm hands, nothing like Castiel imagined them to be. Everyone knew Dean's reputation, fighting, a mechanic working at his dad's shop, he would of thought his hands would be  rough to the touch. Dean smirked and winked at him before letting go of Castiel's hand,  causing the brunette to burn up inside.  

  
"Name sounds familiar." he said letting go of the brunettes hand.

Castiel snorted, It wasn't a surprise that he had no idea who he was, why in the world would Dean remember me? He thought. In high school he was just some nerdy kid with glasses. Besides Dean Winchester never showed up to school, and if he did he was to busy hitting on every girl who walked by. It didn't surprise him that he didn't have any recollection as to who he was, but why was he here? Why was he talking to him? 

Dean took his shot, throwing it back. "Where are you from?" He asked scooting his stool closer to Castiel.   
  
"Cambridge." Dean's brows shot up with excitement as he bit his lower lip. "Really?" He asked  
  
"Yeah, don't remember me?" Castiel asked feeling rather stupid, he should of lied and said he was from California or something. 

"I guess not." Dean shrugged, "I'm sorry." He smiled apologetically while placing his hand on the top of Castiels thigh, just as he threw the shot back. Castiel almost choked on his drink when he touched him. "Whoa, buddy, you alright?" Dean laughed

"Yeah, fine." Castiel said between coughs. "Strong, very strong." he laughed nervously. 

"Dean was rather close to him; their shoulders brushing together as they moved, Dean's hand still on Castiel's thigh, caressing it lightly with the tip of his thumb. He could feel waves of heat moving downward, still in disbelief at the fact that Dean Winchester was touching him while his green eyes looked into his the entire time he talked. It was almost like he had him in some form of a trance. Everything else was muffled and blurred around them except for Dean; he could hear and see him so clearly. Noticing that every time he said something seemingly funny, Dean would chuckle, lips curling into a smile, small wrinkles darting next to the corners of his eyes.

 “See you around.” Dean smiled as he  got up from his seat, he squeezed Castiel's shoulders before he disappeared into the crowd.

After Dean left he ordered a few more vodkas, he enjoyed the taste; which he was surprised by. He was feeling a bit confident so he left the bar to go dance. Moments later he found himself in the arms of a young man, grinding into each other drunkenly . The boy  had round dark brown eyes and his skin was a light caramel color, while dancing Castiel discovered his name was Andrés, and was an iron-worker. . Every so often he would lean in and try to kiss Castiel but Castiel would always push him away. Andrés was becoming aggressive towards Castiel, grabbing his ass as they danced, trying to grind up into him. Castiel kept telling him to stop and get off him but he wouldn't listen. He finally had to much and dragged Castiel from the crowd and pinned him hard against the brick wall, holding Castiel’s hands down by his side. 

Andrés was kissing and biting at Castiel's neck and grinding into him hard. “Stop, please, stop.” Castiel begged trying to push him away.

  
"No" Andrés hissed "You know you want it." Castiel was frozen in fear when he felt him start to undo his pants, his lips were shaking, "P-please stop. Get off of me."

  
"Ahem."  A deep voice coughed behind Andrés pulling him away from Castiel "What the hell do you think you're  fucking doing?" Dean yelled "He doesn’t want it, he asked you to fucking stop! Do you have ears?"

  
Andrés puffed his chest up at Dean “I am pretty sure this is non of your business, white boy.”

  
"I believe this is my business!" Dean shoved Andrés

Andrés swung his hand at Deans face, but Dean dodged it only to swing and right hook Andrés square in the jaw. Andrés backed up and gripped his jaw. He shook it off and retaliated by slamming his body into Dean knocking them both onto the floor. Dean rolled so that he was now on top of him as he began punching Andrés in the face repetitively until the club’s bouncers pulled Dean off of him. “That’s it Winchester, this is the second time tonight, get out!” Dean looked at Andres lying on the floor with a bloody nose. Dean smirked at him, face free of any marks and spat on him.  The bouncer's started pulling Dean by his leather jacket dragging him out of the small night club "Yeah, yeah, I'm out." he said as he  walked through the crowd and out the door cursing under his breath.  

Castiel was in shock but quickly hurried through the club trying to catch up with Dean. Charlie noticed Castiel and grabbed his arm, "Hey, wait what's going on?" Charlie asked "Not now, later." Castiel said pulling away from Charlie and running out the door. "Dean!" he called

Dean was walking to his car, hands still balled in fists. He didn't stop when Castiel called after him so he ran to catch up with him. “Dean?” He said putting his hand on Dean's shoulder, Dean spun around quick to face Castiel. “What?” Dean shouted.

"I-I just wanted to thank you." he shuddered 

"Yeah well you’re welcome!" Dean turned and started to walk again, boots scuffing against the pavement. Castiel hurried up so that he was walking besides the dark blonde male. "Are you okay?" Dean asked voice softer than it had been before.

"Yeah, I am fine." Castiel answered shyly, "Are you okay?" He asked, Dean looked at him, brows knit together in confusion, "Don't worry about me" he snapped

He took a deep breath pulling out a pack of cigarettes, "I don’t know what it is about you but seeing that asshole pin you against that goddamn wall…..I could of killed him." Castiel paused for a moment taking in what Dean said eyeing the pack in his hands, _"Kill him?"_ he repeated in his head

 "I’m lucky they didn't call the cops on me!" Dean shouted when he reached his car, he leaned up against the side pulling out a cigarette from the pack, he placed it in his mouth; dangling between his full lips.  "Can I … Never mind." he said still holding the butt in his mouth.

"Can you what?" Castiel asked eyeing the cigarette. He tried to ignore the urge to rip it out of his mouth right then and there. _Fuck, a cigarette, really? Oh so now he is a smoker?_ He asked himself. 

"Nothing, I said never mind. " Dean responded bitterly lighting the cigarette, taking a long drag before he blew it out to the side making sure it didn't waft around Castiel's face. "You know, you can get cancer smoking those." Castiel said crossing his arms bitterly.

"So?" 

 _So? Really? Did he really just say that?_ Castiel imagined ripping it from his mouth and throw it to the ground., taking him by the sides of his jacket throwing him against the side of his car, "I _have fucking cancer you asshole!"_ he shouted, _"Lung cancer, from smoking all through-out high school! Don't throw your goddamn life away like I did! Give me the pack!"_  

Castiel blinked a few times, coming back into reality, "You don't care if you die?" he asked.

Dean took another drag, before he flicked it to the ground, hot ash bounced off the pavement before he pressed the heel of his boot on it. "I don't have much to live for." Dean turned and looked down at Castiel. “Anyways, I got to go, be careful man, there are a lot of disgusting men around here. And with a face like that, you ought to be careful, okay?”  

Castiel scrunched his brow together “A face like mine?” he asked trying to forget everything he had just seen as temptation to ask for a cigarette fogged his mind, body shaking from the urge. 

"Yeah, well ya know, you’re attractive, just be careful, okay?"  Castiel stared at Dean blinking, did he just hear what he thought he heard? Dean, finding him attractive?

 “I’ll be careful next time.”  he said still shaking.

"Hey, are you alright?" Dean asked knitting his brow together.

"Yeah, I am fine." Castiel smiled weakly

"You're drunk." Dean laughed, "Let me take you home, where do you live?" He said placing his hands on his shoulder's steadying him.

"No it's fine." Castiel smiled, "I want to walk."

"Not a chance, get in." Dean insisted.

"Hold on." Castiel sighed A burning sensation started on Castiel's face traveled down his throat and into his stomach. He swallowed hard as he fumbled in his pockets trying to retrieve his phone. 

Castiel dialed Charlies number, being careful not to call the wrong person considering his vision was starting to blur. "Hey, I am going to go home." Castiel spoke as soon as she answered 

"What? Cas? I can’t hear you over this music."

"I am going home!" He shouted

"Why?"

"I am tired, and I need to take my medication."

"Okay I’ll be right out."

"No, no, I got a cab."

"Oh, hm, what's going on, you sound ill." Charlie asked

"I will tell you tomorrow, goodnight."

"Wait Cas, are you,.....  drunk?"

"Yeah, I think." Castiel giggled before hanging up the phone.

He got into Deans car and rolled down the window, the last bit of alcohol started to take effect rather quickly, he must of blacked out soon after, seeing bits and pieces of the road,  and flashing lights. He dreamed about taking a walk,  cool wind blowing through his almond brown hair, chills run down his spine as he breathed it in. He wasn't sure how much longer he could do something like this. He knew he would only get worse from here on out, having cancer and all. Most patients with lung cancer end up on breathing machines, unable to breath on their own anymore.

Castiel woke up to the sound of Dean's voice and his arms wrapped around him pulling him from the car, "Hey, we're here." he hushed helping Castiel into his house, he wasn't sure if it was the illness making him tired or the actual alcohol.

Dean helped Castiel get dressed into his pajamas, slowly helping him into bed, tucking him in. His sheets were cold when he crawled in causing him to get goosebumps. It didn't take long for him to fall asleep. Dean chuckled and flipped the lock on Castiel's door before he left.  He fell back into a deep slumber dreaming about Dean, his gorgeous green eyes, the freckles that littered his face, the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled and winked. The smoke that blew from his full parted lips. But that soon switched to the angry, dark presence, his eyes went from forest green to black, his  veins popping out from under his skin hitting Andrés over and over and over until he was a bloodied mess. Castiel woke up sweating profoundly,, he tried to fall back asleep but he couldn't, still craving the familiar taste of nicotine along with a pounding head ache. He got up wrapping himself in a blanket and wattled into the kitchen to make some green tea, he took one of his morphine pills for the pain and he sat down on his couch and took out his laptop, and searched their graduating class' website while he sipped on his tea happily. He  searched Dean's name, what had popped up didn't surprise him, I mean he never put two and two together but he should of known, he was the older brother of Sam Winchester, his doctor.

                                                                 ..........................................

Dean took the long route back to his home. He was still full of rage and anger, but it quickly faded into a fuzzy warm feeling when Castiel came to mind. “Castiel” he murmured _“What is it about that guy? I could get lost in those sea blue eyes if I looked at them long enough. I have to see him again. But when, and how?”_ he thought.


	5. Truth Be Told

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger, hate crime, racial slurs, coming out

Dean was standing on Sam’s front porch patiently waiting for Sam to open the door, his house was a bright shade of yellow. He tapped his boots on the wood planks, for some reason he was nervous seeing his little brother; considering he hadn't seen him and quite a long time. Sam opened the door with a large smile on his face; dimples sinking deep into his slim cheeks.  “Dean!” Sam yelled pulling Dean into a tight hug.

Dean swung his arms around him and squeezed him tight. “Hey Sammy!”  

Sam pulled back from Dean; looking him in his eyes, “You came!” he said looking rather surprised. 

"I said I would."  Dean smiled letting go of his brother, hands drooping by his sides, "Look at you; all grown up." 

Sam smiled and looked towards the ground chuckling to himself. "Come in!" he said as he looked back up at him.

Dean nodded and walked into his house, Sam had finally saved up enough money to move out of dad’s and buy a little house. It was a large house; cherry-red hardwood flooring and the walls were covered with large wooden logs, it looked like the inside of a log cabin. “It looks great Sammy.” Dean smiled up at him before he walked over to go sit on a leather couch that was placed in the center of the living room; it squeaked when he sat which caused him to laugh. “Leather? Really Sam?” he chuckled. Sam sat down next too him, “Dad’s idea.” he groaned as it squeaked underneath him louder than it did when Dean sat,  causing them both to laugh so hard tears started streaming down their cheeks. "So Dean, I have to ask, anything new going on with your life?"  Sam asked still laughing to himself.

Dean pressed his lips together in thought. “Got kicked out of a club last night.” he said; lips forming into a cheeky smile.

Sam rolled his eyes “What did you do?”  he asked with the bitchiest look on his face. 

"A guy was sexually assaulting someone, so I stopped him.  I had to Sam." He looked down at his knuckles they had a few cuts and were bruised.

"As long as you weren't doing it just to be a dick Dean." Sam followed Deans gaze to his knuckles, "You got him good didn't you?"

"I don’t like that shit Sam, it’s happening more and more, I am seeing these young guys being…..being forced into sex, usually I report it and the bouncers take care of it but, this guy, he was scared out of his mind. I couldn't wait." 

Sam put his hand on his shoulder, “I understand Dean. I just wish you wouldn't use violence to solve your and everyone else’s problems.”

"Remember that time; me and dad?" Dean said abruptly.

 ”Dean, don’t” Sam said taking his hand off of his brothers shoulder and stared to rub his forehead. 

"No Sam, I want to talk to you about this." Dean said turning to face him, and Sam nodded. "Do you know why dad was so angry with me that night?"

John never brought up Dean being gay ever again, at least not in front of Sam. Dean got one hell of a punishment after John woke up. Sam remembered hearing Dean's screams, as he begged his dad to stop after every crack and whip that could be heard from his room. After that Dean never talked to him about it, he knew exactly what started the argument but he never brought it up in fear of triggering another anxiety attack. Dean just assumed Sam was to afraid to ask because he had seen how he reacted to the confrontation; knocking his dad out and all.

Sam shrugged “I don’t remember much, I blocked it out.” he lied.

"Dad was angry with me, because" Dean was fighting to finish his sentence the words were struggling to escape his mouth, he swallowed and looked down at his hands " I am gay." Dean shook his head at the word gay. "I tried to change Sammy. I did, but I couldn't. I dated so many girls, and I never felt anything. Even when  I dated Lisa, I felt nothing for her.  Which is why we broke up, and why I moved from girl to girl after that. They always ended up  wanting me to touch them and I couldn't. I wasn't attracted to them.I can't keep lying to myself and everyone else about it. I don't want to keep pretending to be something I am not, it hurts Sammy; to pretend all the time" Dean could feel tears start forming at the edges of his eyes, he blinked and they rolled down his cheeks. "I just don't want you to hate me, I don't want to lose you Sammy, you're all I got."

"Dean, I don’t care what you are, straight or gay, you’re my brother! I will accept you either way! I don’t want you to think I am an asshole like dad. Please don't think I would hate you for this" Sam pulled Dean into a hug. A ripple of waves flooded over Deans body and he started to cry harder into Sam's shoulder. "Thank you." he choked out between sobs.

"It’s okay Dean. Let it out, no more fighting it okay?" Sam said rubbing his brother's back.

Dean nodded and pulled away wiping his eyes. Trying to change the subject he decided to bring up the guy he met, Castiel  "I met a guy. Well, the guy I helped last night."

Sam’s eyebrows raised, sparked with interest “So, tell me about this boy?”  he smirked

Dean shook his head and bit his lip before speaking, “He had, the bluest eyes I have ever seen. I felt like I was lost at sea looking into them. ” Dean began to laugh “He was drinking the girliest drink, a Strawberry Daiquiri.” Sam chuckled at the thought. “Hell he’s even better looking than I am.” He paused, "And I am freaking adorable, everybody knows that." he winked.  Dean went on and on about the boy he met, and Sam sat listening to him, smiling and laughing, he loved seeing his big brother happy

                                                                                                      --

Dean shook Sam's hair “Look at you Mr. twenty-two year old doctor and here I am working my ass off with dad up at the shop. "

"It’s not that rewarding of a job, it’s quite depressing." Sam shrugged

Deans smile turned into a frown “Why do you say that?”

"I have this patient, sweet guy Dean, he’s only a year older than I am and well,  he’s dying of cancer, I just had to tell him yesterday all of the treatments we gave him didn’t work. I know you’re not suppose to get attached to your patients but, hell, I wish I could do something more for him than to prescribe pain medication to lessen the pain as I watch him die. I became a doctor to help people, not watch them wither away." 

Dean squeezed Sam's shoulder “Hey, hey, you can’t do this to yourself man, people die, every day, cancer is a shitty thing, it always takes the best people. Don’t work yourself up over this, you’re not a miracle worker.” Dean said softy, not knowing the boy he is talking about is his new sudden interest.

Sam nodded, “Do you want to do anything? We could go to the park we use to go too as kids?” 

Dean’s face lit up “Yeah sure.” He got up and headed for Sam’s front door. “My car, or yours?” 

"Yours, I miss driving around in it with you. All those road trips." He smiled at the memory

Dean nodded and headed out the door, he waited in his car for Sam; reeving his engine. Sam opened the car door and got in. Dean turned on his radio and _Metallica_ was playing so he turned up and started singing along as they drove to the park. Poking Sam to join in like they did when dad first gave him the car.

“ _Life,it seems will fade away, drifting further every day, getting lost within myself, nothing matters, no one else!_ ” 

They stopped at a red light and he turned to Sam pretending he had a microphone in his hand , “ _I have lost the will to live,simply nothing more to give, there is nothing more for me, need the end to set me free!_ ”

He heard angry drivers honking there horns behind him when the light turned green, he began to laugh hysterically.  "Sammy you got the next verse!" He bobbed his head to the music tapping on the steering wheel slowly to the beat.

“ _Things not what they used to be, missing one inside of me, deathly lost, this can’t be real, cannot stand this hell I feel_.” Sam sang out of tune. 

"Jeez Sammy, you suck!" he teased. Sam sang along with Dean, he was bobbing his head pretending to play guitar while Dean attempted to ‘play’ the drums.

 _“Emptiness is filling me, to the point of agony,growing darkness taking dawn, I was me, but now he’s gone!_ ” They sang.

Dean bobbed his head, “This is my favorite part.” he yelled over the music as he turned it up and screamed the words

_"No one but me can save myself, but it’s too late, now I can’t think, think why I should even try, yesterday seems as though it never existed, death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye!"_

Sam looked at Dean, “Pretty depressing song, huh?” he yelled over the music, Dean leaned over and turned the radio down.

  
"Yeah, I relate to it though." Dean shrugged

  
"What do you mean?" He asked "Are you depressed or something?"

  
"Well yeah Sam,  Dad hates me for being gay,  I barely see you, I am a high school drop out, on top of that I’m always causing trouble . What is there to love about my life Sam? Do you know how many times I have gotten my ass beat because people knew I was gay? " Dean sighed, "It's not a very rewarding life to live." Sam shook his head, disagreeing with his brother. "That’s why I dropped out, I didn’t need any one else spreading it around so I figured, if I leave there won’t be any room to talk. Plus school isn’t my thing, never was."

  
"Dean, look there’s nothing wrong with being gay, what ever people say to you, or about you is wrong, being gay hasn’t changed who you are. You’re still the same Dean you were back when everyone believed you were straight. I wish people including dad would see that."

  
Dean nodded “I know Sammy." he squinted his eyes looking at the road " where is the park again?”

  
"Just around the corner." Sam pointed

  
"Yeah, right." Dean turned into the parking lot and sat for a bit before shutting his car off. He got out of the car and Sam was soon to follow.

  
"Weird huh, looks so different, smaller than when we were kids." Sam laughed

  
"Yeah, crazy huh?" He patted Sam on the back before he entered the park, some locals turned and looked at him, while others whispered in each others ears. Although Dean noticed, he ignored it until an elderly man approached him and Sam. 

  
"Dean Winchester, right?"  The man asked placing his hand on his hip. He was wearing  tan slacks; a white t-shirt and a baseball cap.

  
"Yeah, what’s it to you?" He asked 

  
"We don’t allow faggots in our park." The man shouted, "So get out!"

  
"Your park, hah, that’s funny." Dean smirked, hands forming into fists by his side.

  
"Yeah our park." He put a finger up to Dean, "Get out."

  
Sam stepped in front of Dean, “Hey, Sir, there’s no need for that, we’re not bothering anyone.”

  
"Yeah well just looking at him is bothering everyone, he could have that gay disease. Bleh." He spit on the ground. "What are ya, his gay lover?" 

  
Dean stepped next to Sam. “I don’t have any diseases.” he shouted  Sam grabbed his arm and started heading down the dirt path where runners would take there daily jogs. “See what I mean Sam?” Dean said sadly

  
"They're  assholes." Sam yelled making sure they heard.


	6. Call Him, Dumbass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning, hate crime.

Charlie was taking a stroll though the park; after she visited Castiel back at his apartment. She overheard the conversation between Dean and the elderly man. She walked over to him angrily once Dean and Sam were out of sight. "Excuse me, sir." She said softly

The man turned around and looked at her "The hell do you want? " He said grumpily.  
  
"What do you think I am, straight or gay?" She asked

"Ugh, I dunno." He frowned, "Leave me the hell alone."  Charlie looked at him carefully, slightly amused with the old bat.   
  
"Oh, but I was under the impression you knew what sexuality people were just by looking at them,"  She looked around acting as if she were confused, she placed her hand on her chest sincerely, "considering you just chewed that poor boys ass out."  

The old man scowled at her, "Every body knows that boy is a queer!" He hissed, "Look at em'."

"But sir,  how do you know that for sure?" she asked hands folded; resting her chin on them. The man went to talk but he quickly shut his mouth, "I know Dean Winchester, personally, he's a great guy. Even if he were gay, you'd never be able to tell, nor does it matter." She said bitterly, "He is a great guy, he's a great mechanic, so what, he gets into fights and is supposedly gay, does that make him any less human than you are? No, it doesn't, he has every right to love whom ever he very well pleases." She pointed her finger at him. The park turned to watch the two, all eyes on them. The man started to become red with embarrassment,  "And you have no goddamn right to say anything about it." Charlie turned around and stormed off into the opposite direction smiling at herself, "Peace bitches." She said throwing up the famous star-strek sign.  

                                                                                    --

 

"Hey, you two!" A small voice said running up behind them.

  
"Great here we go again." Dean rolled his eyes, "Keep walking." He began to speed up his pace. His heart started doing back-flips, stomach turning; palms sweating.

  
"Wait! I saw you last night!" She called, Dean's heart stopped and he slowly turned around to see who it was.  He raised his eyebrows at the young red head running in his direction. He recognized her as the girl Castiel was with last night.

  
"Yeah well, I don’t remember you." Dean lied through his teeth,  crossing his arms against his chest as he  leaned on one hip.

  
"I wouldn’t stand like that honey, unless you want everyone to know you’re gay." she smirked

  
Dean cleared his voice and stood up straight. "I am pretty sure after that everyone knows." He smirked

  
"Don’t listen to that old bastard other there. He’s known for being an asshole." She put out her hand, "I’m Charlie, we went to high school together."  Dean shook her hand and then she put hers out to Sam’s grasping it tightly. 

  
"Wow, Sam look at you, you’re so handsome." She smiled at him. Sam began to blush, “Thanks.” he stammered.

  
"Anyways, I had a feeling I would see you around town, and I wrote your friend’s number down for you. The one you met last night" She handed Dean the piece of paper, "You should call him, and if he asked how you got his number, just say one word, ‘Charlie’ ."

  
Dean knit his brows together in confusion, _'Why would she want to help me, she doesn't know me.'_ he thought, “Why do you want me to call him?” he asked suspiciously. 

  
"He’s going through a lot right now and well, it would cheer him up a lot. He thinks you’re a babe." She giggled

  
Dean pressed his lips together, “A babe, huh? He didn’t seem to enjoy my presence so much last night.” 

  
"Oh he’s just uptight, always is." she snorted "Call him, alright?" She said walking backwards waving at them before turning around and jogging in the opposite direction. 

  
"So, are you going to call him?" Sam asked

  
"I don’t know." Dean shrugged

  
"You should, it’ll be good for you."

  
"Yeah I guess, let’s finish this walk." Dean smiled walking in the opposite direction from Charlie.

.                                                                                       ...........

  Dean walked into his front door and plopped down on the couch. He took the piece of paper out of his pocket and looked at the number for quite a while before picking up the phone, he dialed the first 4 digits and then hung up. “Come on Dean, grow a pair.” he told himself before picking his phone back up and dialing his number.

A soft voice came over the line, “Hello?”

  
Dean could feel a lump form in his voice as he tried to speak

  
"Hello?" Castiel’s voice cracked again "Hmm." he sighed, "Okay hanging up."

  
"No wait." Dean blurted out

  
"Your  voice sounds familiar, who is this?" he said swirling the telephone cord in his fingers.

  
"Dean." he said softly

  
"Dean, who??" He asked knowing exactly who it was.

"Winchester."  Dean said slightly annoyed 

How did you get my number?" He asked sending the same annoyed vibes back at him.

  
"Charlie." Dean smirked to himself

  
Castiel sighed, “Figured so, why are you calling me in the first place?” He asked bitterly.

  
"Charlie said I should, that you think I am a _babe_." Dean laughed adding an extra few syllables on 'babe'. 

  
Castiel’s face grew hot, “No, no I don't . ” he said defensively 

  
"Oh you don’t huh?" Dean teased

  
"Well, you are attractive, but a babe, that’s pushing it." He laughed teasing Dean back.

  
Dean laughed hysterically “Well, at least I am attractive.”

  
"Why do you care what I think of you?" Castiel snapped letting go of the cord, pushing his glasses back up.

  
"Well, maybe because I find you interesting, and would love to get too know you better." He rubbed the back of his neck, feeling rather awkward, he had never called a guy before, especially one he liked.

  
"No you don’t." Castiel sighed, "You really don't."

  
"Sure I do, why wouldn’t I?" Dean argued

  
"Because I am sick." He said as a warning, without the intent of telling him what he mean’t by ‘sick’. He didn't want to get close to anyone, especially not Dean.  He was a ticking time bomb, death breathing down his throat constantly. In and out of the hospital, puking his guts out from all of the treatment's he under went.  It was a sickening and depressing life, he had no room for dating, no room for love, romance and candle lit dinners. He couldn't put another living soul through something like that, watching their loved one wither away as his hair fell out, skin becoming deathly pale. He has seen it happen over and over again. Patients showing up with their wife or husband. Looking healthy despite the fact they had cancer. He watched time after time again as their lover got sicker, losing their hair, becoming so thin they resembled a walking skeleton, as their spouse withered away with them. They would appear looking sadder, and more tired than they did in the beginning like all the hope and love in the world had died away along with their loved ones illness. They would start becoming thinner just like them, hair turning grey and dull, wrinkles forming onto their once young appearance as if the cancer their significant other had, has been draining the life out of them too. He couldn't do that to anyone, he wished Dean would just leave him the hell alone. 

  
"So, we all get sick, I wouldn't mind catching something from you." Dean said flirtatiously 

  
Castiel was annoyed but he didn't let it read over in his tone. Dean was stubborn as hell, and it scared him.

“Well how do you know we would ever see each other again?” He asked

  
"Well, because I plan on taking you to dinner tonight."  He said in a cocky tone.

  
Castiel shook his head and took a deep breath. “Dean..”

  
"What?" Dean felt his heart aching, anxiety crippling his mind waiting for Castiel to respond. 'Don't reject me, please don't reject me.' he thought to himself, squeezing his phone so hard he sore he could break it in his fist 

  
"People would talk." Castiel finally replied.

  
"So what. Let em’. It will be fun."  his voice was cheery and full of hope. "Please Cas?" 

  
Castiel was quiet for a while, pondering on whether he should agree to Dean's offer or not."He almost denied him until he heard him say his name _'fuck'_  , "Pick me up at 6." 

  
"Alright, I will pick you up at 6"

"Do you even know where I live?" he asked

  
"57 Springfield Ave. I gave you a ride home Friday night.

"Oh, yeah, almost forgot." he blushed

   
"Alright,  catch you later." Dean hung up the phone and rested his head against his couch, he began squealing like a girl who just got asked out to prom by the hottest guy in the world. _'I am going on a date, an actual date, with Castiel Novak.'_ he smiled to himself 


	7. Deb's Diner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I worked really hard on this chapter, enjoy, trigger warning, alcohol, past

Dean parked his impala outside of Castiel's place. He got out and stared at the small condo for a while before he managed to get the courage to walk up his front steps. He took a deep breath before ringing the doorbell. He heard the ringing bounce off the walls of Castiels small apartment complex, followed by the sound of objects falling and crashing to the floor, and Castiel mumbling and swearing under his breath.  Dean couldn't help but chuckle to the thought of that innocent man swearing, he had a large smile on his face as his body shook with laughter. Castiel opened the door looking rather red and flustered. Dean stopped laughing immediately when he saw Castiel. Everything about him was beautiful, he was wearing a white dress shirt and black jeans. Dean looked down at himself he was only wearing a grey t-shirt and ripped up blue-jeans along with his leather jacket. Castiel looked at him nervously, "Hey." He said softly 

"Hi." Dean smirked putting his hand out for Castiel to take. Castiel placed his hand in Dean's, who bowed and kissed the top of the others hand. Castiel became red, blushing because of  Dean's actions, he found the young man annoying but dreamy at the same time. He came close to canceling several times but he accidentally deleted the number that showed up on his caller I.D., either way he probably wouldn't have had the courage to ditch out on Dean. "Are you ready?" Dean asked , Castiel hadn't noticed thet Dean had let go of his hand, he was still holding it out, looking like a complete fool. "Yeah, I am ready." He said turning around and locking his front door. 

Dean lead him to his car, "You have a really nice car." Castiel smiled "How did you get this beaut?"\

  
 "My old man, he gave it to me when I got my licence." Dean held the door open for Castiel, _'Hmm, a gentlemen.'_ Castiel thought to himself. Dean shut the door and walked over to the drivers side and got in. He started his car and Castiel closed his eyes happily to the sound of the engine, "Purrs like a kitten doesn't it?" Dean asked, Castiel nodded, eyes still closed.Taking in the familiar sound and smell from Friday night Dean turned on the radio and one of his favorite songs was playing "Back In Black by AC/DC" He smirked nodding his head to the music.

"Good song." Castiel smiled at him, opening his blue eyes once more to look over at Dean. He squeezed his thigh gently; waves of pleasure shot through Castiel's bones. He took his hand off of his thigh placing his hand back on the steering wheel. Dean rolled down his window and took out a cigarette as he drove, placing it between his teeth, "So, how are you?" Dean asked, making sure the smoke blew out of the window. He didn't want to stink up his impala. "I would be a lot better if you quit that nasty habit of yours." Castiel snapped

"/Oooo,/" Dean smirked "/burn/." he chuckled looking over at Castiel briefly. He noticed the serious look on his face. Dean twisted his mouth to the side sighing; taking one last drag before flicking more than  half of the lit cigarette out the window. "Happy?" He asked blowing the smoke out. "Very much so." Castiel smiled

                                                                                                         --

They pulled up at a small restaurant, it looked like they had traveled back to the 50's , it had a large neon red sign on top of it that read "Debs Diner" suddenly Castiel felt silly for dressing up so proper. Dean got out and walked around to Castiel's side and opened the door for him, Castiel nodded and thanked him as he got out. As they approached the doors Castiel rushed ahead of him and opened the door for Dean, returning the favor, "Thank you." Dean smirked green eyes glistening in the moon light.   
The Diner was beautiful, it had a bar in front of the kitchen, the counters where white with red bar stools lining against it. There where white tables with red booths, the floor was checkered black and white and the walls had various posters and trinkets from the 1950's. Castiel looked around the small diner in awe. "Wow." he breathed. A waitress walked over to the couple and brought them to a booth, they sat down and she introduced herself, "Hello, My name is Meg Masters, just call me Meg." The wide set brunette smiled, "Here are our menus', I will be back shortly to take your orders." she smiled walking away from the two.  Dean watched Castiel look over the menu carefully, Dean has been here several times since he moved here so he already had an idea on what he wanted. He found Castiel strikingly beautiful, the way he crinkled his nose and raised his eyebrows as he read the different options the diner had to offer.  Dean found it even cuter when he pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose, Dean never knew he wore them, in fact he was sure he wasn't wearing them at the club the night before. "Do you wear contacts?" Dean asked suddenly Castiel looked up from the menu and closed it, "Yes, why?"  Castiel asked placing the closed menu in front  of him. "I noticed you are wearing glasses, except you weren't wearing them last night." Castiel nodded agreeing with Dean, "So your eyes really are that blue aren't they?" Castiel nodded, "So beautiful." Dean breathed. Castiel became red again, he turned and looked out the window to try and hide the fact that he was blushing from Dean, but he still felt the older boys gaze on him. Castiel was relieved when Meg came back over to take their orders "You boys ready?" She smirked, Dean looked at Castiel and he nodded, "Alright well first." Dean smiled, "Two root-beer floats, vanilla-bean ice cream with a shot of vodka." He smirked  and looked at Castiel _'Oh great, trying to get me drunk on the first date._ ' Castiel thought. "What would you like?" Dean asked "Just a burger and fries."  Dean nodded and pressed his lips together, "That sounds great, I will have the same thing."  Meg wrote down their orders and asked the both of them for their I.D.s  Once she checked both of them off she left the table to put in the orders with the head chef.

  
"So how old are you?" Dean asked looking at Castiel from across the booth, finger's crossed;resting on the table.

  
Castiel looked down at Dean's hands and then up at his eyes,"Twenty-three, and yourself?" 

  
"Twenty-four. " Dean leaned forward, showing interest in Castiel. "What's your family like?" 

  
Castiel fidgeted in his seat, "I don't have one." He said not knowing where to look now that he had Dean's attention. He tried looking at his own two hands that rested on the table to ease the awkward feeling that settled in his stomach, but that didn't work. He even tried looking out at the window watching the busy street as cars and motorcycles drove by, but, again, that wasn't working. 

  
"Oh." Dean frowned, "I am sorry, my condolences." Dean reached over and touched his hand, rubbing the top of it with his thumb. Castiel looked down at Dean's hand cupping his. He gulped slowly as heat spread across his face. Dean noticed him blushing, he pulled his hand away and smirked at him.

  
"It's okay." he smiled "Thank you,  what is your family like?" He asked curious as to what Dean's home life was like. He hoped he has a lot of happy stories from when he grew up, it would be easier for Castiel to listen to Dean rather than confess his sad miserable childhood.

  
"I have an younger brother, Sam; he's a doctor.  My mom died when I was a kid, I don't remember much of her. So it's just me, Sam and my old man. He is an ex marine, I work at a machanics shop with him and my Uncle Bobby." He smiled. "Well he's not really my uncle, he just raised and took care of Sammy and I more than my dad."

  
Castiel nodded,"If you don't mind me asking, how did she pass away?"

Dean took a deep breath and played with the ring on his right hand, "A fire, in Sam's nursery." Castiel felt his heart drop into his stomach, he shut his eyes slowly and took a deep breath, "I am s-"  

"There was an intruder," Castiel opened his eyes "he came to take Sam, we don't know why but it's been messing with my dad for years. Sam was only 6 months old, he barely remember's her, and I was so young." He sighed, "Only reason why I can hear her voice and remember how she looked was from some home videos and pictures that my father managed to save." Dean took off the ring and handed it to Castiel. "That was her ring." Dean smiled, "I never take it off." Dean lifted a necklace from out under his t-shirt, "This is a samulet, Sam gave it to me for Christmas one year, I never take either of them off, until now." he laughed referring to Castiel holding the ring.  Castiel carefully handed it back to him, "What is a samulet?"  
Dean shrugged, "I'm not sure, but it's suppose to protect me and burn hot white when in the presence of God." Dean laughed.  
  
 "How do they feel about you being gay?" Castiel found himself asking out of no where. Dean put the ring back on his finger.

  
"My pops doesn't know, well, he does, but I won't admit to it, he almost beat my ass for it as a kid. And Sammy, well, he doesn't care."

  
"I see" Castiel began to play with a bracelet he was wearing, Dean's gaze left Castiel's face and followed where Castiel was looking. "My parents died in a car crash when I was 10" he said suddenly "I lived with my grandparents up until I was 18,  very religious people, they kicked me out when they caught me with another guy." He chuckled at the memory. "I have several brother's and sister's but we lost contact after our parents passed away, I was the only one who got to stay with my grandma and grandpa because they were my god-parents. " He looked back up at Dean, "I tried to find my brother's and sister's but so far, no luck." 

  
Dean nodded, and rubbed the back of his neck "I am sorry to hear that Castiel."  He shuddered to the sound of Dean saying his name, the first time he said it completely instead of referring to him as Cas. It rolled off his tongue so beautifully, he could of melted into the sound if his body would let him.

Meg came back with their orders "Two root-beer floats; burger's and fires." She said placing them down, "Thank you." both Castiel and Dean said at he same time, they looked at each other and began giggling. Meg raised an eye brow at the two before walking away.

Castiel looked down at the food suddenly losing his apatite due to the new medication he was on, nausea was a common feeling. Dean picked up a fry off of his own place and chewed it slowly watching Castiel carefully, noticing the look of disgust on his face. He squinted his eyes "Are you alright?"

  
"Yeah, I am fine." Castiel smiled at him trying to ignore the feeling of his stomach turning.

  
Dean looked at Castiel suspiciously "You look sick." 

  
"I am fine, really." Cas said picking up his burger and taking a bite from it, he put it down and chewed slowly, but soon pulled his hand up to his mouth in a fist followed by a slight gag. "Sorry." Castiel frowned

  
"Are you sure you're okay? Is it the food?" Dean asked picking up his own burger examining it closely.

  
"No, just my medication, I will be fine." Castiel smiled taking another bite, "I love burger's, they are my favorite." He took a sip of his drink, alcohol burning his throat. "But my medication can make me nauseous and loss of appetite."  He frowned, "But I will be okay, I promise." 

  
"Medication?" Dean asked raising an eyebrow at him. He looked down at his plate and picked up a few fries throwing them in his mouth.

  
"Allergies."

  
Dean nodded and picked up his burger, taking a bite of it. Moaning happily to the taste. Castiel smiled at him, pleased with Dean's reaction. "You eat like a pig." Castiel joked, laughing hysterically when he noticed there was some ketchup on the side of his mouth. "You got something," Castiel pointed to the side of his mouth where the ketchup was on Dean's face, he grabbed a napkin and wiped his face, "No," Castiel began laughing harder, "right there." Dean tried again, only getting frustrated when he kept missing the spot. "Hold on." Castiel snorted mid laughter; picking up a napkin and wiping Deans face, "Got it." He smiled.

 

"Thank you." Dean said face beat red, as hot embarrassment rushed over his face. Dean took a sip of his drink and watched Castiel play with the red straw in his glass, smiling at Dean lovingly. "Do you want me to bring you home? Since you're not feeling good?" Dean asked

  
"No, I am not having my medication ruin our night."  Castiel said taking a sip of his drink, coughing at the burn of the alcohol. "This is the most fun I have had in a while." he confessed. 

  
"Alright" Dean said not taking his eyes off the small brunette that sat before him. "Good." Dean couldn't take his eyes of Castiel's the bright blue color was so beautiful, like nothing he had ever seen before. "You know," Dean said leaning forward "you have the most beautiful goddamn eyes."

  
"Is that why you keep starring at me?" Castiel asked

  
Dean felt waves of humiliation rush over him "Oh, you noticed that?" Dean laughed nervously, he could feel his heart beat quicken. He looked down at his hands, palms sweating "I just think you're gorgeous." Dean replied. Castiel smiled coyly, he loved seeing the cocky Winchester get all flustered, especially since he was the reason.

  
Castiel took a bigger sip from his drink, "Thanks"

  
Dean chuckled "You're welcome."

  
Castiel liked how blunt Dean was, he envied that about him. He wished he had the courage to tell him what he thought about Dean. How he was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, from his freckles that covered his sun kissed skin, too his emerald green eyes that were beautiful shaded by long thick lashes. How beautifully sculpted his jaw line was, too the shape of his full pouty lips, even his hair was perfect. It wasn't a surprise that Castiel was so intimidated by this man, he looked as if he had been hand sculpted by Zeus himself. Castiel knew that agreeing to this date would only re-spark his never  ending want for the older Winchester, Charlie was right, he has a huge gay crush on Dean, and ever since he saw him at the night club there was no denying it, not anymore, not ever again. Dean was going to finally be his, and he knew it. 

 

 


	8. Virgin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a few days since their first date and they were already unable to keep their hands off one another.

Shoes scuffed against the floor of Castiel's small condo clumsily, knocking over objects off of small tables that sat in the hallway, they practically tripped over the couch as Castiel lead them to his bedroom. Which they hadn't noticed the couch since their lips have been locked together since the entered the apartment. Dean found himself falling flat onto Castiel's bed in the dark with the familiar scent of the small boy climbing on top of him. Castiel straddled him as he rocked his hips into the other's slowly, kissing him hungrily. Dean froze up in fear, he swallowed hard not knowing what he was suppose to do, this was his first time.

He finally managed to find the courage to pull away from Castiel just enough to where his lips brushed against the other's, "Whoa, not to fast Cas." Dean smirked against his lips.

  
"Why? I thought this was what you wanted." Castiel said looking down at him trying to find where his green eyes would be.

  
"Of course I want to Cas, hell, I crave it, but I don't think I am ready just yet."  Castiel leaned over to turn on his bed-side lamp, Dean flinched under the brightness of light. Castiel looked down at him sinfully,  "Well your cock says otherwise."

 Dean swallowed hard as crimson formed over the light flesh of his cheeks.  "I just don't want to rush things." He said looking up into Castiel's eyes.  Castiel nodded and slumped off of Dean lying next to him, he began running circles across the other's chest gingerly, moving them down his stomach; stopping at his hip bones. 

  
"I thought I was ready, I really did." Dean said honestly as he watched Castiel's hands dip underneath his pants, teasing him slowly. Dean let out a small whimper when he felt the warmth of his hand wrap around his semi hard-on. 

  
Castiel looked up at Dean's face, watching his reaction,  "Have you ever done this before?" Castiel asked, lust dripping off of his lips with each word.

  
"Sex?" Dean asked trying to steady his breathing.

  
"Mhm." Castiel said as he kissed Dean's neck softly, waiting for an answer. But it never came. Castiel took his hand out of his pants and propped him self up on one arm; head resting in his palm. "Oh....you haven't?" Castiel asked feeling pathetic for reaching down his pants. Dean gulped so loud, he had sworn the whole neighborhood heard him "Not even girls?" He asked looking at him carefully. Dean shook his head. "Wow." Castiel said in shock.

 _How was I able to get laid and not Dean Winchester, the man was gorgeous, by far the most attractive boy in this town, him and his brother were like walking Gods, and me? Hell I am nothing but a nerdy tooth-pick_.

 "Really?" Castiel asked in shock rather than disappointment.

  
"Really." Dean sighed looking over at him. He felt like such a goddamn loser, twenty-four and a freaking virgin. Castiel expected more from him, which only made him feel even shittier. 

  
"Wow." Castiel breathed. 

  
Dean felt himself grow red, "I'm sorry."

  
"Don't be sorry!" Castiel barked at him "There's nothing to be sorry about!"

  
Dean looked over at him, lips curved into a coy smile "Well, if you don't mind, I'd like to go back to kissing you." He said rather cocky despite how little he felt for being so _pure_. 

  
Castiel smirked that was all he needed to hear. Their lips met once more, the other parted his lips allowing Castiel to enter his mouth.

They kissed this way for several hours, locked together like two teenagers in love, grinding up against each other softly. Trailing down the neck of the other leaving soft pink marks behind. Castiel believed he could never stop kissing Dean, he was hooked on him, from those full lips, to the way he tasted; like alcohol and nicotine.

He was addicted and wanted more, to get closer to him, as if him being back on top of him wasn't close enough. He needed him like  flower's need honey-bee's, he craved him, like he was his own brand of heroine.  

Their hands tangled in each others hair, soft moans and grunts forming from the back of their throats, as they kissed and rubbed against each other. "Fuck." Dean panted, "Fuck Cas, you're ruining me." He breathed against the other's neck before he tugged at the bottom of his sweater vest pulling it over his head. Castiel returned the favor removing Dean's black V-neck t-shirt, he stopped for a moment in awe looking over the dirty blonde haired boys body.

Dean noticed him glancing over his chest and torso, he looked up at his face and saw the pink of his lips turn pale in-between the row of teeth.  _'My God, he was sculpted by gods.'_ Castiel thought to himself as he touched Dean's pectoral muscles, trailing his fingers in-between every ab of his six pack. He slowly leaned down and kissed him gently. Dean's hands immediately went for Castiel's hair, tugging it slightly as the familiar warmth rushed down to his groin again causing him to buck his hips up. Castiel sat back up, only to be tugged him back down locking his lips with the other's.

                                                                                                                                          --

"Hey, Dean?" Castiel's voice broke through the darkness of his apartment complex, still wrapped up in Dean's familiar warmth.

  
"Yeah Cas?" Dean asked tracing his finger's down his spine, dipping into the small deep dimples at the base of his back.

  
"I'm glad we did not have sex." Castiel said blushing at the word, sex. "I really enjoyed being on a more intimate level with you." he chuckled .

  
Castiel managed to find Dean's face in the darkness, caressing it ever so softly, Dean took his hand and kissed the back of it, "Why?" He asked generally concerned.

  
"I don't want to hurt you." Castiel sighed, "I am sick Dean, _really_ sick."

  
Dean began to fidget under Castiel, feeling uneasy.  Castiel rolled off of him and turned his lamp back on, while Dean's immediate reaction was to sit up. Castiel looked up at Dean's face, studying his expression, to those forest green globes, counting the freckles that scattered across his face. "I don't care if your sick Cas, I know it's only been a few days but I want to be with you." Castiel sat up, moving in front of Dean, "I have never been so happy in my life, please don't take this away from me."

  
Castiel thumbed the side of the other's face, dragging it across his cheek bone, down to his jaw, tracing it slowly. "You don't know me." Castiel hushed

  
"So, I want to know you." Dean sighed, "I want to know how you look when you wake up; If your hair is messy or neat. I want to know what you like to eat for breakfast, your dreams, your goals, I want to know everything Cas." Dean took a deep breath, "Since the moment I saw you in the club, I knew I had to have you, I had to make that beautiful blue-eye'd brunette mine."

  
Castiel took a deep breath, he was screwed absolutely screwed, and Dean didn't understand, he tried to warn him, twice now, he wanted to tell him the truth, to scream at the top of his lungs that he has cancer, that he is dying. But he couldn't, he couldn't find the courage to tell him. He hoped that Dean would just tell Sam about him and Sam would spill the beans for him, save him the trouble from seeing the hurt expression on the freckled boy's face. "Cas?" Dean said waving his hand in front of his face, "You still with me?"

  
"Yeah, " Castiel finally said "But why now, why do you want me now and not back then?" He asked suddenly, only to feel like a complete idiot once the words passed through his full lips.

  
"Huh?" Dean asked furrowing his brow at the young Novak, "What do you mean?"

  
"High School." Castiel said softly

  
"What about it?" Dean asked

  
"You do not remember me Dean, but I sure as hell remember you." Castiel said harsher than he meant for it to be. "I was a grade lower than you, I had a massive crush on you, but instead of you noticing me, you chased after girls. Why come clean about your sexuality now, and not then? You have came into my life at the worse goddamn time Dean, so why now?"

  
Dean looked at him in shock, trying to figure out the right words to say. Castiel was right, he didn't remember him, and he couldn't explain why, not yet. He didn't want to tell him about the abuse back at home, and the self hatred he had for himself back then. He wasn't in the right state of mind, he barely payed any attention unless it was on a girl, trying to make everyone believe he was something he's not. Putting on a circus act everyday to keep the rumors from spreading. How could he tell him all of that without overwhelming him?

"I'm sorry, I didn't know...." Dean rubbed the back of his neck, "Look, back then, I was messed up, I didn't want anyone knowing I was gay, my dad found out and well, he wasn't to happy, so I fought harder to prove to him I was straight." Dean touched Castiel's arm, "Girls began to talk, saying I never put out, telling everyone that I was gay, and well, I freaked, and I dropped out. I'm sorry I don't fully recall who you are Cas, but that was then, this is now, can't we focus on now?" Dean said almost pleading as desperation shown through his eyes.

  
"It's too late Dean." Castiel sighed, touching the top of his hand that rested on his face.

"No it's not, it's never too late, let me make it up to you." Dean smiled caressing his cheek, "I'll be good for you, I"ll be good to you, so good." He breathed closing in on Castiel, claiming his bottom lip as his, sucking it in between his own. Dean trailed his lips across his cheek, kissing it softly, "I can make you feel good, I can make you happy." He hushed against the sensitive skin on his neck, "I will make up for it, all those lost years, I'll be good to you angel, you'll see, just give me a chance." He said planting a kiss on his neck. Castiel sighed into the kiss. "Alright." he breathed.

"Alright." Dean repeated

"Alright, yes." Castiel giggled, "Now come here!" He shouted pulling Dean back down on the bed with him.

  
 _Goddammit Dean, God- freaking-dammit_ , he knew he couldn't say no to him, he knew he couldn't tell him to pick up his shit and get out of his apartment. That what ever was starting to bud between them was over.He was smitten, absolutely smitten for the older Winchester, he never meant to be, not at all, but that night at Deb's Diner he knew he was stuck, he knew there was no way in hell he was ever going to let Dean slip between his finger's again. He couldn't put himself through that kind of pain once more, wandering the halls, wondering where he was the day he got the courage to ask him out.

Planting notes inside of his locker for days on end, and when the news hit, that he dropped out of high school. He fell into a deep depression, wondering why the hell he never made himself known. Castiel even thought about getting close with Sam, asking him to give him his letters but that would of been weird, right? Yeah definitely would of been weird. Dean hardly knew him, and from what he heard Dean just thought of him as some weird stalker. But now, Dean wanted him, he actually wanted him, and he wasn't going to fuck this up. Despite the fact that he was dying from cancer. Hell he's not going to die, there is no way he is going to let this illness beat him, he is going to be with Dean. He is going to survive this and live in a Victorian house that him and Dean will build themselves. Everything is going to be alright, it's going to be _alright_.

                                                                                                                                         --  
Castiel looked at him carefully, "I am tired." He said softly, "Let's go to sleep." He smiled kissing the top of Dean's head. Dean nodded agreeing.  Castiel got up and went to his bathroom taking out the small prescription of morphine, he took one pill to help with the pain for when he got up in the morning. He slowly made his way back to his bedroom, crawling beneath the sheets, he turned off the light and wrapped himself around Dean as if he were a small kitten cuddling up with it's owner. Dean sighed happily and moved his arms around to his shoulder, pulling him in so that he could rest his head on his chest. "Goodnight, Dean." He breathed as he slowly drifted off to the calming sound of Dean's steady heart beat.

"Goodnight my angel."

_Come and take me alright._


	9. Dinner at Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if there is alot going on in this chapter, starts off with a memory

\--November 2nd 1963

  
 It was a cool autumn night, the wind blew softly through the tree's, everything felt tranquil. Mary Winchester woke up in the middle of the night to find herself in an empty bed, running her hands across the empty space besides her. Sitting up she took a deep breath and crept out of the room in her long white night-gown to go check on her six month old, Samuel. Walking down the hallway slowly she headed towards Dean's room, only to stop and crack the door open to see if he was asleep. She walked in his room careful not to step on any of his toys. She sat down on the edge of the bed next to him and brushed his dirty-blonde hair from his forehead, she kissed it softly. Dean squirmed and rubbed his nose. Which she kissed after he pulled his hand away. He rubbed his eyes, chubby baby hands balled into tiny fists and looked up at her, green eyes glazed with sleepiness "Mama?" She smiled down at him counting the light freckles that littered his face, "I am here."  she kissed his cheek softly, "Go back to sleep, just checking up on you." Dean nodded and rolled over. Mary shut off his lamp he had left on and left his room quietly. She walked down to Sam's nursery and peeked into the room only to see a man standing over his crib, whom she assumed to be John. She smiled to herself resting her hand on the door panel taking in the view. The light in the hallway began to flicker but she thought nothing of it. She turned away from the door to notice that the television in the living room was still on, the similar glow lighting up the hallway; with a light blue hue. As she started down the stairs she noticed that her husband was passed out on the couch, her heart stammered as she turned running back up the stairs "John!" She screamed. She felt like rushing up the stairs took hours, heart slamming on the inside of her chest, She finally reached the front step, sprinting down the hallway ;feeling as if the hallway was getting longer with each step. She reached Sam's room , the man turned around and smiled at her sinfully. He charged towards her and pushed her against the wall, covering her mouth with the palms of his hands. He was much larger than she was, as she struggled against him. Sam screaming and crying in the crib. He heard John running up the stairs; "Mary!" . Her attacker looked around the room frantically, he noticed the closet and dragged her into it with him, still cupping her mouth as she tried to fight him off. John entered the room but saw no one in it besides a crying infant. He walked over to Sam and leaned over his crib, he picked him up into his arms; supporting his small fragile head while he bounced him in his arms; rocking him slowly. "It's okay Sammy, daddy's here." He hushed smiling down at him. Mary watched through the cracks of the closet door; knife to her throat and mouth covered. "If you try anything, I'll kill your entire family." he whispered in her ear. John turned and walked out of the nursery with Samuel in his arms, "You must be hungry, let's go get you a bottle." he smiled down at his son.

Once John was gone the intruder dragged Marry out of the closet, still covering her mouth as he stabbed her in the stomach. She dropped to her knees clutching her adornment as blood pooled out from the wound. The man looked Mary in the eyes as he pulled out a lighter and lit the curtains in the nursery on fire. Flames swarmed up the cloth quick as it made its way to the ceiling spreading across it like a blanket. "John!" Mary screamed as the room went up in flames, John saw smoke flood the hallway as he ran to Dean's bedroom to get his son out of the house, Dean was already standing out in the hallway coughing out black smoke that burned his lungs "Daddy?" the small 4 year old called out rubbing his eyes.  John scooped him into his arms as he still held Sam; running out the door with them, he placed them on the grass, "Stay here! Watch your brother!" He screamed as he ran back inside to find his wife. He ran to Sam's nursery, smoke clouding the small house, the fire had spread quickly. He reached the bedroom and the man was standing in the room engulfed with flames. He winked at him as he dissipated into thin air. A panel crashed to the floor from behind him and two firemen rushed up the stairs grabbing John by the arm, pulling him from the house.

                                                                                                 --

Sam walked into the office, ready to start his day. He had heard rumors of a new nurse starting today and being the gentlemen he was he wanted to greet her and show her around. He stopped dead in his tracks as a beautiful blue eyed blonde turned around, smiling at him. "I thought I heard someone come in." She smiled at him, long blonde hair falling in curls around her face and shoulder's. Sam smiled at her, struck with nervousness. "Jessica Moore." She said in a sweet southern accent while walking over to him, reaching her hand out to him. "Sam Winchester." he smiled griping it tightly. Jessica nodded, "It's my first day, I am so freakin' nervous." She laughed playing with a strand of her hair.

Sam pushed his long brown hair back from his face, "You'll do fine. Trust me."

"And if I don't ?" She smiled up at him, blue eyes locked on his hazel.

"Then you can beat me up for it." Jessica began laughing, smile stretched across her face, "Sounds like a plan."

God she was beautiful, he had never seen anyone so goddamn gorgeous before. She had this natural glow about her, warmth radiating off of her sun-kissed skin.  He even loved the beauty mark that was almost in the center of her forehead. She smelled like girly shampoo and lilacs. Everyday on their break they would spend it together, talking about their family. Sam learned that she was an only child and moved here from Texas when she was ten. Sh told him her dad died when she was young from natural causes and it was just her and her mother left. Her mom; Karla, is a veterinarian down at a shelter several towns away so Jessica didn't get to see her very much.  Sam told her that his mother had been gone before he even got the chance to know her and his father worked as a mechanic with his older brother Dean. Jessica asked what Dean was like, Sam described him as if he were some form of super hero, like; Batman. Jessica laughed at him when he said his brother was indeed Batman.  She wanted to meet him, and his dad. Which Sam declined saying it would be a bad idea to meet his dad but she could definitely come over for dinner some day and meet Dean. They set up a date, making it for this Sunday night, Sam reassured her he would invite Dean. She kept messing with him saying he probably won't even tell him so then Sam could turn it into a date. Sam became bright red, denying what she was saying, promising he would invite him. She wouldn't stop teasing him so he called Dean and asked him on speaker phone, Dean negotiated as long as he could bring a date which Sam happily agreed to.

                                                                                                        --

Sunday came quicker than Sam expected. He cooked a large dinner, home-made spaghetti and meatballs; and some garlic bread, with a side of fresh vegetables which he turned into a tossed salad. Jessica was the first to arrive. She knocked on his door anxiously, twisting her heels on the wooded porch. She wore a pretty little white sundress laced with red and pink roses. Sam was taken back when he saw her, not use to seeing her out of her scrubs. "Come in." He beamed holding the door open for her, she walked in past his tall structure and into the front room. "Wow, beautiful home." She smiled as he shut the door behind her. "Thanks." He smiled removing her sweater from her body; hanging it on the coat rack by the door.

"You look beautiful." He said as she turned around to face him. Sam was wearing a nice buttoned up blue dress shirt and a pair of black dress pants, dimples sinking into his wide smile. Jessica nodded and motioned Sam to bend over, to which she placed a small kiss onto his cheek, Sam blushed violently red when her lips touched his skin. She pulled away and Sam stood up straight again. "Where is Dean?" She asked.

"He's on his way now." He smiled.

Castiel had been trying to get out of it the best he could, but he really didn't have any valid reasons so start an argument with Dean about it.  Castiel paced back and fourth all day, which Dean had noticed since he stayed at Castiel's place the night before ."Dean are you sure this is a good idea, meeting your brother and all?" Castiel asked.

"Why? Are you having second thoughts?" Dean asked taking Castiel's hand pulling him to the couch. Castiel fell on Dean with a thud; a small sound was made in the back of Dean's throat, almost sounded like pain. Castiel rested his head on Dean's shoulder. "I am just anxious."   
  
Dean turned his head and kissed Castiels temple, tightening his grip around Castiel. "You will do great, he will love you, I know he will."  
  
"That's not what I am worried about Dean." His voice was muffled against Dean's broad shoulder.

Dean rubbed his back trying to sooth his nervous friend; tracing his finger tips down his spine only to stop right above his ass where his thumbs rested perfectly in the dimples of his back,  "Then what are you worried about, angel." 

Castiel sighed and sat up crawling off of Dean, "I have to tell you something Dean." He said looking into his green-apple eyes sadly. It was time to tell him, he had been waiting to damn long, he should of told him from the beginning, before Dean started to crave him; before he started to crave every inch of Dean. It's been three months since they started dating, and neither of them have ask the other to be their boyfriend yet so, now was the perfect time. Dean could either stay and they can grow stronger and possibly into a couple. Or Dean could leave and they both wouldn't be as hurt if he had said it after they were in too deep.

He watched Dean look over at the clock, "Can it wait? We have to go."

  
Castiel took a deep breath, "Yeah." he exhaled, "It can wait."

 

                                                                                --

Castiel stood on the porch, shaking at the knee's knowing Sam was his doctor.

He was fucked.

Sam didn't know the name of the boy Dean had been seeing for the past three months yet and now he was coming face to face with him. Only to see that the boy his brother is dating it his patient that is dying of cancer. What isn't there to be afraid of?

Sam opened the door with a smile on his face looking at Dean, he turned to look at who his date was, his face dropped when he realized who it was. "Sam this is Castiel." Dean smiled.

Sam looked at Castiel carefully, he blinked a few times to make sure he was seeing this correctly. Castiel noticed this, his palms began to sweat and his stomach twisted up inside. _'Keep breathing._ ' he told himself over and over. He swore Sam was going to call him out on the spot right in front of Dean, embarrassing him forever.

Castiel looked up at him shyly, biting at the flesh inside his cheek. Sam raised his eyebrow at him and inhaled a long breath, releasing it slowly, he smiled slightly and put his hand out to Castiel. Castiel took his hand and shook it lightly, "Nice to meet you." Sam smiled with the most sarcastic look on his face. Dean raised an eyebrow at him and Sam backed away from the door way letting the two enter his home. Dean put his hand around Castiel's waist and lead him in slowly. Castiel eye'd the home carefully, it really was beautiful.  Jessica turned around and smiled at the three boys that stood by the door.

"This is my brother Dean  and his date," Sam rubbed his forehead "my apologies,  what is it again?" He said looking at the short brunette.

  
Castiel swallowed hard, unable to look at Dean or Sam, "C-Castiel." He choked out.

  
Jessica walked forwards, "Nice to meet you Dean and Castiel, I'm Jessica, but you can call me Jess." She smirked.

  
"Dinner is just about ready, how about you all take a seat over there." Sam smiled motioning his hands over to the dinning room. "Actually, Cas,  can you help me out, this will give me a great chance to get to know the boy my brother is seeing."

  
Castiel gulped, "Oh um, yeah, sure." he said as he tugged the bottom of his vest nervously. Dean tightened his grip on Castiel's waist and looked down at him with a concerned look on his face,  "Cas, are you sure, you don't have to."

  
Castiel nodded "It's okay, I want to." Dean watched Castiel walk into the kitchen with Sam suspiciously.

Why does Sam want to talk to Castiel? What was the point? And why the hell was his brother grilling his date?  He looked at Castiel as if he knew him, or seen him before, maybe from school? Yeah, it had to be that. Dean turned to Jess and put his arm out "After you ma'am." 

  
Sam shut the door to the kitchen, Castiel leaned up against the counter, taking in slow steady breaths trying to calm down his speeding heart. He watched Sam rubbing his temples and his large chest lift up with each breath he took. He tried looking for an expression that showed he was angry but it was neutral; which scared him even more. Sam took a deep breath before speaking, "Did you know Dean was my brother?"

Castiel fidgeted with his finger's, looking into Sam's eyes. "No, not at first, but I did know after the night at the club." He said honestly.

"Then what are you doing Castiel? You're sick." Sam sighed "And you're making him happy, happier than he ever has been. Do you know what that means?" Sam walked closer to him, "You're going to hurt him Castiel, leave him more messed up than he already is."

"What do you mean, messed up?" Castiel asked genuinely concerned for Dean.

Sam ignored his last comment, "Are you going to tell him?" He said glaring down at the young man, " Because if you don't I will and it will piss him off finding out from me."

  
Castiel looked at him sheepishly, "I am going to tell him."

  
"Do it soon, before things get serious between you two, if it gets that far." Sam walked over to the sink and began washing his hands.

  
"I know. I need to tell him, so then he can make his own decision, to stay with me or leave me." Castiel said quietly. Sam nodded watching over him over his shoulder.

  
"In the mean time, come back to my office we have more tests we need to run, we could cure this Castiel."  Sam walked over to the stove and took off the pot. He walked over to the sink and began draining the water from the pot of noodles. "Cas can you bring out the salad?"  he said without looking at him.

  
Castiel pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose, "Yeah sure, anything else?"

  
"No, just that is fine."

  
Castiel pushed through the door.

_/fuck/_

_I am screwed, everything could of been so easily avoided not getting together with his older brother in the first place. God I am such a goddamn idiot._

 "Stupid Cas, stupid." he said under his breath. "Fuck I need a cigarette."  he sighed.

  
                                                                                  --

  
"So, Dean, you're the big brother Sam talks about."  Jess said sitting across from him at the table.

  
"Oh, so he talks about me, huh?" Dean smirked at her crossing his arms across his chest playfully.

  
"Yup, he says you are Batman." She said moving a curl away from her face.

  
He started laughing hysterically "Well, he ain't lying, I am Batman." He said in his best Batman voice. "What else did he tell you?"

  
Jess placed her index finger to her bottom lip, "Hmmm." she teased, she took her finger off her lips raising it in the air  "Ah! I remember." She said placing her hands crossed in front of her "That you took care of him when you were kids, and that he looks up to you." She giggled, "He told me he tried bein' like you."

  
Dean began laughing, "Yeah, he did try being like me," Dean hunched over laughing harder, "this, this one time, Sam wanted to dress up as Batman, so I took on Superman, we, "(Laughter)"We went on the roof and Sammy, man he was just a little kid, and he thought Batman could fly like superman." He shook his head, shoulder's bouncing from the laughter.

  
Jess leaned forward resting her head on her hands with anticipation, "What? What he do?" Her big eyes were wide and eager. 

  
"He jumped off the roof." Dean's laughter turned into a giggle, "He uh, he broke his wrist and I brought him to the hospital on my bicycle." He shook his head and stopped laughing, shoulder's falling, "My dad, he-he chewed my ass out."

  
Jess looked at him, more seriously than before, "What did your dad do to you?" She asked brows knit together noticing his change of mood. The way his eyes dropped and his lower lip began to quiver.  His hands were shaking and he kept wiping them on his jeans. The fear in his eyes was terrifying _'What did he do to him?'_ she thought as she watched him showing signs of abuse. 

  
Castiel walked in with the salad, Dean and Jess both looked up at him as he placed it on the table, "You don't want to know." Dean finally said.

  
Castiel sat down next to Dean "Hey."

  
"Hi." Dean smiled at him, keeping his eyes on Castiel's.

  
Jess smiled at the two of them, eyes locked on each other like two song birds in love. "How long have you two been together?"

  
Dean looked at her, he opened his mouth to tell her they aren't official just yet;  "Three months." Castiel blurted out.

  
"Really? That's it? The way you two look at each other, I swore you have lived a life time together."

  
Dean looked down blushing; deep rose red across his slender cheeks and Castiel took his hand that laid under the table, squeezing it. "Maybe in a past life." Castiel smiled at her.

 


	10. Fourth Of July

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning, panic attack, vomit, hate crime

Why the hell was Castiel saying this kind of crap, they aren't even official, let alone 'together'. He wanted to say something to him but he kept his mouth shut for his dates sake. He looked over at him, still holding his hand he had become thinner than he was when he met him. Castiel was always complaining about feeling ill and sore. His skin was growing paler in the month of July while Dean's was growing darker. It was summer now, he should of at least gotten a little darker with all the visits to the park they make.He wondered if it had anything to do with him saying he was sick.  What exactly is he sick with anyways? He was in mid-thought when Sam walked in with the rest of the food, Jess got up and helped him, taking some items from his arms and placing them on the table. "Wow Sam, everythin' looks great!" Jessica beamed sitting back down at the table. "Thanks." He smiled sitting down next to her, across from Castiel. 

  
Dinner went smoothly, they all talked and joked around, the tension between Sam and Castiel subsided and the atmosphere was at peace again.Sam and Jess would poke each other playfully as they ate, stealing glances at each other every so often. There where times where the two could not take their eyes off of each other even if they tried. The oldest Winchester and Castiel would often look at the other as if they were agreeing that Sam and Jess have the hots for one another.

 "I was thinking the four of us could go see the fire-works together Wednesday." Sam smiled sweetly. Dean took a bite of his garlic bread and nodded.

"July 4th is already here?" Castiel asked, brows raised in shock

. "Yup." Dean smirked, "this Wednesday." Jess had a wide smile on her face, "Oh Dean, say you two will come!" She shouted happily. He looked over to Castiel, "What do you think?" He asked looking into his blue eyes. "I think it sounds wonderful." 

Wow, July 4th, it's already here? It'll be three months of dating on July 3rd, Castiel could remember clearly how that night went on that cool April night. He wanted to ask him to be his boyfriend already but he knew that was a bad idea, not because Dean wasn't ready, he assumes he is, but because of the cancer. Castiel knows he has to tell him before it gets more serious between them than it already is. He couldn't bare to break the freckled boys heart, he practically begged him three weeks into dating to try and make it work. He knew what he had to do, and he wasn't going to let anything get in the way of telling him this time.

"Then it's a date." He smiled at Jessica as she bounced up and down in her seat happily. Sam looked over at her and smiled, "I am glad I brought it up, we can all meet at Deb's Diner in the afternoon and drive out to New York City after lunch. " Jess smiled and bit her lip, "We'll have to get a hotel room but that shouldn't be an issue, let me know where you want to stay and I'll book three rooms." Dean nodded and looked over at Castiel who had the look of a five year old who's parents just told him they were going to Disney World. "You pick where we should stay." the dark brunette smiled, Dean's brother frowned agreeing with him. Dinner was just about over, Dean and Castiel didn't want to over stay their welcome, in-fact they wanted to leave Sam and Jess alone for a while, the chemistry between those two at dinner was sickening. Adorably sickening.

Dean hugged his brother goodbye while Jess hugged Castiel, "Dude, make a move she likes you." Dean smiled as he pulled away.

"Jess, he likes you, come on make a move already." Castiel whispered in her ear before they switched off; Dean hugging Jess while Castiel awkwardly hugged Sam goodbye.  Both his younger brother and his dates face was bright red, embarrassed with what they secretly told them.

They walked out of Sam's house laughing to themselves, "Did you see their faces?" Dean laughed.

"Yeah what did you say to him? Castiel giggled.

"I told him to make a move." the brunette burst into laughter, "I told Jess the same thing." Dean hunched over, laughing so hard he could feel his lungs contract with every breath. Seeing him like that made Castiel  burst into laughter too, only to start coughing and hacking into his hand.

Dean stood up and grabbed Castiel's side, "Hey are you alright?" Castiel could taste the familiar flavor metal in his mouth, quickly closing his hand so Dean couldn't see the small specs of red. "Yeah, I'm fine." He smiled, "Just choking on saliva."  Dean smiled at him and patted his back, he wiped the blood onto his sweater vest while he wasn't looking. "Let's get out of here." he smiled as he lead Castiel to his car, hand wrapped around his hip.

                                                                                 --

Jess turned to Sam, "I had a great time tonight Sam."  He smiled down at her and nodded, "Yeah, so did I."  

  
Jess walked over to the kitchen, "I am going to do the dishes, you sit and stay here." She offered.

"No, I will, sit down." He shook his head as she propped her hands on her hip.

"Samuel Winchester," she gave him a pointed look, "you cooked all day, presented your guests with a lovely meal, now sit your damn ass down and let me clean up!" He swallowed hard and looked at her as nervousness settled in.

"Oh, ugh, okay."  Jess nodded happily and skipped towards the kitchen. Sam sat down on the couch quietly. He couldn't help but smile to himself after she left, she was too perfect for words. He knew it was too soon but he could already see her as his wife. I guess Sam Winchester had finally experienced love at first sight.

Jess began rinsing off the dishes while singing her favorite song at the moment. Sam heard the faint sound of her voice, focusing on the sound. She had such a beautiful voice. He got up from the couch making his way over to the door quietly. He leaned his head against the door to hear her better. 

 _"Lookin' in your eyes I see a paradise. This world that I found, is too good to be true."_ He closed his eyes taking in her sweet voice, if Dean where here he would go on a rant about how much Jefferson Starship's sucks.  
  
 _"Standin' here beside you, want so much to give you. This love in my heart, that I'm feelin' for you"_ she stopped singing and popped the dishes in his dish-washer. She walked towards he door and Sam ran away , hopping onto the couch. She opened the door just as he sat down, looking at him suspiciously "All done." She smirked walking towards him, "Now what?" she asked as she sat down next to him. "We could watch a movie." Sam suggested. "That sounds great, you pick." 

Sam looked through the channels slowly, "Sixteen Candles good?" He asked looking over at her, "Are you really up for a chick-flick?" She asked raising an eyebrow at him.

"Hell yeah, are you?" He asked giggling, dimples sinking deep into his cheeks.

"Oh I totally am." She chuckled kissing him on the cheek. He turned and looked into her beautiful blue eyes, as he bit his bottom lip. She returned the gaze focusing on his hazel eyes. "You have stunnin' eyes." She said quietly.

 "Are you kidding me?" He said in total shock, "Your eyes are freaking out of this world!" he chuckled softly.  
  
Jess bit her bottom lip causing it to become pink and plump."You really think so?" Sam couldn't stop staring at her lips as she spoke, he wanted to kiss her so damn bad.

"Yeah I do." he hushed moving closer to her. He wanted to make a move but like always he was to damn nervous, she waited patiently for him to do something but when he didn't she decided to take manner into her own hands  
  
"Oh fuck it." Jess smirked, he raised his eyebrows in shock with her choice of words but relaxed once he felt her pull him in, kissing him softly on the lips. He placed his arms on her hips while she wrapped hers around his neck kissing him passionately. He parted his lips slightly and their tongues met, she ran her hand up the back of his scalp and he lifted her small body up so that she was sitting on his lap. She giggled slightly feeling his strong arms around her lifting her up as if she were a small rag-doll.  

She pulled away, "Sam?" She looked up at him through her long doll-like lashes, "I thought this wasn't suppose to be a date." She teased, running her thumb across his bottom lip.

He chuckled happily "I guess I tricked you after all." he joked.

She looked down blushing rose-red "Good, I kind of hoped it would be one, I like you Sam."

He raised his hand and moved a curl from her face, "Good. Because I like you too."

  _\--_

"Are you excited?" Dean asked standing in the doorway, as Castiel looked up at him from the bed sleepily.

"Yeah, so excited" he breathed as he got up from his bed slowly.  He wobbled a bit almost falling as he hit his night stand, "Shit." he  muttered.

The other ran to his side propping him up. "Cas, are you okay?"

He swayed in his arms trying to gain his balance, "Just dizzy." he smiled weakly.

Dean walked him slowly to the couch, sitting him down carefully, "We can stay home tonight if you want." he said running his finger's through his messy brown hair.

"No, I'm fine, really." He lied smiling up at his friend. "Plus your brother already booked our room."

He let out a deep sigh and sat down next to him, he knew something was up, he didn't look to well at all. The bags under his eyes were darker and he had become so frail the last couple of days, it was unsettling.

 "Cas, what's going on, talk to me." he pleaded, "Something's off about you lately, you're always sick, and you look like you are withering away." Castiel bit the inside of his cheek ,fuck, I have to tell him.  "There is something you're not telling me Cas. You know you can tell me right?" He asked looking into his ocean-blue eyes, while he thumbed the back of his hand.

Castiel took a deep breath, his palms began to sweat, he was biting his cheek so vigorously he drew blood. "You're right, there is something I need to tell you." He said squeezing his lover's hand.

Dean sat up more straight than he was before, "Well, what is it?"  

Castiel took a deep breath, well here goes nothing. "I have cancer." Dean looked at him for a while, not saying anything, _'Did I just hear that correctly?'_   he asked himself, "What?" the blonde male asked blinking rapidly, "I have cancer, and I am dying Dean." He could feel his heart drop, rushing to the pit of his stomach, chest aching with anxiety as his throat closed and water surfaced in his eyes.

"You're lying." He said getting up from the couch, cupping his mouth eyes searching violently all over the other's face for any sign of it being a joke. Castiel closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, "No, no, you're lying right? This is a joke, right?" Dean said as tears spilled over the edges of his bottom lid, "Castiel, angel, please." Dean said dropping to his knee's in front of him, hiding his face behind his hands.  

"Dean." he said voice cracking around his name as tears ran down his slim face.

"Cas, please." He looked up from him from his hands, green eyes red from the salty tears, body trembling violently as nausea settled in his stomach. "Fuck, I'm going to be sick." 

Castiel moved forward cupping the other's face between his hands, "Baby please, don't cry." He choked out as the other pushed his hands away.

"There is hope, my brother is a doctor he can help you." he said suddenly jumping up from the floor, making his way to the phone.

"Dean stop." He said getting up from the couch following after him but he had already grabbed the phone, "Your brother is my doctor."

Dean dropped the phone, it sprung on the cord slamming against the wall as it hung, dial sound blaring. "What?"  he said eyes full of shock and pain. "Now I really am going to puke."

"Sam didn't know, and I was to afraid too tell you."  

Dean walked away from him, hands balled into fists, "How long did you know he was my brother?" He shouted turning back around to face him.

Castiel swallowed hard noticing the red hue heating up the other's face. "Almost the whole time."

 Dean rubbed his face, "Almost the whole time..." He repeated quietly to himself trying to calm his heart down, body shaking with anxiety. "Why didn't you tell me Cas?" He raised his hand to his mouth and gagged slightly, "Hold that thought." He sobbed angrily as he took off for the bathroom, running down the hall. He didn't even have time to close the door as he dropped to his knees opening the lid as he heaved into the white porcelain bowl. His body shook all over as sweat began to bead on the surface of his skin. Castiel walked slowly towards the bathroom, he leaned against the door frame looking down at Dean sadly. "Dean?" he said quietly .

"Cas get out of here,  I don't want you to see me like this." he said bitterly as another wave hit him; gagging into the toilet.

"Dean it's okay, I am use to this." He said as he walked in sitting besides him and rubbing his back, which was already damp with sweat.  He could feel the muscles in Dean's back shake under his skin. "Cas please." He begged as he coughed up bile into the toilet bowl, but he stayed.

Dean propped himself up, arms resting on the sides as he waited for another wave to come but it hadn't so he flushed the toilet and sat up straight, still feeling waves of sickness. "Goddammit I should be taking care of you, not the other way around." He hissed

"Why are you sick?" He asked concern showing in his blue eyes as he rubbed Dean's back.

"Anxiety attack, had em' since I was a kid." Dean sighed, "I always end up throwing up, I'm sorry." Castiel nodded as Dean got back up, he rinsed his mouth out with water and wet his face, "So why didn't you tell me?" he said in a harsher tone than he mean't. 

Castiel got up and touched Dean's back, but he wiggled away from him angrily, turning to face the brunette, "Tell me why!" he said as his eyes began filling back up with tears. Goddammit did Castiel hate seeing him cry.

Castiel began to sob, because of the tears forming in his lover's eyes "I was scared okay!" He shouted, "I was fucking afraid I was going to lose you, again!" He walked over to Dean, head spinning with dizziness, "I have liked you since the day I saw you back in high school Dean,  you never noticed me and there you were three nights after seeing each other at the club, wanting me, needing me!" Dean furrowed his brows looking down at him as he stopped in front of him.

 "You are making me happy Dean, and I know I am making you happy too!" the other's bottom lip began to shake; tears raining from his green eyes. "I want you Dean, I only want you!" He took a deep breath looking at his sobbing friend behind his tears which was blurring his vision. "But If you don't want to be with me, then walk out the door," Dean's heart jumped at the words as he shook his head "leave now while the both of us can still get over it. Or stay with me through this and be my goddamn boyfriend!"

Dean lunged forward, pulling the frail man into his arms, hugging him tight as they both sobbed into each other's shoulders, soaking their shirts. "I ain't going to leave you just because you're sick, I want you too."   Castiel's voice broke between the tears, soft whines escaped his mouth, "Shh, shh, my angel." Dean hushed, "I'm not going anywhere." his voice cracked as he kissed the top of his head. Castiel held him tight, wrapping his small arms around the other's waist. Dean rubbed Castiel's back slowly, massaging the dip in the center softly adding more pressure as he made his way down just above his ass.

"Do you still want to go? Castiel hiccuped against the blondes chest.

"Yes, do you?" He asked softly kissing his head once more.

 "Of course." He smiled against his pectoral muscle as he began to rub Dean's back.

"Good." Dean hushed "Sam wants us to meet Jess and him at Deb's this afternoon, is there anything you need before then? " He asked kissing Castiel's forehead when he looked up at him.  "I can go make a few trips if you need anything." He smiled sweetly.

"No, I am fine." The brunette smirked as he stood on his tip toes to kiss Dean's lip softly. "Thank you though."

                                                                            --

The spend the rest of the morning together cuddling on Castiel's couch after Dean had made the two of them breakfast and tea. He had never had tea before and according to Castiel his reaction was priceless. It was nearing noon and the brunette got up off the couch, turning to the other, "I am going to take a shower, would you like to join me?"

Dean's eyes widened in shock, he had never had a shower with anyone, let alone get so close an intimate. "Yeah, sure." He smiled standing up and following Castiel to the bathroom.

 Castiel  turned the water on and began taking off his clothes. Dean looked away as he undressed and began taking his own clothes off. "Dean?" He looked down at his feet, still in his boxers, "Look at me, I want you to look at me." he hushed, so he did, he slowly looked up at him, scanning his eyes over his thin pale body.

He couldn't believe what he was seeing, he was so much smaller than he thought, you could see every one of his bones popping out from his skin. "Disgusting isn't it?" he shook his head and walked over to the brunette taking him in his arms, "You are far from being disgusting." he kissed his shoulder, "Never think that of yourself." 

Castiel nodded and pulled away to let him finish undressing as he turned the water on, keeping the water cool, it was so damn hot out today. He slowly slipped into the shower, putting his hand out to the other, he took his hand and got in. Castiel closing the glass door behind him. The water was cool and refreshing, and having his boyfriend besides him made it even better.  He put his hands on the hips of the pale boy eagerly as he leaned in to kiss him. He recuperated the kiss, wrapping his arms around the taller boys neck. 

Dean pulled away looking down at him, into his blue eyes, "You're perfect." He kissed the side of his cheek, "You're strong." He trailed his lips down to his jaw, "You'll beat this."

Castiel could feel tears form in his eyes and run down his face. "I want you." He kissed his neck, "I'll always want you." He moved down his neck slowly to his shoulder, "I'll never stop wanting you." He kissed his shoulder before he looked back at his face kissing his lips softly before turning him around.

"I'm going to take care of you angel." He said squeezing a drop of shampoo into his palm before applying it to the other's hair, "I'll take real good care of you." he placed his left hand on his hip steadying Castiel as he washed his hair slowly, massaging his scalp. His boyfriend sighed happily into his touch, feeling his warm hand rub his scalp making his head ache fade away.

Dean slowly turned him back around and propped his boyfriends hands on his shoulder as he rinsed the soapy bubbles from his hair carefully. He washed his own hair as he kept him propped up against him, before moving to body soap to wash both of their bodies. He worked the soap over his arms and shoulder's over his back rubbing it gently into his pale skin. He washed his chest and slowly got onto his knee's massaging the soapy gel onto his thin legs. He stood under the water, rinsing the soap off of his body carefully."I can do this myself Dean."

Dean looked up at him from his knee's "I know, but I want to do it for you, that's what I am here for."

The brunette shook his head, "Stand up." and so he did, "You are my boyfriend, not my care taker." He smirked, and the other hung his head, "Who said I can't be both?" He chuckled. 

Castiel smiled at him, "I couldn't ask that of you."  
  
"You're not," He said running his hands through his dark brown hair, "I'm doing it because I want to." 

Castiel smiled and kissed Dean softly, "You are amazing."  
  
                                                                                             --

 Sam and Jess were already waiting outside when Dean and Castiel arrived. The looked so goddamn cute together, Sam was so much taller than she was and she had a huge smile on her face. She ran up to the couple and hugged them both. Sam and Dean exchanged looks of acknowledgement to which Sam mouthed 'Thank you.' to Castiel. Castiel made his way over to him and hugged the younger Winchester, "I set up an appointment last night." He nodded "Good, come on, let's eat." he smiled at him. Sam walked in with Cas while Dean stood outside with Jess smoking a cigarette.  
  
"That's a nasty habit Dean." she said giving him a pointed look.  
  
"I know, I know." He sighed taking another drag. "Just trying to take the edge off."  
  
"Sam told me about Castiel." She frowned, "That's a shame, lung cancer is hard to treat."  
  
Dean looked over at her, flicking the ash onto the ground before he wrapped his lips back around the orange filter, he inhaled the tobacco, holding it in a few seconds before letting it out, "Lung cancer?"  
  
"Yeah, he told you, right?" She said eyes widening in fear that he didn't know about Castiel's cancer.  
  
"Yeah, just not what kind it was." He threw the cigarette to the ground, "I kinda feel like an asshole for smoking so much around him now."  
  
Jess chuckled, "Good you should, or else you'll be boarding that ship with him."  
  
Dean rolled his eyes, "I guess I should quit then huh?"  
  
"Yeah, you should." She frowned watching Dean walk over to the trash and throw the pack away, "Out with the old, in with the new." she called out to him  
 

                                                                                   -- 

Lunch went well, they all ate happily and kicked back a beer before they headed over to Dean's impala. Castiel sat in the front seat next to him while Jess and Sam took the back.  "How in the world did you get such a nice car?" she asked him while he started the car, "My old man gave it to me when I got my license." Jessica nodded and looked over to Sam who was frowning at Dean.

  
"New York here we come." Dean smirked as he revved the engine and pulled out of the diner's parking lot. Castiel squeezed his thigh before he leaned onto his side he was small enough to lay down on the front seat. His boyfriend looked down at him, "You alright angel?" 

  
"Yeah, I'm fine, just sleepy." He smiled taking his glasses off and closing his eyes, "Alright baby, rest your eyes and I will wake you when we get there." Castiel nodded sleepily.

 

 

 

 Fireworks cracked across the dark sky, illuminating the field they had laid a blanket on. Castiel rested his head on Dean's lap looking up at the sky, huge grin on his face as the bright colors reflected off of his glasses. Sam and Jess were cuddled up to each other kissing, barely paying attention to the sky.  Dean looked down at Castiel moving his hair from his forehead, their eyes met and he smiled down at him, it was great seeing him so happy, he never wanted this night to end. Castiel lifted his hand up cupping his lover's face before he looked back to the sky, Dean following his gaze. Every light that flashed into the sky shook the earth as the loud boom and crackle sat in their chests. Dean took his boyfriends hand and kissed it softly before he began to rub his palm gently. 

  
The sky flashed with light as smoke filled the field they were being set off in, the brunette had only seen fire works on the television set when he was a kid and even then it was in black and white. This was his first time experiencing the loud noise and colorful glow of the sky-flowers. The speed began to take off and he could really feel the loud booms deep in his chest as one went off one after another, everyone was screaming and cheering. Castiel sat up happily looking up at the sky smiling so wide Dean swore his lover's face would get stuck that way. He wrapped his arms around him and kissed his shoulder, "You have no idea how happy it's making me to see you like this." he whispered into his skin.  He knew Castiel could not hear him but he didn't mind, as long as he had the chance to tell him.  

The sky went dark and the crowd of one hundred plus people began whistling and screaming, "Wow Dean, that.." He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, "was so beautiful." he felt his lover chuckle against his back, chest shaking with laughter. "What?" He smirked taking his hands from his waist and kissing them, "Nothing " he said as he kissed the back of Castiel's neck, "You're just so damn cute."  He felt his boyfriend smirk against the back of his hand.   
  
"Come on you two love birds, we gotta beat the crowd." Jess called out to them.

The blonde male sighed and got up while lifting Cas up with him, cupping him under his arms. "Get on my back." He said crouching down, back towards him, "Not a chance Dean."

Dean sighed, "Get on!" He giggled. "Fine." He said jumping up, wrapping his legs around his waist. He stood up straighter while Sam picked up the blanket. Jess smiled at the two listening to them giggle as Dean ran ahead of them with the small brunette latched onto his back.  She noticed a bunch of people shooting them looks of disgust,hoping they didn't notice the faces.

 "I don't understand why people got such a problem with gays." She sighed walking side by side with Sam. "They ain't hurtin' anyone." She said in her sweet southern accent.

"I know Jess." He sighed watching Dean hunch over laughing once Castiel got off of his back at the Impala.

"But why, I just don't get it Sam."

Two men began to approach Dean and Castiel one was holding a baseball-bat, the younger brother's eyes widened and she looked forward following his eyes. The bigger male tapped Dean on his shoulder and he turned around. Sam dropped the blanket and ran full speed at the two and Jess followed after him. The bat struck Dean on the side of the head while the other went after Castiel.

"Dean!" he yelled as his brother sat on the ground rubbing his head. He staggered as he got up and the man hit the side of his car with the baseball-bat. Dean grabbed it from his hand and threw to to the ground.

"Dean!" Castiel whimpered as the other male approached him.

"You lay a hand on him and I'll kill ya!" Dean shouted. Sam reached the two and pulled Castiel away from the man, pushing him behind him, "Get out of here, both of you!"    
  
"What are you going to do about it Moose." The man hushed in a thick Scottish accent.   
  
"I'll kick your goddamn ass!" He shouted

"Oh Moose, when you talk like that you make my funny bits all tingly." He sighed walking forward, "We mean't no harm."  
  
"Then why did that male just crack my brother in the side of the head?" he said giving him his famous bitch face.

"Who squirrel over there?" He turned around to the other male, "Lucifer, get away from that guy." Dean stood in front him veins popping out ready for a fight. "Look, we don't like gays we didn't want to hurt them, just, give them a warning."

"What did they ever do to you?" Jess chimed in walking next to Sam.  
  
"And who may we have here?" He smiled slyly, "Hello kitten."  Jess stuck her tongue out at him, "Tisk tisk sweet-heart, better put that away before I slice it off." He said  flicking open his pocket knife.  
  
She pulled on Sam's arm, "Come on, let's get out of here." Sam nodded at her and kept Castiel close to him,

Dean rushed over to his boyfriend and put his arms on his face, "Angel, are you okay?"

He nodded and frowned looking at the blood that was on the side of the freckled boys head, "Dean, you are bleeding."

Dean closed his eyes, "I know, let's go to the hotel now."

Sam got in the drivers seat and she hopped in next to him. Dean laid down in the back and rested his head on Castiel's shoulder. He watched the two men fade away as they pulled out of the parking spot, heading towards the hotel.  
  
                                                                                               --

 Castiel sat on the bed next to Dean as his brother wiped the blood from the side of his face, he examined the wound, it wasn't deep enough for stitches so he was relieved. "Are you dizzy at all?" Dean shook his head, "Good."

Castiel rubbed the other's back, Jess handed him a glass of hard liqueur, "Thanks." He said taking the glass; biting out in pain when his brother dabbed the wound with antiseptic ointment. "We should of called the cops." Jess sighed.

The older Winchester looked at her, "And what tell them a poor little gay boy got hit with a baseball-bat? No way."

She frowned at him, "They would've of arrested him or somethin'."  She said crossing her arms.

"Are you kidding me? No they wouldn't have! They would of laughed in our faces. If I were straight, that would be a whole other story." Dean argued

"Then what the hell are we suppose to do when somethin' like this happens?" She said searching his face wildly.  
  
"Nothing Jess, absolutely nothing!" he shouted.

"Oh you got to be kiddin' me! You're tryin' to tell me if someone who is gay gets hurt or beaten they ain't gonna do a thing?"   
  
"Yeah Jess that is!" He barked at her.  
  
"That's a load of-"  
  
"Hey, shut up, the both of you!" Sam blurted out, causing all three of them look at him in shock, "Jess they won't do anything now I get what you're trying to say but nothing is going to change." He turned to his brother, "And Dean be a little more careful next time when you're out in public with him." Dean stood up and puffed his chest out to his brother, "What are you trying to say, act a little more straight and less gay?"  
  
"Yeah Dean, that is what I am saying!" He rubbed his forehead "I don't want to see either of you end up dead!"  
  
"It's too late for that." Castiel whispered and the two brother's looked at him. He hung his head wishing he didn't say that.

"Sam sighed "It's late, I'm going to sleep." Jess nodded and followed Sam, "Goodnight." She whispered giving the two an apologetic before she shut the door. 

Dean tuned to him searching his face for an answer, "Why would you say that?" his boyfriend shrugged as the freckled boy pulled him into a hug, the brunette began crying into his arms, "Don't cry, please don't cry, I want you to be happy, like earlier."  
  
Castiel pulled away from him, "Dean, I am happy." He knit his brow together in confusion, "Then why are you crying?"  
  
"These are tears of happiness." his boyfriend caressed the side of his thin face, "Cas, I'm confused."  
  
"I saw you throw them out." he took a deep breath and wiped his eyes, "I saw you throw away your cigarettes, I am proud of you Dean." He could feel his bright green eyes filling up with tears, "You saw that" the blue eyed boy nodded, "That's something I could never do, not until it was to late." He said sadly "So I am proud of you."

Dean hugged him and kissed the side of his face, "Goddammit Cas." he hushed Castiel held him tighter, "What are we going to do?" he said shaking in his arms.  
  
"I don't know Dean, we just have to stay strong, as long as we have each other, we can beat anything." the other pulled away and looked at him, "You think so?" and he nodded "I really do."

He kissed him passionately on the lips, god he was craving him all night. He ran his fingers up the back of his shirt and felt his skin become littered with goose-bumps as he moaned into the kiss. The blonde male felt the familiar heat flood downwards as he held Castiel tighter, pulling him up and onto his lap. Castiel felt the sudden rush of arousal as Dean took control like that,  "I want you." He said as a boost of confidence took over, trailing his lips across the soft skin of his neck, "Castiel, I want you." The brunette arched his back feeling his erection throb with sudden pleasure; neck kissing was always his weakness, along with the huskiness of Dean's deep voice.    
  
He trailed his hands across his pale chest with one hand as the other griped his hip.  His boyfriend wrapped his arms around the other's broad shoulder's as he began to rock back and fourth on his lap teasingly. Dean bit a small love bite into his neck, feeling himself become stiff, wanting him, needing him. Castiel let out a soft moan, God hearing Dean say that turned him on.   
  
Dean leaned forward putting Castiel on his back as he carefully climbed on-top of him, resting in-between his thighs. He pushed the shirt off of his body and began kissing from his chest and down to his torso as his boyfriend ran his fingers though the top of his dark blonde hair, panting heavily with each kiss he planted onto his skin. "Fuck" He moaned as the other un-did his pants pulling them off as he smoothed his tongue over his hipbone.

He palmed Castiel over his boxer's slowly, feeling his twitch against his hand when ever he hit the sweet-spot. "Fuck." he panted while Dean gently pulled down his boxer's gently tracing his tongue from the base of his hard-on up to the swollen glands on the head.

Castiel jerked his hips forward, whimpering under his touch, his boyfriend smirked and continued teasing the swollen head with his tongue, darting it in-between the slit as pre-cum dripped down his shaft. Castiel buried his hands into his hair, trembling under his touch as his breath quickening to the point where he's nearly hyperventilating. Hearing Castiel react like this could make him cum right on the spot. 

 Castiel sat up and pulled him up and flipping him over forcefully, "If you don't fuck me I am going to explode." he hissed as he pulled Deans shirt off, before fumbling with his belt, becoming frustrated when he couldn't undo the buckle.

Dean chuckled as Castiel face became beat red, he undid his belt and pants and slipped them off for his lover. He relaxed and got between Dean's legs as a predatory look flashed in his eyes; leaning in  kissing him deeply, hungrily, before moving along his throat.

He wrapped his palm around both of their pulsing erections and thrust  into his palm as he nipped at his lower lip. His body twitched and shivered beneath his lover's. Dean threw his head back as nervousness began to settle in, no one has been so close to him before, and made him shiver like this.

No one has touched him like this before, actually no one has ever touched him like this besides himself. He held his breath as Castiel moved, moaning against his neck, only to stop once he noticed Dean was holding his breath.  
  
"Are you okay?" He asked raising an eyebrow at him looking over the face of the other's whom looked completely wrecked and undone. He opened his eyes and looked up at him, "Yeah, it's just, I had so much confidence but now, " he shook his head embarrassed, feeling like such a dweeb "I'm nervous."  
  
Castiel smiled down at him, slowly palming their hard-on's, "We don't have to."   
  
Dean rolled his eyes, "Fuck Cas, I want to." He snapped, "I _really_ want to."  
  
"Then I'll take control, you just lay back and relax." Dean nodded as Castiel leaned over, grabbing his bag next to the bed.

He pulled out a small bottle of lube and squirted a drop the size of a quarter onto his finger tips. He continued rubbing Dean's cock slowly as he backed up a bit and placed his other hand in-between the other's legs, slowly circling his finger around the tight muscle. Dean's voice hitched as he looked into Castiel's eyes, heart jumping inside of his chest.

He had never felt a sensation like that before, and knowing Castiel was the one making him come undone only made the sensation more powerful as he teased the ring of muscle. "Castiel, please." He panted under the new sensation, wiggling and panting and moaning, reduced to nothing but a hot mess as he gripped his partner's hips.  He inserted a finger into his tight hole, he automatically tensed up with the feeling of a slight burn took over.

"Are you okay?" he asked and the other nodded, he slowly worked his finger inside of him, slowly adding a second finger, scissoring them in attempt to loosen him up, all while hitting his prostate. The feeling was sensational, like noting he had ever felt before, he felt like he was on the verge of climax and needing to pee at the same time. His legs began to shake as his body turned into jello beneath his boyfriend,   "Fuck me." he moaned.

Wanting to feel Castiel inside him, and hear the other moan all because of him "Now!" He demanded.

Castiel pulled out his fingers slowly and applied the lube to his hard cock, slowly rubbing it onto his swollen gland. He let out a small moan as he moved his hand over his dick. Seeing Castiel touch himself was enough to break him in two, cock throbbing with need. "Cas, please." He begged. Castiel looked down at him, smirking sinfully before he got back down, placing his cock against Dean's tight hole, teasing him mercifully. Dean whimpered and squirmed beneath him raising his hips up practically begging for it.  
  
Castiel slowly pushed into Dean slowly, becoming wrecked as the warmth of his tight muscle shook him to the core. Dean let out a small whimper, not because it hurt but because he was finally getting what he begged for, what he had been craving. His lover deep inside of his tight ass while he rides out in ecstasy.

Castiel moved inside of him gently, careful not to hurt him considering it was his first time. With each shallow thrust he hit his prostate perfectly with the throbbing head of his cock. Dean arched his back as the new unfamiliar wave of pleasure that chilled his body to it's core, "Fuck" he moaned as heat fled downwards as Castiel moved inside of him all while palming his cock. His face became flush and pink as he was nearing climax "Faster." he groaned.

Castiel felt chills run down his spine as sweat dampened his skin, he fucked him harder and deeper and Dean could feel himself reach climax as he moved his cock inside of him gently rubbing against his swollen g-spot, sliding his hand over the head perfectly in sync every time he hit his prostate. Castiel could feel his thighs shake against his waist as he worked him over, kissing his deeply. 

 Castiel pulled away and looked into his eyes, his boyfriend was coming undone under him as he too was nearing his own orgasm, their faces were red, noses pink was pleasure took over their bodies. They moved together perfectly in sync, Dean wrapping his arms around his lover's body, biting his nails into his soft skin, the phenomenal sensation was enough to make him go rigid as he dug his  fingers into his hip, throwing his head back,  mouth opening in a stuttering moan as the white hot release rushed over his freckled stomach.

Seeing Dean completely wrecked like this was enough to cause him to become tense as he climaxed along with his boyfriend, spilling his hot sticky release into his tight hole. They both tensed up and stayed still for just a second or so. Then Dean's entire body seems to relax, and he softened against the sheets. Castiel kissed his mouth softly as he too began to relax, rolling off of Dean, lying on the bed besides him, panting as sweat beaded down the sides of his face. 

"Shit." Dean breathed, "Did I really wait twenty-five years without experiencing this?" Castiel rolled over, chuckling at Dean as he pulled a tissue from a box that sat on the nightstand and wiped down his boyfriends chest and stomach."I am happy It was with you though, you were worth the wait." He smirked as he pulled Castiel close to him, kissing his forehead, "Next time, it's my turn to destroy you."  

Castiel kissed his cheek, "I can't wait."

  --

Dean turned off the bedside light and crawled under the cover's of the queen sized bed, moments of silence passed before either of them said a word, "Dean?"

"Yes angel?" He asked turning to face him, "I'm scared." he whispered, and his boyfriend wrapped him up into his arms, "Of what?" he asked. "Getting sicker than I already am, I don't want you to see me like that."  
Dean rubbed the other's side, "Why would you say that?"

"Because I have watched time after time again as the cancer patients lover got sicker, losing their hair, becoming so thin they resembled a walking skeleton, their partner withered away with them. They would appear looking sadder, and more tired than they did in the beginning of the treatment, like all the hope and love in the world had died away while watching their loved one dying from their illness. They would start becoming thinner just like them, hair turning grey and dull, wrinkles forming onto their once young appearance as if the cancer their significant other had, has been draining the life out of them too. I can't do that to anyone, I can't do that to you."

"Cas, don't worry about me, worry about yourself. That may have been what you saw but it was their choice to stay by their side, and it's my choice to stay by yours." He sighed kissing his cheek, "I'm not going to leave you, you won't hurt me, not unless you give up, are you going to give up?"  
|  
  
"No, of course not, I am just afraid when you see me sick you will no longer want me." he said honestly.  
  
Dean rolled over so that he was on top of Castiel. Dean kissed the side of Castiel’s neck, “I’ll want you even when you’re puking your guts out in the toilet.” He trailed his lips to his collar, “I’ll want you even when your hair grows white and your body becomes weak.” He sucked and kissed a bruise onto his small chest. “I’ll want you even when you’re bed ridden in the hospital.” He kissed back up to his mouth, “I want you, all of you, and I’m not going to leave you here like this.” Castiel could feel tears dripping off of his lover's eyelashes, "I am here to stay, forever." Castiels' body quivered as tears fought to spill over, "I have a secret." Dean hushed, "When ever I say I want you, what I actually mean is I love you."

Castiel wrapped his arms around him, holding him tight against his chest as he heaved, tears spilling over violently, "Dean." his voice shook, "I love you too." 

 


	11. Trouble In Paradise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 5 years later, the treatments went fine, and Cas cancer is gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what happened in the past 5 year will be explained in flashbacks, don't worry.

1989

 

"So when will I meet your Dad?" He asked hanging up one of the Chinese lanterns shaped as a jack-o-lantern as the radio blasted Unchained Melody, his favorite song by Elvis, listening to Dean hum along to the lyrics filled him with happiness.  
  
"Cas not now." Dean sighed hanging a lantern up next to his boyfriends.

"Come on, it's been what, five years?" He protested. Dean climbed down from the latter, "Cas, he ain't someone you would want to meet."  Castiel followed him down onto the floor.  
  
"Why not? I am sure he's not /that/ bad." He smiled reassuringly.  
  
"No Cas he's worse." He sighed, "He use to beat me, pretty bad. He-he's a real hard ass." He shook his head, "Not very fond of having a gay son either."   
  
Castiel nodded, "Okay, then I won't meet him." Dean leaned in kissing him on the forehead, as he swayed Castiel back and fourth to the music. "I love you Angel." He hummed in the tune of the music. "Ya know, I never liked this kind of crap, not until I met you." he hushed taking Castiel's hand in his while he wrapped his arm around his waist, holding the small of his back.   
  
Castiel giggled, swaying to the music with his boyfriend, "And I never liked Classic Rock, until I met you." he hushed, nearly losing his breath when Dean bent him back, kissing him delicately.

"I have to go babe, I'll be back, going to get some drinks for the party." He said putting him upright again, and with that he grabbed his keys and walked out the door leaving Castiel standing in the living room, a confused yet happy mess.

 

```````````

Castiel was in the living room setting up decorations when the front door flew open, he closed his eyes smiling when he heard the door open, "So happy you're already home babe, I thought we could have some fun before the party." he called out.

"Dean!" John called, angry and frustrated at the voice who called out to him.  He stopped walking when he saw Castiel up on the latter, facing him, cheeks bright red with embarrassment. "Who are you?" He asked glaring up at him.

Castiel climbed down the latter and put out his hand, "Castiel Novak, I presume you're his father?"  He asked in a shaky tone. John nodded, "Yeah, where the hell is that boy? He wasn't the one you were calling out to, right?"  He asked glaring at him.  
  
"He went out, picking up some liqueur. We're having a party." he said avoiding the question, smoothing out his sweater vest while his hands shook, an angry father staring down at him. John crossed his arms, "We're?" He repeated, "What do you live here with my son?" He asked sternly "W-well yeah, I-I live here with Dean." He said taking a step back from John, shaking with fear. John looked around the apartment, noticing one bedroom.  "Where do you sleep? There is one bedroom." He asked sternly. 

His face became red with anger, "Are you two screwing each other!?" he shouted poking his chest hard, he backed away from John "N-no I am Deans boyfriend." He said furrowing his brow, heart speeding up once he realized how stupid he was for saying that.  

``

The front door opened and the gentile sounds of Dean's voice flooded the apartment, John was about to say something to Castiel until he heard his son's voice

 _"I want your love, let’s break the wall between us. Don’t make it tough, I’ll put away my pride, Enough’s enough, I’ve suffered and I’ve seen the light."_ He sang perfectly in tune while he held the brown bag of beverages, practically dropping them when he saw his father standing in-front of Castiel. "D-dad?"   
  
"When were you going to tell me you're a queer?" He hissed turning around. He stumbled back and placed the bag on a side table. "I-I'm not g-gay, C-Cas is my friend." He stuttered, bottom lip shaking. Castiel's eyes filled up with fear, watching his boyfriend start to cower in the corner away from his father.  
  
"That's not what Castiel says." He furrowed his brow in confusion, "He told me  he was your boyfriend." He said tapping his chin, "Is that true? He's your, boyfriend?" Dean's eyes widened "N-no." He stuttered, shaking all over as his stomach twisted and turned, nausea settling into his bones as he looked over at Castiel, "I'm sorry Dean, I didn't know." He sobbed

  
John grabbed Dean by his jacket pushing him against the wall "God don't like queers, neither did your mother!" He hissed, "Neither do I." Dean could feel his knees buckling from beneath him.  "If she were to see you right now, she'd spit in your disgusting face!" He yelled, tightening his grip onto his leather jacket. Dean tried pushing him away but he couldn't he wasn't strong enough.   
  
"You're l-lying, mom would never hate me." He barked back trying to get away from his father's grip.    
  
"Get away from him you goddamn homophobic asshole!" Castiel yelled walking towards him, "Get the fuck away from him!"  
  
"N-no Cas don't" was all he heard before he took a blow to the side of his head, causing him to go limp and hit the floor looking up at John scared out of his mind, blood trickling down where Dean's fathers ring his him. He watched John turn to Dean and punch him in the face several times, splitting his lip and bloodying his nose. "Clean up your act!" He yelled, "Get straight or do me a favor and kill yourself!" he shouted leaving Dean a bloody mess on the ground in a fetal position. His father grabbed a bottle out of the bag and slammed the front door behind him.

 Neither Castiel or Dean said a word to each other, they sat on the floor where John left them starring at one another for five minutes,  what seemed like hours. 

Sam and Jess walked into the apartment holding groceries, Sam noticed Dean's bloody face and rushed over to him, "Dean! What happened?"  he asked kneeling in-front of is brother, cupping his face, "Dad happened." the elder Winchester spit out, while Jess made her way over to Castiel, placing the grocery's down.

"What the hell was he doing here?" He asked helping his shaking brother to his feet, "He-he found out, D-dad found out." He stuttered wobbling to his feet.  
  
"This is all my fault." Castiel said under his breath to Jessica as he helped him to his feet.  
  
Sam looked at Cas, "What happened?"  
  
"He barged into the apartment while I was setting up directions, I thought it was Dean so I called out to him in a /very/ friendly manner, only to turn around and seeing this strange man that kind of resembled you and Dean." He sighed, "He asked where Dean was and started jabbing me with questions, and well I got nervous and I wasn't thinking and said I was Dean's boyfriend."

"Yeah thanks for that!" Dean hissed bitterly. "Dean I didn't know.."  
  
Sam handed him a towel "The hell you didn't!" He said holding a wet towel to his nose, "I told you he wasn't queer friendly and you up and tell him I-!!!" Sam cut him off, "Dean!" he yelled. "No Sam! Shut up! " he barked, "Dad beat me, severely up until I moved out because he knew I was gay, and no matter how hard I tried proving it to him that I was 'straight' he would't stop." He took a deep breath, "And up until I was twenty he didn't believe me, but I got him to, and it worked! Everything was fine up until now, thanks to Cas!"  
  
"Dean I'm sorry." Castiel whined as Jess held a cloth to his head, which was semi bleeding.  
  
"Cas you fucked it up, you fucked everything up!"    
  
Castiel rolled his eyes, "He was bound to find out sometime." He said under his breath. Dean shot him a look, walking over to him, "What?" He asked  
  
"If you're dad can barge in here while I am home, imagine him coming in while I am fucking you!" He hissed, getting annoyed with Dean's temper. He knew he fucked up, but he didn't need to be ridiculed for it, Dean wasn't the only victim here. 

"Fuck you Cas!" He shouted, "Fuck you!"  
  
"Yeah well fuck you too!" He yelled back.   
  
The two were standing inches away from each-other, screaming into the other's face.   
  
"You're a real piece of shit Cas."  
  
"Yeah and you're a coward, can't even stand up to Daddy." He hissed.  
  
"You're a fucking dick, why don't you leave and go back home to your parents!" he placed his finger on his lip, "Oh wait they're dead!"  
  
Castiel could feel hate bubbling up inside of him as tears trickled to the surface. "That's not fair!" He yelled, "You have no right!"  
  
"Oh boo hoo, sorry I hurt your precious feelings Angel!" He yelled.  
  
Sam pulled Dean away from Castiel.  
  
"I hate you, I hate you, you ruined my life you goddamn asshole, I wish-"  
  
"You wish what!?" Cas yelled stepping forward, "Say it!" he screamed tears running from his eyes, "Say it you coward!"  
  
"I wish you died!" He yelled.  
  
Sam pushed Dean to the ground, "You stupid selfish asshole!" he yelled at him, turning to Castiel. Castiel stormed from the room and into Dean's bedroom, packing his bags quickly. "Cas. Dean didn't mean it! He's just angry."  
  
He whipped the tears from his face, "Yeah he did, he meant it." He closed his suit case, "I'm leaving."  
  
Dean sat on the ground, Jess standing in shock as Castiel walked out of the bedroom, two suitcases in his hands, Sam following behind him.

"Good I'm glad you're leaving! And never come back, we're over! You hear!" He yelled, "Shut up Dean!" Jess and Sam yelled at the same time.  
  
Cas opened the door slamming it in front of Sam's face, who whipped it back open chasing after him to his car.  
  
"Cas please!" he chased behind him the best he could.

But it was too late Castiel was small and fast and had already gotten into his car. "I'm sorry Sam!" he yelled as he started it, speeding away from the small apartment, leaving everyone a confused mess.

 _________________________________________________________

He speed down the road, vision blurred behind his tears, blasting his favorite Elvis cassette tape.  
  
"Fuck him, fuck Dean Winchester, I should of left when I had the goddamn chance!" he screamed.

 _Oh, my love, my darling, I've hungered for your touch, a long lonely time. And time goes by, so slowly and time can do so much_.

"Fuck love, it doesn't exist!" He screamed over the music; he was speeding now.

_Are you, still mine? I need your love, I need your love. God speed your love to me_

He was sobbing uncontrollably, wiping his tears every few seconds, "I hate you Dean Winchester!" He lost control of the wheel, hitting a guard reel, causing his car to flip sending it over the side and down a banking. Surrounding cars hit their breaks, watching aimlessly as his car slid upside down into a tree.

_Lonely rivers flow to the sea, to the sea, to the waiting arms of the sea._

A few people got out of their cars, jumping over the reel and rushing down the hill to his car. Castiel hung upside down, uncautious, hands dropping down above his head.

_Lonely rivers cry, wait for me, wait for me, to the open arms, wait for me_

"Call 911!" A woman screamed as another ran towards the nearest gas station across from them. Sirens flooded in the background as they approached the accident.

_My love, my darling, I've hungered for your kiss. Are you still mine?_

 The ambulance workers rushed down, removing Castiel from his seat belt carefully, supporting his head as they put him on the stretcher, as another checked his vitals. "I found a pulse, he's alive." he shouted to the other who was placing his head in a neck brace.

The by stander's watched in shock, covering their mouths, they couldn't believe what they were seeing. They hoisted him up the hill and placed him in the back of the ambulance.  The sirens blared as they rushed him to the hospital.

_I need your love, I need your love, God, speed your love, to me_

 


	12. Wake Up

It happened so fast, one minute he was on the road and the next he felt his car flip, causing him to hit his head on the window, knocking him out as shards of glass stuck into his scalp. He hung upside down knocked out but cautious of the sounds around him. All he could hear were screams for help, sirens and Elvis. 

That was all he remembered before everything went black

They rushed him into the hospital as he clung on for life, his blood pressure was dropping fast.  
  
"Who's this? What's his situation." A doctor asked.  
  


The doctor nodded, "Prep him for surgery." Gabriel said calmly,  "Stat!"  He smirked walking away while sucking on a lollipop. Very unprofessional of him.

Castiel was prepped for surgery immediately where Gabriel performed it. It took several long hours and they discovered a brain tumor, which they carefully removed in the process of draining the swelling and finding the source of his internal bleeding.  
  
Castiel was moved to a private room where he had become stabilized.

\---- 

He woke up hearing his heart monitor, he heard the voices of people entering and leaving his room as a dull ache settled in the back of his skull. He struggled trying to open his eyes, to move, say something but he couldn't.

He was stuck.

"Help!" he screamed, "Somebody help me!"

A nurse looked at the monitor showing his heart rate was increasing in speed, "He's reacting." Tessa said calmly looking towards the other nurse.

"Castiel, honey, you're in the hospital." She said calmly, "You were in a car accident." His eye lids began to flutter, "Its okay,  can you try and open your eyes?" 

He couldn't, he couldn't fucking open his goddamn eyes no matter how hard he tried. 

"He's not strong enough yet." Nurse Tessa said "But he can hear everything we are saying, judging by his heart monitor, you better notify his doctor." The other nurse nodded and left the room with Tessa. 

  
\--------------------

  
"Dean wake up!" Sam shouted tapping his drunk brother on the shoulder, "Lea-me alone, Sammy!" he grumbled pushing his hands away, music from the party blasting in his ears. 

People were dancing and singing, and Dean was far to depressed to join them. He had just broken up with the man of his dreams, and for what? Because his father doesn't approve. It was a bullshit reason, and he knew it. He should of been here, he shouldn't have gone that low and say what he did. Of course he would never wish death on Castiel, he loved him. He was just so goddamn angry and was taking after his father again, letting the anger surface up to the top.

He hadn't gotten angry like that, not since he met Castiel, he was his saving grace, and he pushed him away, like he had with everyone else.  
  
"Dean get up, Cas is in the hospital."  His eyes shot open, heart racing with fear as his brain began sobering up as he processed what Sam was saying, "I have to go to the hospital, he got into a car accident."   
  
Dean stood up "Everyone out!" he yelled but no one heard him so he smashed the radio onto the ground out of anger, the music stopped to a halt.  "Everybody, OUT!" He yelled, the people stared at him for a while, "NOW!" he screamed and people began staggering out of the apartment.   
  
Questions swarmed his head, as he hit the couch, dizziness rocking him sick to his stomach.

  
"Is he okay?"   
  
"Is he alive?"  
  
"How did this happen?"  
  
"Is it my fault?"  
  
Sam rolled his eyes and sat Dean down, pressing his hands to his shoulder's, "I bet you feel really stupid about what you said earlier, huh?"  
  
Jess stood behind him, crossing her arms, trying to hold back her tears.

"Is he dead?" Dean whimpered, "God please tell me he's alive." He said looking up towards the ceiling, as Jess burst into tears.

"Yeah Dean, he's alive, but in critical condition." She replied.  
  
"Why did I say that to him?" He sobbed as Sam rubbed his shoulder's.  
  
"I have to go to the hospital, are you coming with?" He asked and Dean nodded.

  
__________________________________________

  
Dean hated hospitals, really hated them.  

He spend countless nights in them from the harsh beatings his dad put on him. He was never aloud to tell them what really happened, it was always the same lies, "I fell" , "I bumped my head.",  "I got into a fight in school." They never believed him and they wanted to press charges on his father but they had no proof of abuse, and the young boy was never wiling to confess.  
There was one night in particular that sat in the back of his mind.

(memory)  
  
"Dean!" his father called storming through the hall towards his bedroom, "What the hell is this?" He yelled holding up his report card.    
  
Dean rolled his eyes at him, "I flunked, big deal!" He shouted over the music he was blaring.  
  
"Big deal?" He hissed, "What are you too busy fucking boys to give a crap about school now" He yelled.  
  
"I'm not gay, how many times do I have to say it!" he yelled back.   
  
His father rushed over to him, pulling him up off of his bed before punching him square in the face, "I won't have a gay son!" he hissed between blows.  
  
Dean slumped to the ground, a bloody mess, "Dad, stop, please!" He pleaded hands up in defense when something hit him on the back of the head, causing him to flop to the ground, body seizing from the blow to his occipital bone.   
  
"Dad! Sam yelled, "What did you do!" He screamed pulling at his dads jacket as Dean twitched and foamed at the mouth on his bedroom floor. John stood there in shock before he grabbed Dean into his arms. He rushed out the front door, Sam close behind him, "Gotta bring him to the hospital."

  
(memory faded)

Memories flooding his brain as he sat down in one of the chairs, Jess brought him some coffee to try and sober him up a bit more while Sam left and went into the ER to gather information on his patients situation. 

 

 

 

 

"Jess, when will I learn how to keep my big mouth shut?" He asked rubbing his temple, holding the smoldering cup of coffee between his legs.   
  
Jess rubbed his back, not saying anything. She sat there with him, comforting him the best she could until Sam came back.  
  
"Alright, I pulled some strings so that you can see Cas." Dean stood up, "Now Dean, he’s in bad shape, I don’t think you understand how bad he is either, it’s not some little car accident."   
  
"What do you mean?" He asked thumbing the cup of coffee.  
  
"During the accident a tumor burst causing his brain to swell and hemorrhage." He sighed, "Which lead him into emergency surgery."   
  
"Okay." He said quietly, feeling his heart sink to the floor at his feet.  
  
"Now we are not sure if that tumor was cancerous or not."   
  
Dean furrowed his brow, “I thought the cancer was gone Sam!” He shouted.

"I thought it was too, but how it looks now it seems that it had spread elsewhere."  He placed his hand on Dean’s shoulder, "Regarding the accident, Cas isn't awake."  
  
"Okay then I’ll stay until he wakes up." He smiled trying to find hope in his words.

"Dean, they don’t know when he is going to wake up, he’s in a coma."  
  
Dean’s heart stopped, stomach flipping in circles as he hit the ground with a thud, “No, no, no!” he sobbed and Sam got down to his level, “He is responsive, and he can hear you. They are letting me send you in there in hopes of waking him up.” Dean wiped the tears from his eyes, “Is he going to be okay, Sammy tell me he will be okay.”  
  
"Dean, I-I don’t know, just go talk to him, okay? Just…..go talk to him."

"What do I say?" he asked, tears spilling over his bright green eyes.

"Talk to him, about anything." he closed his eyes, "Like I did when you were in a coma."

\--

Dean didn't go, not at first. Two days rolled around and he still couldn't bring himself to see him, but Sam begged and begged and begged, so finally, he went.

Dean stood in the doorway, his heart aching with fear. " _What do I say?"_ he thought, _"What do I do?"_

He cleared his throat,"Cas, Angel, I'm sorry." he said quietly making his way over to him, "I didn't mean what I said to you, and I know you wouldn't be here right now if I had kept my anger at bay." He wiped the tears that lingered on his lashes as he sat down, taking his hand. "I love you Angel, so much." He choked around the words. "I didn't mean it baby."  He squeezed his hand, "Please wake up, come back home to me." He sobbed, tears wrapping around his words as he choked on them. "I don't want you to die."

 Castiel lied there still, unresponsive, a white bandage was wrapped around his head and there were cleaned cuts on is face where the glass had shattered over it.

He was dying, and he knew it. He saw the light overhead, as a deep voice called out to him, "Castiel, Castiel, Castiel."

Dean pulled his hand to his lips, kissing it gently, "How about I sing to you, I-I could sing to you angel." He said clearing his throat. "I heard this song on the way home from Debs, I wouldn't admit it to you then, but, Cas baby, I was falling in love with you." He giggled, "It was so perfect, it-it fits you so perfect, I haven't been able to stop singing it since." He rubbed his hand, "I know how much you love music, so I thought I would sing it to you."  
  
 _"I'm alone, yeah, I don't know if I can face the night, I'm in tears and the cryin' that I do is for you. I want your love. Let's break the walls between us. Don't make it tough I'll put away my pride enough's enough, I've suffered and I've seen the light."_   He sang in key, tears rolling off of his cheeks.

He watched Castiel's face, eyelids fluttering as if they were trying to open.

_"Bayayby, you're my angel come and save me tonight. You're my angel, come and make it alright."_

He- he heard him, he could hear Dean's voice his heart began to slow down as he tried to wake up.

God it was so beautiful, his voice was so goddamn beautiful, he felt the warmth of his hand pressed to his chin, trying to focus all his energy to squeeze his hand back, letting Dean know he could hear him. But he couldn't do it.  
  
 _"Don't know what I'm gonna do about this feeling inside. Yes it's true, loneliness took me for a ride, without your love I'm nothing but a beggar, without your love a dog without a bone. What can I do? I'm sleepin' in this bed alone ."_

"Dean!" He shouted, "I can hear you!" he called, "I am okay, I'm coming back home to you!" His eyes began to flutter more violently as he fought to wake up.

_"Come and save me tonight. You're the reason I live. You're the reason I die. You're the reason I give when I break down and cry, don't need no reason why, baby, baby, bayayby."_

He knew this song, he knew it all too well, but he couldn't remember where he had heard it.

It clicked, it was the song Dean would always sing, when he drove, the song he sang when he was coming home from work. He remembers it, every lyric that wrapped around his boyfriend's vocal cords he knew.

Finally......it happened, he squeezed his hand. 

Dean choked out a loud sob, _"You're my angel, come and save me tonight. You're my angel, yeah, come and make it alright. You're my angel, come and save me tonight. You're my angel"_ He wiped his face, "That's it baby, wake up." He closed his eyes and kissed his hand, lips trembling against his warmth. " _Come and take me alright"._

"I'm coming Dean!" he shouted, running away from the light.

_"Come and take me alright."_

"I'm coming back home to you!" he called.

_"Come and take me alright"._

"Dean, I-I can see you, I can actually see you!"

_"Come and take me alright."_

Castiel was running faster, seeing Dean's silhouette standing at the end, smiling and waving at him. "I'm coming" he called.

_"Come and take me alright."_

Dean opened his eyes to the sound of gasps, Castiel ripped his arm from his grasp, sitting up, coughing and gasping on the hospital bed. Dean starred in shock, not knowing if he was awake or dreaming until Castiel turned to him and sang,

" _Come and take me alright."._

 


	13. Angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chapter has a flashback

1984

Dean and Cas were cuddling in bed,  it was an early January morning and the cool bitter air nipped at their skin as fresh snow fell covering the ground in a thick blanket. Their Christmas tree was still up in the living room, both of them were far to lazy to put it away yet. "Dean?"  He hushed breaking the silence.  
  
"Yeah baby?" he asked rubbing his boyfriend arm who was cuddled up against him like a small kitten.   
  
"I'm dying." He breathed, "And I haven't even done everything I wanted to yet." he said quietly as tears dripped down his pale skin.   
  
"Hey, don't talk like that, you ain't dying." Dean said reassuringly as he kissed the top of his boyfriend's head.  
  
"Okay, well I could die, and I haven't even done what I want to do yet." He argued.   
  
"Then let's make a list, everything you want to do and I'll make it happen." He rubbed his back, trailing his fingers along his prominent spine down to his hips.   
  
"Yeah, a list of things to do before a kick the bucket." He joked trying to lighten the mood, "A bucket list."   
  
Dean rolled over and pulled a pad and writing utensil from the draw in his night stand, "So, what's dream number one?" He asked.  
  
"I want to spend a month in France, see the Eiffel Tower."  He smiled against his boyfriends chest, as he wrote down the first of his list.

"What else? Keep going." He asked holding the pad and pencil up.

"I want to find my brother's and sisters." He hummed in thought, "I want to marry the man of my dreams. Even if it's not legal." He kissed his lover's chest.

"I want to go to Disney World." He laughed at how cliche' that was.

"Keep going." Dean smiled.  
  
"I don't have any idea's." He laughed. Dean kissed the top of his head again, "Sure you do, come on, think." he laughed with him.  
  
"I want to visit Elvis' grave." he giggled, "And, and, and, have lots of sex, yeah, a lot of it, everywhere too!" He laughed, "On the beach, in your car, everywhere." he laughed again, followed by his lover's laugh, perfectly in sync with his, "Also, I want to see an Elvis Presley impersonator!"

Dean smiled, looking down at him, he was so goddamn happy and he was loving it.    
  
Jesus Christ he loved that smile, the way his eyes crinkled and the cute but silly face he made when he was laughing. He loved him, he loved all of him.  He wished he stuck around in High School, so that then they could have met, and started life together as High School sweet hearts.  But that was the past and there's no use wasting wishes on it.   
  
The day went by smoothly, they copied the rough draft onto a better piece of paper, with neater hand writing, placing it in the small jewelry box Dean had, which was his mother's.

They finally took down that goddamn tree they had been putting off and plopped onto the couch watching re-runs of the Twilight Zone while sipping on hot-chocolate. Dean had wrapped a blanket around their shoulder's shielding them from the bitter air, no matter how many times he called his land-lord to fix the damn thing they still haven't fixed it.  But that's okay, he liked the cold better than the heat anyways, this way he could cuddle up with his beautiful boyfriend.

"If it mean's anything to you, if couples like us could get married, I'd do it in a heart beat." Dean kissed his cheek,  before taking another sip of cocoa.  
  
"Well knowing you'd marry me is good enough for me." he smirked resting his head on his boyfriend's shoulder. "I wish people would just get over it, ya know?"  
  
"Yeah I know, me too." He said wrapping his arm around the other's shoulder, gently running his fingers through the side of his messy brown hair.  
  
"I mean, they are just a bunch of hypocrites, if they want to follow that rule, how about follow them all." He laughed, "I mean, people are eating pork, drinking alcohol, raping people, adultery, sex before marriage. Why aren't those sins taken as seriously?" He asked. "Why are we the main focus?"  
  
Dean shrugged.  
  
"I mean, it's rape for God's sake, people get away with that all the time, that is far worse than homosexual relationships, which aren't even bad. We aren't hurting anyone, but the people who run around forcing men and women into sex are. And what do they get? Well half the time they get nothing, don't even get caught. But no, run and beat the little queer folks to death instead."

"Where is this coming from?" Dean asked, "I thought you were religious."   
  
"Well, I am." he said sitting up more straight, turning to look at him, "But I know what's wrong, what's bullshit. And all of that, is so fucked up." 

Dean smirked, "You are cute when you're all flustered." He giggled, kissing his forehead.    
  
"Dean this is serious!" he whined playfully.

"And I am being serious angel." He smiled kissing his lips softly.  
  
"Mmmmh." Cas mumbled into the kiss, he pulled away slowly, "Why do you call me angel?" he asked.

Dean had a long time to think of a name that fit Castiel better than his own, and finally he came up with it, angel. Cas was Dean's angel, he had filled his life up with happiness, saving him the moment he met him. He's his guardian angel, his protector. And it made sense really, his name was Castiel, the angel of Thursday, the angel that griped a man from perdition, the vessel of the arch angel Micheal who was destined to save the world in a knock-out-fight with his brother Lucifer.

"Simple, because you're my angel." he replied.

"Dean....." he groaned,  
  
"You should already know the story of your name." he smirked.  
  
"My name? Yeah it's an angels name, so what?" He laughed "My parents were religious."  
  
"Angel of Thursday, the one who gripped Micheal's vessel from perdition, to stop an apocalypse." he giggled running his hand through his lover's hair.  
   
"Ah, so you do know where my name comes from." he smirked, leaning forward and kissing him gently.

"Is that the only reason you call me angel?" he asked when he pulled away.  
  
"No, because you saved me Cas, baby I was an angry person before I met you, and when you came around, it dissipated." he laughed, "I would have wound up dead by now, with everything that was going on in my life before I met you."

"What was going on in your life?" he asked realized he doesn't know much about the green eyed beauty.

 Dean chuckled at the memory of his past, "Ah man, I spent most of my nights in jail cells."  Castiel's eyes widened, "I got into a lot of fights, and, well I was really depressed Cas."  he thumbed the freckled boys face gently, "And then you came into my life, and I-I don't know, I am so happy, and I am so afraid of facing living life without you."  He choked out, few tears falling from his green eyes.  


He kissed his boyfriend softly, "I love you Cas."

                                                                      _________________________________________________________________________________

1989 

  
The day he was going to be discharged he got a visitor, which was strange, he didn't know anyone outside of Dean, Sam, Jess and Charlie. Who had already came by.

Dean held Castiel up while he got dressed, he was wobbly from not being on his feet for a few days, which Dean found adorable. Just as he pulled his shirt over his head there was a slight tap on the door.   
The two turned around and saw a short man with light brown hair making a smirk around the lollipop he was sucking on. His doctor coat was slightly longer than his arms and his hair was medium length, parted at the side and tucked behind his ears. He had champagne colored eyes and thin lips, Castiel knew him, he just couldn't remember from where.

"I never thought I would find myself elbow deep into your skull Cassy" He smirked as he pulled the sucker out of his mouth making a slurp and snap sound. 

"Huh?" he asked adjusting his T-shirt to hide his hip bones that were protruding from his waist. Dean furrowed his brow at Cas before looking back over at the strange man.  
  
"I never thought after getting separated I would find myself operating on you." He said making his earlier statement a little clearer, still holding his face into a sly smirk.  
  
"What are you talking about?" Castiel asked, "I have never seen you in my life."  
  
"Oh come on Cassy, don’t you remember me, its me, Gabe, your brother." He winked. Castiel could feel his knees buckle from underneath him, eyes rolling back into his skull as he went limp in Dean's arms.   
  
"Cas? Angel?" He asked tapping his face as he laid him down on the bed. He looked over at Gabriel furiously, "You better have a good explanation!" He shouted as he walked over to him, hands balled into fists.

Gabriel put his hands up in defense, "Whoa whoa cowboy, I am just here to see my little bro."  
  
"And how are we so sure you're his brother!?" He shouted poking his chest.

"When I saw his license, Castiel Novak, I knew it was him, but to be sure I did a little research and discovered his mother  was Eve Novak, father Adam Novak, died in a car accident in 1971. My parents,  I was fifteen, Castiel was ten.  I am his brother, so, who are you?" He furrowed his brow looking at Dean.   
  
Castiel groaned causing the both of them to turn around, he was rubbing his eyes, "This is a dream." he muttered.

"I'm afraid not babe." Dean said calmly rushing over to his side, "This is your brother Gabriel."

"I-I don't understand, I-I tried to find you." He mumbled looking up at his brother.   
  
"Not recently huh?" He asked.  
  
"No, ten years ago." He said tears lingering in his eyes.  
  
Gabriel was always the kindest to Cas, next to Ana,  he took care of him when ever his brother's Lucifer and Micheal picked on him for being so, feminine. Gabe would stand up to them, often getting into fist fights with Lucifer over it. Castiel couldn't believe it was him, it was.....actually him standing in front of him, his long lost brother. He had so many questions, where the rest were, if he knew. What he has been up to, just so many damn questions.

"Well If you looked for me two years ago you would of caught me." Gabriel laughed, "I was living in France for a while, going to school to become a brain surgeon. With a little bit of writing on the side."  
  
"You write?" Castiel raised his brows impressed with his brother.  
  
"Hells yeah, I write for the show Dr. Sexy MD, I am the co-founder." He wiggled his eyebrows, "And Casa Erotica."

"No way!" Dean chimed in, "I love Dr.Sexy!" He blurted out, "And......Casa Erotica." He blushed lowering his tone.

Castiel chuckled, "So does this mean you are in touch with Ana, Rachel,  Lucifer and Michael?" He asked, hoping the answer was a yes.  
   
"Yes." Castiel sighed with relief, "All but Rachel, Ana is a painter, she lives in Rome. Lucifer works out in New York, he's a businessman, and Micheal works in the police force here, in town."  
  
"Oh shit." Dean muttered causing both Castiel and his brother to stare at him, "Officer Novak, yeah.....he-he and I know each-other fairly well."  
  
"Dean....." Cas moaned, "You didn't."  
  
"I did." He said as he hung his head.

"Am I missing something here?" Gabriel asked looking between the two.  
  
"Michael may have arrested me, once, or twice, maybe even more than that." He groaned.  
  
Gabriel nodded, "Not a problem-o, he'll loosen up once he see's you're with Cassy."  
  
"Huh?" They said at the same time.  
  
"Oh come on, even a blind man could see how in love the two of you are, it's sickening." He stuck his tongue out, "Bleh!"

Castiel's cheeks turned bright red, and he hid his face behind Dean's shoulder, cowarding into him.  
  
"Well I am on the clock, and I have to get back, and you need to go home, so here write down your address and number and we can make plans on getting the family back together, along with a lot of catching up." he said handing him a small pad and paper. Castiel wrote down his information and with that he was gone.

"Wait, before you go....." Cas called out and Gabe peered back around the corner in the doorway, "What happened to Rachel?"  
  
"Died, commit suicide last year." He said frowning, "Condolences." He nodded before disappearing again.

Dean rubbed Castiel's shoulder's, "I'm sorry Cas."  
  
"Don't be, wasn't close with her." He frowned  
  
Dean kissed his forehead, "Wow Cas, you're family, they are here!" he shouted happily for him trying to lighten the mood a bit while he pressed his nose against the other's.

"I know!" Cas cheered rubbing his nose against Dean's playfully.

 

 

 

 


	14. Home Sweet Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning, rimming.

"So I was thinking." Dean began.

It has been a few weeks since Castiel's accident, Dean was still ticked off about his father knowing they were in fact together but he wasn't going to allow something like that destroy what they had together. He loves Castiel, and Castiel loves him, so what his father didn't approve, it's not like he lives with him anymore. Sure work as been rather tense and awkward but he was sure they could get past it, maybe even warm his dad up to him and Castiel as a couple. All though that's a long shot, his father was most definitely homophobic, he had even been up Dean's ass about the whole thing. He was refusing to touch anything Dean had, muttering about Dean carrying AIDS or HIV. Which pissed Dean off to no end, he and Castiel were both clean, besides, AIDS wasn't just in the LGBT community. But at least his father was too afraid to hit him now, in fear of getting his blood on him. It was the first time in a while he was one hundred percent safe from his father's abuse.

Dean and Castiel were back to their old ways, going out to dinner every Saturday night and then dancing afterwards, also on Sundays spending the day and night at his brother Sam's place. The wound on Castiel's head had even healed up completely and his dizziness and fatigue has passed.

"What have you been thinking about?" Castiel asked sitting across from him at Deb's as they waited for their food.

"That we should get a house together." Dean smiled, "You know, a nice place."  
  
Castiel raised his brow in shock, "You want to get a house together?" He asked suspiciously.

"Yeah ya know, a really nice one and big." He smirked "And well, I was wondering if you wanted to look for one today, after lunch."

Castiel smirked at him, "So this is why you wanted to go out for lunch instead of dinner?" He asked giving him a pointed look.

Dean looked down at his fingers, "Yeah, so ugh, what do you think? Do you want to?" He asked looking up into his eyes.

"Of course I want to!" Cas practically shouted.

Dean blushed bright red, "Yeah.." He giggled, " Awesome." 

They finished their lunch quickly and left the diner, "So where is the first house?" Cas asked walking next to Dean.  
  
"Same town Sam is in." He got into his car and Castiel followed doing the same.

"I just have to say one thing, we need to act as brother's." he frowned looking at his boyfriend, "Or else they might not sell it to us."

Castiel nodded, "I understand."   
  
"Are you okay with that?" Dean frowned apologetically.

"Of course I'm not." Cas snapped. Dean raised his brow at him in shock of the tone he had spoke in.

"It's pathetic that we can't show off our love because homophobic pricks can't accept the fact that love is love." He took a deep breath.

"But for you my love, I will put on my best actors face."

Dean nodded and squeezed his hand, "Thank you baby." He smiled weakly.

He started his car and Castiel closed his eyes, he truly loved the sound of Dean's impala, it was soothing, music to his ears. Dean flicked on his radio to a classic rock station ad pulled out of the parking lot. 

\--

The day was long, they went through countless homes and haven't found one they liked yet which frustrated Dean. His boyfriend was far too picky, but despite feeling frustrated he found Cas' enthusiasm adorable. He really does love architecture and most definitely had an eye for detail. 

Dean knew Castiel would love the last house they were going to look at for the day, he saved it for last. It was an old eighteenth century Victorian mansion. Luckily Dean wasn't exactly 'poor'  he had saved up a lot of money over the years, especially since he never had to buy his own car and his dad paid his apartments rent, to help him out with getting a house, which paid off. He was surprised he continued to do it despite the fact that he was with Castiel.

 When Dean parked outside of the house Castiel's eyes went wide, "Dean, baby, why did we stop?" He asked frantically jumping up in the seat, turning to look at him. "Is something wrong with baby?" he asked.

Dean chuckled, biting at his lower lip, "No baby is fine."  
  
"Then why did we stop?" he asked eyes searching Dean's face for answers.

"Because this is one of the houses we are looking at babe."   
  
Castiel's face dropped and he gave him the most serious face he had ever seen Cas make, "Dean, you better not be playing a trick on me." He said squinting his eyes at him.

"This is not a trick angel." He smirked devilishly.

"You're serious?" he asked squinting his eyes even more, turning his head to the side.

"Dead serious. Now let's go check it out." He said opening his door but Cas grabbed his arm pulling him back, he kissed him gently throwing Dean of guard, he slowly relaxed into the kiss. 

"Thank you Dean." Castiel smirked against his lips before turning and jumping out of the car, running up to the house like a kid in a candy store. Dean watched him, laughing at how damn cute and excited he was.   
  
Castiel turned around and motioned Dean to come, "Hurry up! Come on! Let's go!" he called out happily. 

Dean jumped out and ran over to his boyfriend quickly. "Coming!" he called back.

Castiel fell in love with the house instantly, it had a large porch, and circular rooms with pointed roof tops. The house was a dark purple, grey and black, it was by far the most beautiful house he had ever seen. The inside had painted murals, some of which were angels. Where there weren't murals it had beautiful vintage patters. The floors were hardwood and it had three stories and a large back yard. The kitchen was huge, it had four bedrooms and three large bathrooms.

 Dean had fallen in love with it also, and luckily it was in his price range. The Realtor sold it to them and they would be able to move into it in a few weeks. Saying that Castiel is excited was an understatement. Nothing made Dean happier than seeing his angel so happy. He couldn't wait to start a life with him. Now that his cancer was just about clear they could finally start building their dreams as a couple, including a family. This was the start of a great life, Dean could feel it. Nothing was going to stop them now.

\--

Throughout the weeks Dean and Castiel went to several stores purchasing the furniture for their new home and finally moved in. Sam of course helped move the two into their mansion, he was slightly jealous, it is a beautiful house. 

Things were going great for Cas, his cancer is gone, he is a newly hired employee at a convince store, this is his first job and he is super exited, and on top of that he has a huge family reunion planned for the following week at Dean and his house. Castiel has even enrolled in collage courses for architecture, and of course Dean being the generous man he is, he paid for his books and tuition. Everything was working out, and the two had never been happier.

And to add to the good news, Sam and Jess got married, Dean was the best man and Cas a groomsmen, she's even pregnant, a baby boy. Although Dean or Cas have no idea, they decided to wait before giving them the big news of them becoming uncles.

For once in Sam, Dean and Cas' life, things are working out, things are great.  They are happy.

\--

Dean flopped down on the couch in their living room, smiling like a kid who opened up the present they ha been asking for Christmas all year round. Castiel staggered into the living room, cup of tea in hand with a large smile on his face.

"What is it baby?" Dean asked smiling up at him.

Castiel placed the tea down on the coffee table, standing between Dean's legs as he cupped his face. He bit at his own lower lip, "I gained sixty pounds." he smiled happily.

Dean beamed with happiness, standing up and swooping Cas into his arms, "Baby, that's great. That;s perfect." He said kissing his button nose. 

"Pretty soon I will be bigger than you." He smirked.

Dean shook his head, "Looks like I need to go on a burger binge." 

"And give yourself a heart attack from all that grease?" He asked giving him a pointed look, "Not on my watch."

Dean scoffed, "You're almost bigger than I am."  He squeezed Cas' hips.

"Dean, how dare you pick fun of my newly formed muffin tops."  He joked back, giggling as he kissed Dean.

Dean moved Cas so that he could hug his legs around his waist, and Cas slung his arms around his neck. 

Their once innocent and giggling kisses turned into deep and passionate ones.  

Dean's breath became rigid along with Castiel's as they kissed. Tongues dancing in their mouths and occasionally nipping at each other's bottom lip.

Dean pulled away and rested his forehead against Cas', looking into the other's lust blown out eyes. "I think I am in the mood." He hushed.

Castiel swallowed hard, "Yeah." he breathed, "Me too."

Dean bit at his own bottom lip before closing his eyes again and sealing their lips together again.  He kissed Castiel deeply, moaning into his mouth as he walked to their bedroom, throwing him on to the bed and crawling on top of him. He grind into him, rolling his hips in circles, pressing their erections together through the thin fabric of their sweatpants. He lifted himself up and on top his knees as he pulled Cas' shirt off, Castiel sat up also pulling off Dean's. 

Dean traced kisses along Castiel's neck, moving down his sexy body, biting and nipping gently at his sun-kissed skin. Paying extra attention to his hard nipples. Castiel practically whimpered when he felt his lips on his sensitive pecks, flicking his warm wet tongue against them before he moved down his body, dangerously close to his pulsing erection, which was now twitching and jumping with each wet kiss Dean planted onto his skin.

Dean yanked his pants and boxer's down, and immediately went to kissing his hips and along the side of his freshly shaven groin, he bit and licked at his inner thighs causing Castiel to thrust up with need, Dean was so close, hot breath blowing against his thighs. He moved his hands under Cas and cupped his firm ass, lifting him up, Cas got the hint and moved into a better position. 

Dean wasn't exactly sure how to do this, but he had read about it online while he looked up ways to spice up their love making, I mean they just about have done it all by now, feeding each other, dressing in female clothes, even handcuffs. But not this, not yet. 

Dean spread his cheeks, hot breath brushing against his tight pink hole, his heart was beating so hard in his chest he swore Castiel could hear it. He took a deep breath and traced his tongue along it. Castiel's breath hitched and his cock bobbed. Dean looked up at him, making sure his reaction wasn't a bad one, but good. 

Castiel was leaning against his arms, holding his body up, eyes squeezed shut and mouth parted slightly, his chest was rising and falling fast as struggled moans escaped his mouth as he licked his hole. Dean smirked slightly before closing his own eyes and sliding his wet tongue over the tight muscle. Castiel's moans turned into whimper's and his thighs began shaking. He wanted Dean, he needed him.

Dean slipped past the tight ring of muscle and into Cas. Cas whimpers and can’t help the reflexive jerk of his hips, practically shoving himself back onto Dean’s mouth. He was crying now with each flick of his tongue, tracing his hole and sliding it in deeper than he had the first time. Castiel fell against the sheets, arching his back and pulling at the short length of Dean's hair, practically yanking it out with each lap of his warm wet tongue. Dean moaned against his hole causing sparks and waves of electricity to rush through his spine as Dean buried his face between his cheeks. Dean licked from his hole and over his perineum, sliding a finger inside of him as he, payed close attention to his balls  before licking up his swollen cock, sucking at the pre-come that lingered on the head of his dick.  

Castiel sucked in a sharp breath through his teeth when Dean kissed and licked his way back down to his pink-little-hole rubbing his prostate with his finger before slipping it out and sucking his tight muscle. Castiel was practically screaming his name now, over and over again as Dean ate him out, moaning and groaning into his hole as his own cock twitched against his pants. 

"Dean!" Cas moaned "Oh fuck, so-so good." 

His cock pulsed, eager to be touched as Dean teased the inside of his hole with his tongue.

"Fuck me." he panted, "Oh God Dean. Fuck me!"

Dean licked him up once more before he moved up to his lips, kissing him deeply as he struggled to pull down his own pants and boxer's. He pulled away and reached into his night stand taking out his lube. He squirted it over his fingers and rubbed Cas' sensitive hole, making all kinds of unholy noises come out of those perfect lips. He slid his hand over his own cock, prepping himself before sliding into him.

He knelled between his legs and slowly teased the head of his swollen gland over Cas' tight ring of muscle, making him whimper and beg for Dean to just hurry up already and fuck him. Dean smirked down at him watching his healthy boyfriend come undone in front of his very eyes. Lips parted, shaky breaths and panting as he waited, looking up at Dean, practically crying with need. "Please." He begged, "Dean please." 

That was barely enough for Dean to handle, he pushed into him, moaning as his tight little ass swallowed him hole, tightening around his throbbing cock. He leaned forward holding himself up over Cas as he fucked into him. Castiel gripped Dean's arms so tight he knew he would be leaving bruises behind onto his freckled arms. 

Dean fucked into him agonizingly slowly, making Cas head spin with need, he planted kissing at Dean's collar bone, biting it every so often as he trust into him, circling his hips with each movement, making sure he rubbed up against the ring of muscle with each trust. 

"Harder." Cas growled, "Goddammit Dean, fuck me to the point where I won't even be able to sit." He hissed, latching his teeth onto Dean's neck, sliding his tongue over the teeth marks he had left behind.

Dean groaned when his teeth bit into his skin and he grind into him deeper, as he did just as his boyfriend asked, he moved fast and hard inside of him, hitting his prostate with every thrust. Castiel moaned and screamed with ecstasy, feeling himself nearing dangerously close to climax. 

The noised coming from Cas' sweet little mouth was enough to drive Dean over the edge, as if how tight he was wasn't enough. He came screaming out Cas' name, spilling over into his tight hole, continuing to trust until Cas came as well; white hot liquid shooting over his chest.

Castiel opened his eyes and he could see stars along with fuzziness. His hands were tingling, and he was short of breath. Dean pulled up and looked at Cas' face, giving him a horrified look.

"Cas baby are you okay?" He asked cupping his face with one hand.

Cas nodded weakly, "Wow." he panted.

"Baby what's wrong? You're as white as a ghost."  
  
"Nothing." Cas said blinking rapidly, "That was great." He chuckled.

Dean scrunched up his face and kissed him, giggling against his lips, "Goddammit, you scared me." He murmured resting his forehead against Cas'.

"I am okay, I was just breathing so heavily and having an orgasm knocked the wind out of me." he laughed, chest rising and falling heavily with each breath.

Dean shook his head and kissed him again. "I love you."  
  
"I love you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If i ever write Dean instead of dead  
> or dead instead of Dean and didn't catch it, I am sorry XD  
> I keep doing that for some reason


	15. Love Sick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas and Dean getting ready for both of their family's to join for a Sunday dinner.

Dean and Castiel ran around the kitchen in a panic, the two had matching couples aprons on and had been bickering back and fourth all morning, by now it was noon time and they had two hours left until their guests arrives.

"Is the roast beef done?" Castiel asked as he filled three pies full of their fillings, pumpkin, cherry and pecan before he switched over to frost the cake.

"I don't know." Dean replied as he ran off into the next room with a bundle of plates.

"Well could you check? I am a bit busy here." he said mildly annoyed as he lined the bottom part of the cake with vanilla frosting.

"And I'm not busy?" Dean barked at him as he set the plates around the dining table.

"Just get in here and check it, would you?" Castiel barked back.

Dean rolled his eyes and ran into the kitchen, "Yes master." he smirked opening the oven, shifting further back when the hot heat blew into his face, he popped on oven-mits and pulled the rack forward and checked the meat with a meat-thermometer. "Yeah it's ready." Dean said turning the stove off and shutting it. 

He took the pies Castiel handed up and opened up the large toaster oven that was on the other side of the kitchen, he was able to fit two of the pies in.

Dean then ran over to the silverware draw grabbing what he needed and running into the dinning room.

"What time is it?" Castiel called out.

Dean looked at his watch as he set the table, "Ten am. We have two hours." he said wiping his forehead with the back of his arm, it was so damn hot in the kitchen.

Cas put the top of the cake on and began icing it with chocolate frosting on the sides and strawberry on the top. "Dean we aren't going to be ready in time."

"Sure we will, we have two shower's remember?" Dean smirked walking into the kitchen.

"It gets cold when two are running." Castiel complained.

"Then we will just take one together." 

Dean walked up behind him and began rubbing Castiels sore back and shoulders, "Relax baby, it's all going to work out, I can call Sam and ask if he can come early to help out." Dean offered resting his head on Cas' shoulder.

"No, that won't be necessary." He smiled finishing the icing. He turned around to face Dean, and kissed him softy, "We are a mess." He laughed looking at all the flower caked on Dean's face and powdered over his hair.

"Yeah..." Dean chuckled, "We are." He smirked.

"We should get cleaned up." Cas smirked sinfully.  
  
"Yeah." Dean hushed, "We should."

Castiel backed away from Dean and snuck by him he turned to Dean as he walked backwards towards the exit, eyes full of lust. Dean licked his lips.

Cas smirked and turned around, running out of the kitchen and Dean ran after him, laughing like two love-sick teenager's.

"You're never going to catch me!" Cas screamed, "Not with these new lungs!"

"You wanna bet!" Dean hollered after him, almost slipping and falling when the rug moved beneath his feet on the hardwood floor.

Castiel smiled as he grabbed the stairways banister, twirling around it as he raced up the stairs, Dean wasn't far behind him, he grabbed him and lifted Cas up in the air, he kicked his legs and began laughing harder when Dean turned around and began walking back down the stairs.

"Dean!" He whined, "Put me down!" he yelled kicking his feet.

"Nope! We have to finish getting ready."  
  
"Boo!" Cas yelled, "No fun!" 

"Well /someone/ needs to be the adult here." He said kissing the top of Castiel's head before he set him down in the kitchen.  
  
"Now I am not going to chase you again Mr." Dean said crossing his arms, Cas pouted at him.

"You're such an old man." Cas whined throwing his arms down as he turned to the counter top, crossing his arms and pouting.

Dean wrapped his arms around Cas' waist and kissed his cheek. Castiel couldn't help but smile.

"Please forgive me." Dean said kissing alongside Castiel's throat.

"I don't know." Castiel said dragging out his words.

"Please angel?" Dean begged sucking a bruise onto Castiel's neck.

Cas let out a low moan, "Mmmm."

"Oh, okay, I forgive you." He panted.

Dean pulled away and smacked his ass, "That's my boyfriend."  
  
"Seriously?" Castiel said rolling his eyes as he turned to look at him.

"What?" He asked.

"You're going to fucking turn me on and leave me hanging?" He bit out.

Dean raised his brow in shock at Castiel's tone. "Babe, we have to get ready, we don't have time for a quickie, we all know your idea's of those turn into a full on hour and a half. Not that I am complaining, we just don't have the time." He said looking at him, "I promise, tonight I will make the wait worth it."  
  
Castiel  sighed and gave him a half smile, "Promise?"  
  
"Promise."

\--

Dean walked out of the bedroom after he got dressed in his suit, the sunlight that shown through the window hit his green eyes perfectly, making them twinkle various shades of green. Castiel swallowed as he felt the air being sucked from his healing lungs. "Dean...." he breathed walking over to him, he felt the soft fabric of the suit between his forefingers, softly stroking the collar, "You look beautiful." He said standing before him still wearing his towel from his shower.

Dean planted a kiss on his cheek, "Thank you, now it's my turn to say the same thing, go get dressed." 

Castiel swallowed dryly, god he wanted to rip that suit off of him and fuck him senseless. He licked his lips before he walked away, disappearing behind the bedroom door.

He looked at his suit handing on the coat-hanger behind the door, he was happy he got it dry cleaned, it made things simple. He slowly put the suit on and looked in the mirror, he frowned lightly, he wasn't as beautiful as Dean was, making him feel self cautious and uneasy. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, only to be thrown back into reality when he felt Dean's warm familiar hands wrap around his waist. "You really are an angel aren't you?" He whispered in Cas' ear.

Castiel didn't have to open his eyes to know Dean was tearing up, he could tell by the sound of his voice, the way it rumbled against his ear drum and shook the slightest bit. But it wasn't until he felt a tear drop hit his neck and roll slowly down it, tucking beneath his shirt collar, fading into the white fabric to know that his boyfriend was crying. He opened his eyes and looked at Dean's reflection in the mirror, his green twinkling eyes were watery and glazed over with the salty liquid. 

Castiel gave him a weak smile and grabbed Dean's hand, squeezing it lightly, "I love you." 

He let go of Dean's hand and turned around to face him.

"I love you too." Dean smiled kissing his forehead, "And seeing you like this just makes me think about how you would look if we were to get married. I'm sorry. I can't help but get emotional towards a sight like this." 

"I understand, I do Dean." He smiled at him and cupped his boyfriends face, "If only we could get married."

Dean smiled weakly, "If only" he repeated before he kissed Castiel softly. 

The two sighed when they heard the door bell ring, "Are you ready?" Dean asked looking at Castiel who now looked like he had just seen a ghost, pale and nervous.

"Yeah, I'm ready." He smiled at Dean.

"Are you okay baby?" he asked looking at him concerned.  
  
"Yeah, of course I'm okay, I have you right?" He asked.

"Of course you have me." He kissed the tip of his nose.

"Then I'm ready."  
  
The doorbell rang again and Dean took his hand, "Come on baby." he said leading him down the stairs and towards the front door.


	16. Aura

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of rape (no no one is raped))

Sam and Jess were the first to arrive at their home, and soon after that Castiel's brother's and sister arrived. 

\--

Dean could tell that Castiel was nervous, he hadn't seen his family in years, he wasn't even sure if anyone besides Gabriel would be okay with knowing Dean and him were together. Thankfully Gabriel had told them all previously which made it less awkward. At least now he doesn't have to deal with any strange looks of shock upon telling him that they have a gay brother.

Michael glared at Dean through out the entire dinner. He was certain that now he was the one who is nervous and not Cas. 

"So, Dean." Michael began, "I haven't arrested you in a while. Does this mean your staying out of trouble?"  
  
Castiel nearly choked on his food and Anna smacked his arm, "Michael." She hissed. 

"I just want to know." He looked at his sister, "I don't want some punk with our brother."  
  
Dean bit at his lower lip, he would be lying if he said Michael hadn't pissed him off with that last comment.  
  
"Well, I haven't been in cuffs so shouldn't that be your answer?" He said a venomous tone.

Castiel looked around the table slowly, if anyone he thought Lucifer would be the one giving Dean a hard time.  Castiel looked at Luc and he was grinning ear to ear, obviously amused.

"Doesn't mean you can't snap." Michael said matching Dean's tone. "I have seen what you are capable of, and you already know I am not afraid to hurt you."  
  
"Oh how could I forget the time to maced and tased me because I asked you why you were arresting me."  
  
The dark haired male crossed his arms. "You were being aggressive."  
  
"No, I was pissed, cooperating, but pissed." 

"You beat a guy until he was uncautious."

Dean could feel the hate and anger boiling up inside of him, how dare he disrespect him in front of everyone like this, in his and Castiels home.  
  
"Yeah because he was trying to rape some poor bastard!"  
  
"That's no excuse, leave that to us to handle."

Dean slammed his fist on the table causing everyone to jump, "You wouldn't do shit! Bastards get away with it all the time! Who are told they are the problem! That it's their fault!" He shouted.

"Sometimes they bring it upon themselves." 

"Oh so you're telling your brother that he was the problem!" He shouted standing up.

"Dean...." Castiel murmured pulling on his pants to sit back down.

"No Cas!" he bit out.

"What are you trying to say?" Michael stood up with him. 

Lucifer was smirking while Anna and Gabe looked horrified. This is not how the night was suppose to go.

"I am trying to say the night I met your brother I stopped some asshole from raping him! He had him pinned, Cas was stuck and scared and the body guards saw and did nothing! Until I showed up and beat the crap out of that scum bag! So don't you dare tell me that its their fault! Don't you dare say that in front of your brother who is a victim of sexual assault!"

Michael was speechless, he looked from Dean to Cas. "Is that true?" He asked him.

Castiel looked up at his brother, the brother who would pick on him as kids, he'd be lying if he said he wasn't afraid of him. "Yes..If it weren't for Dean...."

"I am sorry Dean." Michael cut Castiel off. "I am too quick to judge, I am sorry."  
  
Dean nodded, "It's okay, I'm use to it." He said as he sat back down.

_'it's okay, I'm use to it.'_

Dean is use to it. Use to being looked at as if he were the bad guy when all along he had been saving people from the monsters. And now being openly gay didn't make the situation any easier, people looked at him with even more disgust than they had before. No matter how many times he tried to change how people view him he messes up. But he's older now, hes not the twenty-six year old punk he was several years ago, he's thirty-one, he doesn't have the time or energy for anything like that anymore. He just wished people would see that.

 But at the same time, he couldn't care less how people see him, or even if they see the real him,  as long as Castiel see's him. He is all he needs. He is his light, his angel, goddammit, Castiel is his world, and he's going to marry him...he...he has to marry him. He doesn't care how it happens, even if they have to travel to another state, they will get married, and they will beat all of the weight that lingers on their shoulders. They will be okay. They are going to be okay, and if they believe in it hard enough, that it'll happen.

Sam looked at Dean and mouthed asking if he was okay, Dean nodded, he's fine, upset, but fine. 

Jess cleared her throat and looked around the table. "How about desert?" She asked, "Cas and Dean made wonderful pies and a cake."  
  
Gabriel's eyes lit up, "Sweets, now that is what I like to hear." he smiled rubbing his stomach.

Dean nodded agreeing with Jess and got up to get the sweets, Sam got up to follow him, if Dean wasn't pissed off for the way Michael treated him he sure was.

"Hey need some help?" He asked looking at his big brother, well bigger with age at least. 

"Yeah sure, could you grab those two pies over there?" He asked without looking at Sam. He was too busy switching the cake over and onto a sturdier plate.

"Are you really okay?" he asked him as he moved two pies onto a tray.

"Yeah Sam, I'm fine,." He turned to face him, hands resting on his hips, "Why is something up?" He asked .

"It just, it upset me seeing that douche bag treat you like that." 

"Yeah well, I'm use to it, don't worry about it."  


"Dean, of course I am going to worry about it. I have seen how you can get. Have you forgotten that we grew up together, I mean, damn, you raised me for God's sake."

Dean furrowed his brow in confusion, looking up at his giant of a brother who clearly looked concerned. "What are you trying to say?"

"I just, I don't want to see you snap again, like you did before you met Cas." He sighed running his hand through his long shaggy hair, "I don't want to see you hurt yourself."

Dean sighed uncomfortably and leaned up against the counter, "That ain't ever happening again Sam. I'm not /that/ low anymore."

Sam shook his head, "Dean I know you better than anyone else, I know that look. You're worn out, tired. "

Dean shrugged looking into his brother's eyes "Yeah so?" 

"So, I don't want you to fall back into old habits, the drinking, self loathing, the sui-" Sam shut his mouth immediately when one of Castiel's brother's came in, the one with light brown hair and a few inches shorter than Cas.

"Need any help?" He asked smiling at Sam.

"Yeah, sure." Dean answered for him, but Gabriel ignored him. Dean raised his brow, more so when he noticed Sam blushing. _"The hell is going on between those two?"_ He thought as he watched Sam becoming flustered when Gabriel mentioned that he had a cute smile and dimples. "Huh..." Dean breathed looking at the two with a smirk on his face.

"What?" Sam said looking at Dean when he noticed the look on his face, Gabriel turned around and winked at Dean.

Dean widened his green eyes and turned around to grab the cake "Oh, nothin'." He smirked as he picked up the cake and walked out. Sam handed Gabriel one of the pies and walked out with the two others.

Everyone had settled back in and picked a dessert of their liking, well, everyone _but_  Gabriel. He took a slice of each. It was quiet, a few words where said here and there and Dean has picked up on the glaces Gabriel and his brother shared now and again. He hoped Sam wasn't messing around. I mean, he knows Sam would never cheat on his wife, he loves Jess more than anythng, but the way he looks at him is anything but innocent.

"So, when is the baby due?" Anna asked looking at Jessica, who had just nearly choked to death on her water, Sam was just about to shove a fork full of cake in his mouth when Anna spoke up. He dropped his fork onto his plate and began rubbing Jessica's back "Am I already showing?" she asked Sam loud enough for only him to hear her, she looked down at her stomach, she doesn't look like she is showing at all.

Dean and Cas both perked up when Anna asked, staring at Jess and Sam as if to say 'well go on?'   
  
Castiel had even reached under the table and grabbed Dean's hand, squeezing it to tight Dean swore he was about to break a finger, or two.

"Oh, I'm sorry." Anna giggled, blush creeping across her face when she saw the couples reaction, "I can read people's auras, and you certainly have a bright orange and silver glow around you. Those are the aura's indicating pregnancy."

Jess nodded slowly, "Oh!" She smiled eyes widening, "How wonderful. That you can see people aura's." She smiled trying not to sound _too_  sarcastic. I mean, Anna did just announce the fact that her and Sam were starting a family for them.

She smiled, but soon after it dropped when she looked at her brother. Castiel's aura doesn't look healthy he had a dim light around his in white.  "It's sort of a blessing in disguise." 

Castiel picked up on her gaze, she frowned at him slightly and he slumped against his seat. 

"I am sensing your brother's in law didn't know." 

Did she really just acknowledge Dean and Cas as a couple? I mean, not only as a couple but something that is referring to them being married? Sure Jess called Castiel her brother in law all the time, Sam did too, but no one had ever considered the fact that those two were more than dating outside of Dean's family. If it were legal they would have married four years ago. Hell they thing every living breathing human in this God forsaken town, homophobic or not know how much the two love each other. And finally, they are being noticed, being treated equally. Sure Anna is Castiel's sister, but that doesn't matter, they haven't seen each other in over fifteen years, so, even if she is his family. She is technically and outsider in this point in time.

"No, not yet." She smiled at the two, "So Sam and I are going to be parents." She smiled.

Castiel squealed happily smacking Dean's arm. Dean was just as giddy jumping up and hugging his baby brother while Cas hugged Jess. They are going to be uncles!

Gabriel rolled his eyes and took a pie of his pie, "Congrats." he said bitterly.

Lucifer was too busy on his phone to pay attention to his surroundings, most likely on his phone setting up business meetings, he was flying home early tomorrow morning. Apparently work is more important than family.

Michael, well, he was quiet, he stayed quiet the remainder of the night until Castiel brought up Rachel.

"Yeah we know Cas we all miss her." he bit out, "I don't see why you even have the right to say you miss her, you weren't in her life."

"And that's his fault?" Anna snapped. 

"No, but...."  
  
"Then leave him alone." Anna smiled at Castiel who looked like he was seconds from crying, Dean was rubbing his back.

"Well, can you at least tell me what she was like? I want to know her Michael."

"She was a druggie." Lucifer said not looking up from his phone, "After Ma and Pa died she was adopted into a family who doesn't know how to watch kids, she wound up in the wrong crowd, got into drugs and hung herself."  
  
"Luc!" Gabriel bit out, "He doesn't have to hear that!"

"Well what else is there to tell? We tried saving her, she wanted no part of our lives."  
  
"She was depressed." Anna chimed in.

"We were all depressed, she just wasn't strong enough." Michael said looking at Castiel.

Dean kissed his boyfriends cheek, "You okay angel?" he asked whispering in his ear. 

Castiel nodded.

"Are you sure, you're barely speaking." He asked in a concerned tone, holding Castiel close to him, nuzzling his nose into his cheek.

"I am sure, just overwhelmed." Dean nodded and took Cas' hand.

\--

Castiel could feel a cough coming on as the group discussed their lives, and just when it was Castiel's turn to speak instead of speaking he started to cough violently instead.You could hear the mucus moving in his lungs as he coughed and wheezed, it was a horrifying sound for Dean, it reminded him of when he was sick  He pulled a napkin to his lips coughing into it. Dean rubbed his back, "Easy there tiger." he hushed as his lover coughed. "You okay?"

Castiel was so embarrassed, he could feel red litter his face as he tried to stop coughing. "I'm sorry." He choked out and got up from the table, Dean wasn't far behind him. "It's okay baby. Take your time."

When Castiel finally stopped coughing and removed the napkin there was large globs of blood in it. He could feel the color drain from his face and he quickly threw the tissue into the trash bin. "I think my water went down the wrong pipe." he lied.  
  
Dean shook his head, "Well, drink more carefully next time." he said kissing the top of his head. 

\--

The dinner came to a halt and everyone was getting ready to leave, Lucifer and Michael left quickly while Gabriel flirted with Sam and Anna spent at least ten minutes hugging Castiel. "Call me if you need anything." She smiled at him.  
  
"I will Anna."

"Thank you for taking care of him." She smiled at Dean before she left. 

" _How does she know these things._ " he thought and she turned and winked at him before shutting the door.

Dean prepared the guest bedroom for Sam and Jess, they had been wanting to sleep over for a while now, especially after Dean told them it might be haunted.  Sam was into all kinds of ghost stuff, books, movies, investigations, maybe working in a place where death is always around a guy is known to take interest in it.

It was well past midnight, everyone went home, and the rest of the group were tucked warmly into big cozy beds.   
  
"I love you." Dean smiled kissing Castiel.

"I love you too." He said curling into him, Dean picked up on his tone right away, he sounded sad. In response he hugged him tighter.

"Are you okay?" He asked him.

"Yes Dean, I'm fine."

 

 

 

 

 

 


	17. Jessica

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry if skipping confuses you. I have no other ideas for a chapter and its been far to long since I have posted to this.  
> Skipped to a year later, Jess had the baby, her name is Mary Winchester

January 5th 1991

Dean and Castiel entered Sam and Jess home arms full of birthday presents.  Little Mary is turning a year old today and they would be crazy if they missed this.  Sam was standing in the doorway holding Mary in his arms, her eyes light up when she saw her uncles enter the room, “Uncle Dee an Ca!” She screamed flailing her arms about.  Dean put down the presents and took her from Sam, “Hi princess.” He smiled littering her face with kisses, “Happy Birthday!”

Castiel smiled when he watched Dean walk away with Mary, he was always so good with her. "Where is Jess?" Castiel asked as he put down the gifts.

"She is running out to get her one more gift, Mary has been wanting a  D-O-L-L-H-O-U-S-E and Jess finally found one for her age by fisher-price." He said not looking directly at Castiel, but the hanging clock instead.

Castiel nodded “Mary is going to love that.” 

"I know, I am really excited to see the look on her face." He spoke in a flat tone. Castiel noticed Sam's shaking hands and the way he seemed as though he wasn't paying attention to their conversation. 

Castiel twisted his mouth in thought and touched Sam's shoulders to get his attention.  ”Sam is everything okay?” 

"Dad is coming." He told him, "I tried telling him not to come but he wouldn’t take no for an answer."  

Castiel could feel his stomach twist up inside of him, “Does Dean know?” He asked. "I am sure he will understand" he lied. "Mary is Johns Granddaughter." 

Dean hasn’t seen his father since he had showed up at his apartment a few years back, he told Castiel he didn’t want anything to do with him, and that if he ever saw him again he could kick his father’s ass. Castiel knew that was all talk, he knows Dean well enough by now to know he has mellowed out of his angry personality. But it still makes him worry about what John might say to Dean.

"I know my dad won't do anything, not with Mary around, but it still makes me nervous." he said looking over at Dean and his daughter. 

He looked back to Castiel, "And Jess has been gone for a while now, she should have been here by now, it's been over an hour." 

"Well, the roads are pretty icy" Castiel commented, "She is probably just taking her time.

Dean walked over to the two with Mary, "Hey where is Jess?" He asked his brother, "I noticed she isn't here."

"She is out getting M-A-R-Y a last minute G-I-F-T" Sam shrugged.

Dean's mouth hung open "Dude, you know I can't spell." Dean said in a dry yet sarcastic tone as he shook his head. 

Mary began giggling when she saw her dad's smile. Sam tickled her belly and she flailed in Dean's arms. Castiel smiled and nudged Sam, "Oh and umm." Sam stalled.

"What is it?" Dean asked.

"Dad is coming." He said flatly, waiting for his brother to explode.  
  
"Oh." He said kneading his bottom lip between his teeth. He had his thinking face plastered on as he thought about what may or may not happen.

Dean would be lying if he said he wasn't afraid of being around his father, especially after moving to another mechanics shop a month or so after their fight. He had been doing everything he could to avoid his old man. He was so sick of the abuse he endured when he was a kid, even more now that he is an adult. It scares him.  John is the only person who has the ability to make Dean cower in a corner. 

"Okay." he finally said.

"Okay?" Sam and Castiel said at the same time, shock was all over their face.

"Well yeah, its baby-girls birthday, I can be civil." He nodded, "As long as he can be." he shot Sam a weak smile.

"Well, I talked to dad that won't be a problem." Sam smirked.

"Good. Then we will just be waiting for him, Jess and her mother?" He asked handing Mary to Castiel.

Castiel made a silly face at her and took her into his arms. He walked away bobbing her into his arms and she grabbed his glasses from his face giggling. 

Sam went to speak but Karla opened the door and walked in, "Grammy is here!" She cheered arms wide ready for hugs.

Castiel put Mary down, steadying her as he did, "Come on, come walk to Grammy. " She smiled wide.   
  
Sam beamed watching his daughter wobbling over to her grandmother. She had just recently learned how to walk and she was doing great.  Karla picked her up and cradled her, "Jess baby, I'm here!" She called out before kissing Sam on the cheek. 

Castiel looked over at Dean, his smile was huge and he had tears in his eyes, he loved seeing how happy Dean was around Mary. It was as if his soul bled love and he always has glossed over eyes, Dean would make a great father. Castiel always knew that. He wishes they could adopt, Dean brings it up often but Cas always made an excuse, he is sick.  He doesn't want to leave Dean alone with a child. Castiel always asks, "What if I get sick again, and I pass?" Dean always shakes his head and tells him how that isn't going to happen, that he is better now.   
Cas hates hearing Dean talk like that, especially now that he is hiding the truth from Dean. 

Castiel watched Karla move over to Dean and take his hand, Castiel quickly went by Dean's side to greet Ms Moore. Jessica's mom is the sweetest woman Castiel has ever met. She is so full of love and has no problems filling people's hearts with it either. Castiel always felt accepted when he was in her presence the few times this past year she had been at Sam and Jess' house. 

"Hello Ms Moore. " Dean winked at her playfully. 

"Hello to you, you handsome thing, when are you and cupcake over here going to get hitched?" She smiled at Castiel, "Oh and love, call me Karla, please."

"When ever the US decide to make it legal." Dean smiled at her and then at Castiel when he squeezed Dean's hand happily.

Karla frowned and nodded before turning to Sam "Where on earth is Jessica?" She asked turning to Sam.

"She is out getting a" Sam looked at Cas and Dean " G-I-F-T."  they spelled in-sync with one another.

"Oh." She giggled, "How lovely. That was cute. Very nice you three." She giggled handing Mary back to Cas so she could tie her hair up. "Is your dad joining us?" she asked Sam adjusting her bra.

"He is." He nodded watching her take out a compact mirror to gussy up.   
  
"Oh swell." She beamed closing her mirror and putting it away.

Sam heard a knock on his door, "That must be him now." He smiled walking over to it.

Karla ran past Sam and adjusted her clothing before she answered the door.

The boys all gave each other a funny face after they watched her prop herself up before opening the door. She is clearly interested in the boys father.   
Her face fell and she stood up straight when she saw three police officers standing in the doorway. Sam saw her stalling and he moved to get a better peek. His heart sunk to the floor when he saw three police officers standing in the doorway, one being Castiel's brother. 

A thousand things ran through his head, them being here for Dean, his father, Jess is hurt.  "God please don't let it be Jess." He said under his breath.  
  
"Oh no." He looked over at Castiel, eyes wide and worried, "Go put Mary in her crib." 

"Hello Ma'm. I am officer Novak and this is Bridges and Clark. Is Sam Winchester here?"

"Oh, yes-he-he is."  She stumbled back and the officer's walked in.

"Sam Winchester?" Michael asked and Sam walked forwards. 

Dean and Castiel noticed Michael right away and Castiel rushed to Mary's bedroom and put her in her crib, "Stay here for just a little bit, okay?"  
  
Mary nodded, "Okay Ca." 

Castiel rushed back out just in time to hear Karla make a high pitch sobbing sound, she was clutching her mouth and sunk down to her knees. Castiel looked over at Sam, he was stumbling backwards, as though he had lost his ability to stand and Dean was holding him by his waist, guiding him back into a chair. He noticed that his face is sickly pale.

Dean looked over at Cas tears breaching his eyes, he looked so scared. Sam looked so scared, Jess' mother was a wreck and Castiel had no idea what the hell was going on.

"Her car swerved on black ice and she hit a tree, there was nothing the paramedics to do when they reached her."

"What do you mean there was nothing they could do for my baby!" Karla screamed, "They just let her die!"  
  
Clark shook his head, "She was deceased when they arrived to the scene."  
  
Sam had gone completely quiet, staring off into space as his mother in law and the police officer's spoke. The whole world was moving around him so quickly he barely felt his brother's hands on his shoulders. Jessica is Sam's world, and now he lost her, he lost everything. What is he going to do? How is he going to raise Mary on his own? What if he becomes his father? He needs Jess.  
  
"I am so sorry Sam, condolences to you and Jess' mother. We need the both of you to come down and ID her body."  Officer Bridge's said to the two.  
  
Castiel could feel his heart twist up and he cupped his mouth. "Oh my God." he whispered.

No, not Jess, anyone but Jess. Castiel knows that thought is selfish, but this is Jess. The perky blonde who would do anything to fight for Dean and Cas' love. The girl who is the most beautiful woman Castiel had ever laid eyes on. She had rays of sunshine shooting out of every square inch of her existence and so much joy she could make a room nauseous with it. She had never been anything but pleasant.  And now She has a baby girl, a beautiful baby girl, who looks exactly like her mother besides having Sam's eyes. She has a  husband who loves her more than the world itself. So yes, anyone, anyone but Jessica Moore.

"Yeah...yeah okay." Sam nodded swallowing his tears.

Karla was a sobbing mess, shaking and trembling, "My baby, not my baby!" she screamed.  Hearing her yell like that was making Castiel feel weak, and he had no idea what to do. He wasn't sure how to react, what to say, where to look, he was stuck, helplessly frozen as he watched his family fall apart in front of his very eyes. He couldn't possibly feel anymore worthless than he does right now.  
  
"Dean, can you uh, can you and Cas watch Mary?" Sam asked getting up his body was shaking and his skin was so goddamn pale, seeing Sam so weak and vulnerable shot knives through his heart. Sam has become his best-friend, and this is, this just isn't fucking fair.  
  
"Sam, you're not okay to drive like this, not with this ice." Dean told him as he took his brother's arm.   
  
Castiel watched Sam looking around the room, he looked as if he were in a daze, and he knew Sam was going into shock.

"I'll be fine." He told his brother, tone breaking around all three words. It was barely a whisper.

"No Sam, you won't. I am going to drive you okay?" 

"Dean, stop, I am fucking fine!" Sam snapped at Dean. Castiel looked up at him in shock, he had never heard Sam speak like that to his brother. 

"I am going to drive my goddamn self!" he barked.

"Like hell you are Sam!" Dean shouted back, "I ain't gonna lose you! You were there for me when Cas...." He paused.  
  
"When Cas was in the hospital, I am gonna be here for you."

"Yeah well, this is a bit different isn't it Dean?" Sam turned to him, "Jess is dead."

"I know Sammy, I know. It is sucks, God does it fucking rip a hole through my chest knowing some goddamn shit weather took her away from you, but you gotta let me help you. You can't drive like this."  
  
"The hell I can't." Sam grabbed his keys and began walking towards the door but Dean quickly grabbed him and pinned him against the wall. "Do you want to leave your baby girl alone?" He shouted, "Because if you go out and you drive in this condition that is what will happen! You will leave your daughter an orphan!"

Sam began trying to push Dean off of him but he was far too weak.  
  
"Don't you dare make her lose her father to, don't be so goddamn stupid!" 

Sam's body relaxed and his head fell against Dean's shoulder, wrapping his arms around his brother so tight he was leaving imprints in his skin, "Dee." He sniffled into his jacket, "What the hell am I gonna do without her."

"You are going to fight Sam, you are going to raise your baby because that is what Jess would want." Dean told him, hugging him back. "I love you Sammy. Please let me help you."

Sam nodded and pulled back, wiping his eyes, "Okay."

Dean nodded and turned to look over at his stunned boyfriend, "I am going to drive them. I will be back in an hour or two, watch Mary?" He asked Castiel. "And if my dad comes, just explain it to him." Dean asked him and Castiel nodded.

Dean rushed over and pulled Castiel into a hug, Castiel could feel Dean's body shaking all over, he knew he is fighting back tears. "I love you angel." he kissed his temple pulling back to look into his eyes. Castiel could feel his heart breaking, for him, and his family.   
  
"I love you too." He cupped Dean face and kissed him. "I love you so much, be safe."He rubbed his cheek with his thumb.

"I will." Dean told him before heading out the door.  Castiel fell back against the chair and his brother was still there but the two others left in their cruisers.   
  
Castiel immediately began to fall apart and Michael rushed to his side, "Hey Cas, Cas." He said holding his shoulder's "Little brother, you gotta be strong, there is a little girl who just lost her mother and she will be confused to see everyone gone. And if you start crying she will start crying."

Castiel looked up at him, "How can I be strong? Jess just died, Mary lost her mom, Sam lost his wife, I lost a best friend and I am dying."

"Hey whoa whoa, you're not going to die Cas." He said sitting next to him.

"Yeah I am." he told him, "My cancer is back, and there is nothing they can do this time."

 

To Be Continued.....


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a VERY short chapter. I am so sorry but it is short for a reason.   
> 1) writers block and I have to give you something since I have not updated in a while  
> 2) its sort of an introduction for the next several chapters.   
> 3) I am so sorry.

"Jessica Moore wasn't just my wife, the mother of our beautiful daughter Mary, but my best friend too." Sam folded the paper he was holding, and placed it back into his coat pocket. "She was the sunshine in all of our lives. She had this way to light up a room." Sam shook his head smiling to himself, "I remember the first day I met her, I fell for her instantaneously. It was that smile, the way she actually listened to what I had to say. She had a way of making you feel special."

Castiel swallowed down his tears, squeezing Dean's hand. Dean kissed the top of his head, and he could feel his tears hit his scalp.

"I am not sure why God chose to take Jess from us so early, but I do know that she made every ones lives who are standing here right now better. She will forever live in each of our hearts with the memories we keep of her. There won't be a day that goes by where we won't think about her. It's going to be hard, very hard. But we have to stay strong for Jessica, it's what she would want of us. Because that is who she was, she just wanted everyone to be happy, and to make everyone happy. " The sun came out from behind the clouds and Sam looked up at the sky through his tears, "I love you Jessica Moore, forever and always. " 

Karla broke down falling to her knees in the snow, "Jessica!" She screamed out digging her fists into her hair, "Why did you take my baby! Why did you fucking take my baby!"

Mary began to holler and cry in John's arms. Sam quickly rushed over to his daughter and picked her up, bouncing her up and down in his arms, "Shhh, shhh, daddy is here." 

John helped Jessica's mother up, she clung to him and began crying as the priest finished the ceremony. 

Dean pat his brother's back and Castiel couldn't take his eyes off her casket. That will be him in a year, that will be Sam comforting Dean, Dean standing at the podium saying his goodbyes. It will be Castiel who ruins Dean Winchesters life, not John, not those homophobic douche bags, but him.  He should have left him. He shouldn't have stayed in Deans life, should of pushed him away from the beginning.  Dean took Castiel's hands again pulling him as he began to walk. Castiel barely knew he was moving, all he could think about was what he was going to put Dean through.  He didn't snap out of it, not until they were sitting in Dean's impala. 

"Man that killed me." Dean started the car sighing heavily, "Seeing Sam like that was hard, but the way Mary looked at her mother in that casket, reaching out to her. Fuck...." Dean shook his head, "That hurt, especially when she started saying 'ma ma' and putting her arms out to be held." 

Castiel looked over to Dean blankly, "I never seen Sam so broken before Cas. I don't know what I'm going to do to keep him together." He turned and smiled sadly to him. "Baby? You okay?" Dean asked him.

Castiel shook his head he could feel his eyes began to well up, he looked away from Dean.

"Cas, what's wrong?" Dean asked touching his thigh, "Did what I say upset you."  
  
"No..." Cas whispered, biting his lip to keep it from shaking.

"Cas?"

"Dean I....."

"Baby what's wrong. You're scaring me."

"I can't....not here. " He spoke looking back at Dean.

Dean furrowed his brow, "No, tell me....." He said sternly, dreading what he was about to hear.

"I-I can't....not now. It's selfish."

"There ain't nothing selfish about being upset!" Dean snapped, "Please talk to me!"

"It's back!" Castiel shouted.

"What's back? Cas, I'm confused."

"My cancer! It's back!" Castiel immediately regretted telling him when he saw the look on his face, but he couldn't shut up. "

It's back and it spread through out my body Dean! That's going to be you up there in a year, and it's all my fucking fault for letting you come into my life!" he shouted, "I am going to destroy who you are! I am going to hurt you!" He yelled.

The more he talked the more he regretted it as he watched his boyfriend cup his mouth shaking his head as tears flowed down his face. This was killing him more than the cancer is.

"I am sorry. I am so sorry you have to have someone like me in your life! This-this fucking ticking time bomb! I was stupid, so, so, so stupid for letting you convince me to stay with you! I knew I was going to hurt your from the get-go! I should have left."

Dean swallowed dryly, "H-how long?" He asked as he pulled his hands from his face.

"A year."  
  
Dean closed his eyes and breathed in a shaky breath, "Okay..." He nodded opening his eyes, smiling through the pain, "Then let's make this your best year."


	19. Update (not a chapter)

I was asked why I have not updated, and I am sure others are wondering the same thing so I thought I would post it as a chapter so everyone will know.   
  
I haven't been feeling good mentally, depression and all and on top of that I have lost hope in this fanfic. I AM NOT GOING TO NOT FINISH THIS I **PLAN** ON FINISHING!!!!  
  
But I need your help, if you have a tumblr account can you pls message me? anon or off anon at [jagerjensen ](http://jagerjensen.tumblr.com/)or comment below what you think I should do. (and maybe if you like this boost my confidence so where I want to finish this and write again??))  That would mean so much to me. 

I was thinking either I just continue writing to make you all happy and finish it quicker, OR i could start from the beginning again, meaning I would save each chapter edit them, add scenes, fix errors ontop of finishing the fanfic all together. Making this fanfic something for me to be proud of.  I won't delete this, what I would be doing is just updating them and adding more, ontop of adding new chapters, what do you think?

 


End file.
